The anxious ones always leave
When I was told to march right into the crops tall enough to reach my knees, I missed my own drumbeats. The Colour Sergeant said I was slowing everyone down. I kept thinking about the apple core I left behind: it might grow into a tree. Those flamboyant French planted trees of liberty in Malta. What would the Dutch call my tree? If I ever had an opportunity to come back to Hougoumont in the next few years, I could tear off a bit of my shirt to tie a ribbon around its neck. The apples might be smaller than usual, and potentially sour. But the locals might see it as a messenger from heaven above.
I could not tell what those crops were. Stamping on them and trying not to overthink about the upcoming local harvests, I heard their knuckles break. My drum dragged itself across their bent spines, its dark red paint around the rim scarcely bothered by their dusty yellow, the mellow green. Those were such inferior colours. The crops put up with us pushing them around, their whispers lowering themselves into the soil.
Weymouth would know how to attend the plants. He grew up in fields which extended their seafoam into the next county. I saw him a few days ago hovering around us, but the 44th didn’t enjoy his company: he consistently complained about the Colonel, and occasionally even Nosey himself. Many of our men worried that his careless tongue might cost us our reputation. Given how talkative he was, Weymouth must have been practising his gossips with wheat, turnips, barley, and clover. I spoke only about one tenth of my thoughts, and that felt like a fourth of what he mustered. Wherever he was – if he survived Quatre Bras – I wished he did not have to march through another farmer’s work.
I hated how loud these ill-fortuned stems and leaves whimpered. They could have complained to any other soldier: there were plenty of us, and much better listeners amongst the veterans – especially Fulcher and Jenkins, who never turned a wailing down. Perhaps they could hear the rattling below our feet as clearly as I did; I wished I was not the only one. Drumming was already a lonely job. Imagining my next conversation with Nancy, whenever she next came around carrying laundry baskets, would be another example. I was too timid to ask anyone else about what possibilities lay ahead. When Nancy folded her apron in her most vivacious manner, I avoided staring at her hands for too long, but she never seemed to mind.
There were a few rumours about the next battle being the last battle. But I wasn’t one raised in the school of optimism. I knew they said it every now and then, just to keep our heads up – not that we needed any external help in doing so, since we had the stocks. My mother taught me to write poems: however, once she realised I wrote better poems than her, she warned me what might come out of the pencil. She tried very hard to steal me away from what she called ‘a destined doom’. Clearly a war provided more certainty. Clearly it was far more likely that I might survive here than on pages, and I might stop hearing sounds I was not supposed to shudder against: the ground beneath us collected from crops whatever remained – the groans, the curses, the foreign language. It was foreign but essentially endearing as it bred our allies. They grew up singing in and eating Dutch. They marched somewhere behind us, and I often thought about them.
The crops all tried to keep their heads up. We silenced them further and further down, and only a few soldiers looked back. A few turned their heads and murmured something about ruining the fields. A few echoed with the loss. I was not one of them. The stress was always on the next beating of my drum.