I hate myself and who i have become. But i have become this way because of the world. Call me weak i dont care.

But somehow life would get better. And eventually id regret ever attempting.

I hate having hope. Only makes you foolish.

I want to wake up in my bed and eat my mother's food and i want soneone to genuinely hug me and tell me to stay. Why does it hurt so much. I dont want to live this horrible life anymore. Everynight i cry and pray that i never wake up again. Every day is the same. How long do i have to keep suffering.

I know that if i keep the date sooner, ill hesitate. 1 month and 15 days. Is enough for me. I need to be reminded of how horrible my life is and how bad its going to get. I will remember it and write it down so i dont forget. The good parts are turning against me lately. Living like this is foolish. I cant be swayed by that one time i felt content with who i am. The pain is permanent, i neen to make sure to remember, or else ill be stuck in a cycle. It was never going to get better. Who tf was i kidding. I should've done it 5 years ago. Would've spared me the pain now.

I want to live. I want to graduate college. I want to get a good job and hang out with my friends and go on trips and explore the world and meet someone and fall in love.

But i canttakethis anymore. Ill give my exams next week and im gonna try my best to get good scores. Ill go on a trip in December and ill enjoy it. This last month of my life i will give it my all. And then i will die. And i wont regret it because i will be dead.