im love benton fraser

“Well, Marv, aren’t you going to offer us some water or something? Some host you are,” Ray scoffed, tossing his muddy boots onto the rug.

“Ray,” Fraser chastised halfheartedly, curled up on Marv’s couch and looking like he was only seconds away from falling asleep. River water dripped from his clothes and soaked into the furniture.

“Do you guys want some water?” Marv asked. He sounded nervous.

“No, Marv, what I actually want is a pizza,” Ray said.

“I don’t have any pizza,” Marv said uncertainly.

Fraser’s head popped up from where it had been pressed into the couch cushion. “Pizza?”

“Nah, Benny, Marv doesn’t have any,” Ray told him.

“Oh,” Fraser said, putting his head back down.

Diefenbaker jumped up on the couch next to him, pressing dirty paws into the cloth and looking at Marv like he was daring the man to say something about it. Marv didn’t. Fraser accommodatingly lifted an arm to let the wolf slide under.

“I’ll get you a blanket,” Marv said.

“That’s very kind of you,” Fraser said, half asleep.

Marv dug a stack of folded blankets from his closet. Ray took the most comfortable one for himself then used the others to wrap Fraser up in a human burrito of warmth. Fraser thanked him automatically, then immediately fell asleep.

Ray wrapped Dief in a blanket, too, the half-wolf’s nose and tail sticking out.

“Adorable,” Ray pronounced, looking at the both of them. “Don’t you think, Marv?”

“Uh, huh,” Marv agreed nervously.

“Maybe you aren’t so bad, Marv.” Ray acquiesced. “Good thing, huh, if we’re going to stay here until someone comes to pick us up. Might be a few days, even.”

Marv wondered if he was about to cry.

“Hey, Marv, got any pizza?”

“This is nice,” Ray decided. “Just like old times.”

Fraser peered at him oddly. “I feel as though you may be being sarcastic, Ray.”

“Nah, why would you say that, Benny?” Ray asked calmly. “Is it perhaps the armed gunmen? Or the fact that I can’t even take you out to get a single taco without you getting us into trouble?”

Fraser looked somewhat indignant. “I’d hardly say that this is my fault. After all, you did chose to take me to a restaurant across from city hall,”  He pointed out.

“Shut up, you two!”

Ray turned one of the crazy armed gunmen that had decided that today was a good day to attack an institute of “governmental suppression”. Ray would have been fine with that (okay, not fine, but at least it wouldn’t have been his problem) if Benny hadn’t seen something weird going on, dragged Ray into following a shifty character, and gotten himself and Ray captured along with the civilians. Also, one of the guys was pointing a gun in Ray’s face. “Do you mind? We’re trying to have a discussion, here,” Ray dismissed him, rolling his eyes.

Fraser looked at Ray sternly. “You shouldn’t be so rude, Ray.”

“Me? He’s the one with the gun!” Ray exclaimed, gesturing to the guy like Fraser might not have seen it.

“Which is exactly why you shouldn’t antagonize him,” Fraser said pointedly. “I’m sorry for my friend’s rude behavior,” He told the man, turning towards him.

“Oh, yeah, he’s ‘soarry’,“ Ray imitated Fraser’s Canadian tilt to the word. “Not like the guy has a gun or anything.”

“I wasn’t implying that he didn’t, I was only saying that just because someone is being rude to you does not mean that you also have to be rude to them.” Fraser was speaking in that haughty tone that Ray hated.

“You’re impossible,” Ray huffed, turning away from him.

“You’re American,” Benny said under his breath.

“What did you say?” Ray asked, whirling to look at Fraser.  “My God. Was that a snark I heard? Kowalski has corrupted you.”

“Don’t be silly, Ray.” Fraser said in that I’d smack you if I wasn’t so polite tone of voice. “Speaking of Ray, wasn’t he supposed to be meeting us down here?”

“If he’s smart he’s gone by now. Maybe Mexico. It’s what I should have done.” Ray grumbled. There was a sound of shattering glass. “Apparently he’s not smart,” Ray told Fraser.

“Ray,” Fraser chastised.

“Yeah?” Kowalski asked, rappelling in from the ceiling like it was a normal thing to do and punching the man holding a gun on them in the face.

“I was speaking to the other Ray, Ray.” Fraser ducked another of the gunmen, who was taking exception to being captured. “Thank you for the timely intervention, though.”

“Thanks, Frase,” Kowalski said. Diefenbaker tackled someone, snarling. The bad guy screamed like a little girl, and Ray rolled his eyes.

“That kind of dramatic entrance was not necessary,” Ray said. “Oh, my God, Fraser corrupted Kowalski.”     

“Fraser corrupts everyone,” Kowalski said. “Last week he convinced an armed robber to join the priesthood.”

“He simply needed to reconnect with his faith.” Fraser nudged Dief off of a crying bad guy.

Ray nodded wisely. “You should have seen him that time with the stripper.” He commiserated. Looking around, he noticed that all of the hostage-takers had been subdued by the storming SWAT team (who had come through the door, like normal people). “Well, Benny, I can’t say that this was a new experience.”

Kowalski peeled off his rappelling gear, shaking out his already wild hair. “I’m hungry. I was promised tacos.”

Diefenbaker barked in agreement. A bad guy whimpered.

Ray grinned and threw his arm around Fraser’s shoulder. “Just like old times, Benny.” Fraser smiled back, and Ray knew that if nothing else, their friendship was as strong as ever. It was a comforting thought.

“I’m simply saying, it’s rude to keep secrets.” Fraser was pouting, and talking to the wolf again, if Ray wasn’t mistaken. Of course, he could have been talking to his closet, as he sometimes did, but his voice wasn’t quite muffled enough for that to be the case. Ray shrugged and barged into Fraser’s office, Kowalski style.

He found Diefenbaker and Fraser in an intense staring contest. “Hey, guys, what’s up?” Ray asked, nonplussed by the overall Canadian weirdness at this point. “We have a case, let’s get shakin’.” He gave them jazz hands as he said the last part of the sentence.

“Very well.” Fraser said, standing up and brushing his already smooth uniform down. He leveled a look at Diefenbaker as he took his serge from the closet, pulling it on. Weirdly, Ray thought he smelled something like pine trees coming from the closet as he first opened it, but it was gone again in a second. Probably just an air freshener or something, even though Fraser always claimed the scents gave him a headache.

Ray ignored the man/wolf drama until they were halfway to the station and the two were still very pointedly ignoring each other. “Okay.” Ray said, throwing up his hands. Fraser made vague noises about vehicular safety but silenced at a glare from Ray. “What’s going on between you and the wolf?” Ray asked, pointing back and forth between the two of them. “Are you two fighting?”

“Nothing’s going on, Ray.” Fraser said primly. In the back seat, Dief made a grumbly noise that indicated the opposite. “I simply asked Diefenbaker a question which he refused to answer.”

“You ever think that’s because he’s a dog?” Dief lifted his head and growled. “Sorry, wolf.” Ray corrected himself. “They ain’t supposed to answer questions.”

“Diefenbaker is being purposefully obstinate.” Fraser said in what passed for grumpy in Fraser-speak.

Ray looked into the rearview mirror at the wolf, who seemed to be rolling his eyes. Ray wasn’t sure if that was something wolves could do, but if any wolf could do it, Dief could. “Dief, that true? You being abstinate?”

“Obstinate, Ray.” Fraser corrected, his mouth twitching  at the sides. “And yes, he is. He’s keeping secrets.”

Dief whined. “I don’t think Dief agrees with ya, Frase.” Ray said, turning to peer at the wolf. “Seems to me he thinks you’re the abstinent one.”

“Obstinate. And you couldn’t possibly know what he’s thinking.”

“Why not? You got a monopoly on talking to dogs?” Dief barked. “Wolves, that’s what I meant to say.”

“No, Ray, I can’t say that I do.” Fraser said, his voice serious but his eyes twinkling. “Although, that does remind me of a story I once heard in an Inuit village-”

Ray groaned, and Dief put his paws over his ears. “Hey, you’re supposed to be deaf.” Ray said suspiciously. Dief gave him an innocent who, me? expression. Ray turned back to Fraser, who was still prattling on about a story of a Caribou on a mountain that Ray was pretty sure he’d told before.

“Your fancy Inuit stories can’t fool me.” Ray said. “You’re, whatsit called, deflecting the question.”

Fraser looked at him innocently. “Which question was that, Ray?”

“What won’t the wolf tell you and why are you mad at him about it?” Ray said, not at all fooled by the innocent Mountie routine.

“He disappeared last night and he won’t tell me where he went to.” Fraser said. “And he’s getting very defensive about it.” Dief yapped sharply. “See?” Fraser asked.

Ray grinned. “Hey, this one might not be all the wolf’s fault this time.” He said as they pulled into the station’s parking lot.

“What do you mean?” Fraser asked, puzzled. He paused to let Dief out of the car as they walked to the front steps of the station together.  

“You mean you don’t already know, Mountie?” Ray teased. “You can’t just lick something and solve the mystery?” They went in through the front, greeting the woman at the front desk politely.

“I wasn’t aware there was a mystery to be solved.” Fraser said.

“But there’s already a clue that could bust the whole thing wide open.” Ray grinned, enjoying confusing the Mountie instead of the other way around for once in his life.

“What clue would that be, Ray?”

“The date, Frase. What day is it?”

“Well, the calendar has several events that could be listed as significant that occur today, including the deaths of several notable historical figures, including-”

Ray cut him off before it could turn into a full on rant. “Wow, Frannie’s right, you really can’t see what’s right in front of your face, can you?” At Fraser’s confused look, Ray continued. “Dief was with me last night.”

“Whatever for?” Fraser asked, his confused expression growing.

“He was helping me plan a party.” Ray said, just before they reached the squadroom. He paused before the closed doors, hands poised over the handle. “It’s your birthday, idiot.”

“My-?”

The doors swung open. 

“SURPRISE!!”

“Ah.” Fraser said, looking  suspiciously misty-eyed as he read the HAPPY BIRTHDAY FRASER banner. Ray slapped a party hat on his head. Welsh, grudgingly bedecked in a party hat of his own, tossed confetti at them as the Huey snapped a picture of Fraser’s surprised expression..

“Sometimes a wolf’s secrets aren’t all that bad, you know.” Ray said. He brushed confetti out of his hair and off the shoulders of Fraser’s uniform.

“I suppose not,” Fraser agreed, watching Francesca wheel out an impossibly tall cake.

“Hello,” Said Fraser, whose head was wrapped in a blood-soaked bandage.   

“You got a phone, pal?” Vecchio asked. He, like Fraser, was soaked from head to toe and dripping water onto the carpet.

“Umm.” Marv, the owner of the cabin the two had just walked into (after Fraser had politely knocked), said.

A bedraggled looking Diefenbaker slunk through the door after them, looking upset and largely drenched.

“Is that a wolf?” Marv asked.

“Yeah,” Ray said. Dief shook himself thoroughly, spraying the room and all three men in droplets of water. “Phone?”

Wordlessly, Marv handed his phone over.

“Terribly sorry for the intrusion,” Fraser apologized as Vecchio dialed.

“What happened to you guys?” Marv asked, looking between the pair nervously.

“We fell off a waterfall,” Fraser said, his face pleasant. “And out of the sky, earlier.”

“It was a controlled crash,” Vecchio corrected, tapping his fingers against the phone as he waited for the other end to pick up. Absently, he wrung his wet shirt out onto the carpet.     

“Oh,” Marv said faintly.

“You have a lovely home,” Fraser told him sincerely.

“Thank you,” Said a bewildered Marv.

“Hey, Lieutenant Welsh.” Ray told the phone. “No, we’re not dead. Yes, I’m sure! Because I’m pretty sure I would know, that’s why. Turns out Benny can’t fly a plane worth shit, though.”

“Language, Ray,” Fraser chastised, frowning disapprovingly.

Vecchio stuck his tongue out at him. “Huh? Yeah, I’m still here, Lieu. Yes, we need a ride home, unless we want to stay in this guy’s crappy cabin for the rest of our lives.”

“Hey,” Said Marv.

“He’s had a long few days.” Fraser assured him. “Ray dislikes eating insects and his hunger makes him irritable, I’m afraid.”  

“I’m not irritable,” Ray said, irritably.

Fraser looked knowingly at Marv.

“No, I’m not talking to you, Sir.” Ray turned back to the phone. “No, I’m not irritable!”

“Do you have any tea?” Fraser asked Marv.  

“I can check.” Marv said, then fled.

“Is he okay?” Kowalski asked, bending to look at Vecchio’s face.

“I’m not sure.” Fraser frowned. He tapped Vecchio’s shoulder. “Ray? Ray. Ray.”

“Give me a minute, Benny.” Vecchio groaned. He was sitting, head between his knees and looking like he was going to be sick all over the (admittedly already gross) precinct floor.

Frannie was sitting nearby. Her feet were up on top of a desk and she was looking at her newly returned brother unsympathetically. “It’s just a car, Ray,” She informed him dismissively. 

“It was just a car,” Kowalski corrected, his mouth curving into half a smile. “Now it’s just whatever happens to a car once it’s at the bottom of the lake they call Michigan.”

Vecchio made a noise.

“That’s not helpful, Ray,” Fraser said, shooting a look at Kowalski, though he looked somewhat amused too.

“My car,” Vecchio said, sounding like he might be in shock.

Welsh gave him a pat on the back.

“My car,” Vecchio said again. He received four more pats on the back that were given with varying degrees of sympathy.

There was a pause.

“It was also very much on fire at the time, Ray.” Fraser said finally.

Ray stumbled, zombie-like into Welsh’s office.

“Good, you’re back– sweet Jesus, you two look awful.” Welsh stared as Fraser trailed Ray into the office. “Fraser, I didn’t think that it was possible for you not to look good.”

“Thank you kindly, sir,” Fraser said tiredly.

“We’ve been up for a week staking out our suspect. We just finished wrapping up the rest of the case,” Ray explained. “I cant remember the last time i saw my bed. My sweet, sweet bed.” Ray flopped down on the couch without waiting for an invitation. Fraser, after a second of hesitation, sunk into the spot next to him. He primly removed his hat and set it aside.

Welsh raised an eyebrow at the pair. “Well, I was going to ask for your reports, but now I’m thinking I should send you home. Vecchio, are you asleep?”

Ray sat up with a jolt, blinking furiously. “No sir, wide awake. See?”

“Yeah, right,” Welsh said skeptically. “I’m gonna call someone to drive you two home. You guys look like you could sleep until Christmas. Of next year.”

“No, it’s all good,” Ray protested. “Let’s just get the report over with before I forget anything.”

Welsh squinted suspiciously. “Fine. I’ll go get you some coffee so you don’t knock out on me.”

“Thank you kindly, sir,” Fraser said. It’s possible he was talking in his sleep. Welsh scoffed at him and got up, shutting the office door as he left.

While he waited, Ray looked around Welsh’s office, desperately searching for something interesting enough to keep him awake until his boss got back. Ray was squinting at an award hung on the wall, trying to read it, when he felt a weight on his shoulder.

Ray glanced over, then did a double take. “Fraser! Wake up!”

Fraser, in a very un-Mountie-like fashion, blearily raised his head off of Ray’s shoulder. “Shush, I’m trying to sleep.” Then he put his head back down and fell asleep immediately.

“Fraser!” Ray shook his friend’s shoulder, but Fraser blissfully slumbered on. Ray, after a few more tries, gave up. He decided that he’d let Fraser sleep until Welsh came back, at least, before waking him up again.

Ray crossed his arms over his chest, trying to get comfortable now that he had a Mountie snoring on his shoulder.

Only, Ray was really tired, too. Maybe he’d close his eyes for just a minute…

…

Welsh cautiously eased open his office door, sticking his head in just far enough to see inside.

Fraser’s head was planted on Ray’s shoulder. He was sleeping soundly, his mouth open slightly, not snoring but letting small puffs of air in and out in a somehow charming manner. His legs were curled up onto the couch, his boots sticking off the armrest somewhat. Ray was snoring, loudly. His feet were propped up on the desk and his arms went out in all directions, one hand managing to land on Fraser’s arm and the other half-falling off the couch.

Welsh shook his head and entered the room fully, quietly closing the blinds over the window into the bullpen. He wasn’t carrying mugs of coffee, but rather two fuzzy blankets. He carefully draped one blanket over Fraser, then tucked the other around Ray. Neither man stirred at all during the process.

Welsh crept over to his desk, gathering up an armful of files before he crept back towards the door. He could stand to sit out in the bullpen for a while and get some work done. And, as a bonus, it would scare the crap out of Huey and Dewey.

“Ooh, who’s the guy?”

Francesca startled, looking up the folders she was sorting. Welsh, recently, had taken issue with her filing system (namely the fact that she was the only one who could figure it out) and was making her alphabetize every file in the station. It was a major pain. “I’m sorry?”

Dewey, hands in his pockets and grinning at her, repeated the question. “I asked who the guy was. You know, the one that sent you that fancy thing of flowers that’s sitting on your desk.”

“Oh, those.” Frannie glanced over at her desk and the flowers Dewey was talking about. “Just a guy who used to live near me, that’s all.”

Dewey looked ready to ask more questions, so Frannie cut him off before he could. “Hey, while you’re here, want to give me a hand filing these?” Dewey, like any sensible cop, beat a hasty retreat, mumbling an excuse.

“Sucker.” Frannie rolled her eyes. However, now that her attention had been drawn back to the flowers, Francesca sat down to re-read over the note that accompanied them, smiling a little to herself.

‘You deserve this, sister! Go out and make life your own, you wonderful ray of sunshine!’

“Real subtle, bro.” Frannie said aloud, though her tone was fond.

Frannie remembered the first time Ray- her Ray, the real one, no offense to Kowalski- bought her flowers. Their father had just died, as drunken and miserable in death as he had always been in life. Needless to say, it hadnt been a great loss for either of them.

There weren’t many people at the funeral, mostly family and bookies that wanted to make sure Pop Vecchio really couldn’t pay off those old debts. Still, the mourners offered mumbled condolences and platitudes and Francesca, younger at the time, had hated the whole thing. Hated it so much she could have screamed.

Ray was the only one to notice her distress. One minute he had been standing, stiff at Mama’s side in his fancy occasion suit, and the next he had his arm around Frannie’s shoulders.

“What do you say we go get a bite to eat?” He’d asked, and Francesca had looked at their mother, who was crying softly (she’d loved their father, once upon a time), and said yes, letting Ray lead her out of the cemetery and into the back of that awful green car he loved so much.

It was late, so not much was open. Eventually, they’d come across a little Deli that doubled as a flower shop, though Frannie and Ray both swore that they’d never heard of such a thing or seen the place, even in passing, before.

The old man behind the counter was gruff and Frannie ordered the first thing she saw on the menu board. Ray ordered the greasiest thing they had, which made Francesca wrinkle her nose in disgust.

As they waited for their food, Francesca browsed the flowers, running her fingers over soft petals.

“We ought to pick something up for Pop, shouldn’t we?” Frannie had asked reluctantly. “To put on his grave?”

Ray stared at a bundle of lilies. “He’d hate them,” He’d said. “Think they were too girly.”

“He would,” Francesca agreed.

“I’ll buy a couple,” Ray said. He picked up some garish yellow carnations, checking the price tag before setting them on the counter. “Pick something out, I’ll buy you some too.”

Frannie, surprised and pleased, glanced around the shop. She went past the sunflowers and the daisies, making her way towards the back of the store. That was where she found the orchids, nestled between a row of pink roses. They were yellow, too, but not in the obnoxious way the carnations were. They were pretty, and hopeful. Frannie liked them.

She returned to the counter just as the man returned, carrying their two wrapped sandwiches. “Hey, flowers are supposed to mean something, right? What do these yellow orchids say?” Frannie had asked.

The man glanced up, sounding bored. “New beginnings.”

Frannie smiled. That sounded good to her. “We’ll take them, along with the sandwiches.”

Back at the now-empty cemetery, Ray and Frannie had propped the carnations up against Pop’s grave, agreeing they looked very fetching. Then they’d gone out to meet up with the rest of the family and choke down a casserole that a well-meaning neighbor had sent over.

But Frannie had held on to those yellow orchids, putting them up in her window where she could see them. And the next year, on the anniversary of their Pop’s death, Ray had sent over some purple orchids. The year after that they were pink. He sent a different color every year, and every year Frannie had carefully placed the orchids in her window.

This year, her brother was undercover with the mob, replaced by a virtual stranger.

But the orchids were in her desk, white this year. And the note was unsigned, sent by an anonymous person in Las Vegas.

Ray found Diefenbaker hiding in an upstairs bedroom, paws over his eyes like a cartoon.

“I don’t blame ya, buddy.” Ray flopped down on the floor next to him. “Do you think if we stay up here they’ll forget all about us?”

Dief whined.

“Yeah, I didn’t think so either,” Ray groaned. “I get the feeling that Fraser planned his little trip for this weekend on purpose. Sneaky Mountie.”

Fraser was in Ottawa for the weekend, ostensibly attending an RCMP conference. Dief would have been trapped in customs for the entire trip, so instead Ray had volunteered to take him on while Fraser was away. When Ray had implied that Fraser only wanted to escape the upcoming Vecchio family reunion that he’d been roped into attending, Fraser had looked appropriately shocked at the insult to his honor. He didn’t deny it, though. Ray couldn’t blame him.

Downstairs, something crashed to the ground and shattered loudly. At least three children began wailing at once and even Diefenbaker, who Ray suspected wasn’t quite as deaf as he liked to pretend, flinched at the noise. Ray groaned, slapping his hands over his ears.

“That’s it,” Ray decided. “What do you say we run down to the bodega on the corner and pick up some donuts or something?”

Dief grinned a doggy smile at him. Something else broke downstairs. Ray winced. “Maybe something a little harder, too.”

Ray and Dief did their bests to sneak past the hordes of family members. They almost made it, too, but Francesca caught them in the act. She blocked their path, hands on her hips. “Raymundo. Where do you think you’re going?”

Ray jammed his thumb towards the door. “Takin’ the wolf for a walk.”

Frannie’s eyes got wide and she grabbed Ray’s arm desperately. “Please take me with you.”

Before Ray could answer the plea for help, his sister was swallowed up by a pack of swarming relatives that appeared out of nowhere. He swore he could hear her screaming in between the nosy relatives chanting about her love life in an eerie synchronized way.

Ray and Diefenbaker beat a hasty retreat before they were the next victims. “Every man for himself,” Ray told Dief, who looked solemn, once they were outside. Ray said a short prayer for his sister and fled into the cold Chicago night, Dief sticking close to his side.

As they approached the bodega, Dief nudged Ray out of the way of a patch of black ice. “Good boy,” Ray beamed, patting Dief on the head. “An extra donut for you.” Diefenbaker preened at the attention, trotting ahead through the front door of the bodega. When Ray got inside, the kid behind the counter was staring at Dief, who was in turn staring at the display case of donuts just over the kid’s head.

“Is this your dog?” The kid asked, staring like Dief might want to eat him instead.

“He’s a wolf, actually,” Ray said cheerfully. “Do you have any of those cheesy snack things?”

Wordlessly, the kid pointed.

Ray looked down at Dief. “You wanna go grab a pack of those while I pay?”

Diefenbaker grumbled but loped off in the direction the kid was pointing. Ray pulled out his wallet, turning to the kid. “Yeah, give me two of those glazed donuts, and a chocolate, too. Dief, you want sprinkles on yours?” From the back of the store, Dief let out a resounding woof. “Deaf, my ass.” Ray grumbled, shaking his head.

The bell over the door jingled, announcing a new arrival in the store. Ray glanced over and threw up his hands in exasperation. “Just great.”

“Give me the money in the register!” The newly entered robber ordered, pointing a gun at Ray and the terrified shop clerk.

“Can’t even blame it on the Mountie this time,” Ray mused sadly.

The gun swung over to Ray. “Do you have a problem?” The robber asked.

“Nah, but you do,” Ray said. “The wolf is going to jump on you any second.”

The robber looked confused. “What wolf?”

“WOOF!”

Diefenbaker leapt from the top of one of the shelves like a descending angel, knocking the robber down and sending the gun flying from his hands. The robber screamed like a girl, but was actually able to squirm out of Dief’s grip and take off out the door like a bat out of hell. Dief sat and watched him run, tongue hanging out of the side of his mouth.

Ray raised an eyebrow. “You’re just going to let him go?”

Outside, there was another scream and a loud thump. Dief leveled a look at Ray and wandered outside, where the robber was splayed out flat on his back on the pavement, having slipped on the black ice. “Okay, my bad.” Ray told Dief. The robber groaned.

By the time that Ray had the guy peeled off the pavement, cuffed, and inside the bodega, he could hear sirens in the distance. Ray picked up the bag of donuts and bent to pick up the box of snacks that Diefenbaker had dropped. “How much do I owe you?” Ray asked the kid behind the counter, who had been frozen in place ever since the action started.

“Are you serious? Take them, on the house.”

“Great,” Ray said, not one to turn down free food. He handed one of the donuts to Dief and shoved another in his mouth and turned to go.

“Wait!” The kid said, and Ray turned to see what he wanted. “Aren’t you going to stay and talk to the police?”

Ray considered it. “Nah, too much paperwork.” He waved with the donut. “Thanks for the free food.”

Outside, Ray turned to Diefenbaker seriously. “Not one word about this to Fraser. I got a reputation to keep up, here.”

Turtle liked Diefenbaker. He was big, loud, and hairy, but other than that not so bad.

"Roof." Diefenbaker said. Turtle didn't say anything. Turtles didn't make noises, as far as Turtle knew.

"Now, you mustn't take that attitude, Diefenbaker." Fraser chastised, leaning down so that Dief could read his lips. "You'll be perfectly fine in Ray's apartment for the day."

"Ruff." Dief said petulantly.

"Well, yes, I'm fine with you accompanying us on this case, but as I said before, the only witness is quite scared of dogs. Yes, I know that you're half wolf, but that information isn't exactly comforting to our witness."

"Rrrr." Dief acquiesced, settling down on the floor and pointedly looking away from Fraser.

"Very well." Fraser said in that tone that said he was Disappointed in someone. "I'll be back shortly. Please try to behave while I'm away."

Ray entered the room, all energy and motion as usual, his arms swinging and the rest of him practically vibrating. "Ready to go Frase? Told the wolf not to eat my turtle yet?"

"Don't be silly, Ray." Fraser said. He straightened up from where he had crouched while he talked to Dief. "Diefenbaker would much prefer a donut to your turtle, I'm afraid." He looked disapprovingly at Dief, as he often did when he was talking about the half-wolf's hunting habits. Dief whined and closed his eyes to drive home the point that he wasn't paying any attention to the Mountie.

"Yeah, okay." Ray said. "Ready to go?" He led Fraser out the door in front of him, ushering him forwards. Once Fraser was out of sight Ray quickly knelt down, pulling something that was wrapped up in white paper from his inside pocket. Dief looked at the wrapped thing with interest.

"Consider this a bribe." Ray said seriously, looking Dief in the eyes. "I give you this, you don't eat the turtle. Deal?"

"Roof!" Dief agreed enthusiastically.

"Greatness." Ray said, unwrapping the object. "Pleasure doing business with you, Diefenbaker." He shook Dief's paw, then set the unwrapped item on the floor. It was a sprinkle donut, and Dief had it scarfed down before Ray had both feet out the door.

The door shut with a click, leaving Dief and Turtle alone in the apartment.

"Boof." Dief said in the direction of Turtle's enclosure. Turtle chewed on a bit of lettuce, and Dief panted at Turtle happily. The television set was just across from Turtle's enclosure, and Dief nosed it on.

Baseball. Turtle didn't mind watching baseball, but Dief didn't like it, so they rarely watched it unless there was nothing else on. Dief switched channels until he found one that was showing an old game of curling. He looked back at Turtle for approval. Turtle chewed the piece of lettuce approvingly, and Dief settled down in front of the set to watch the game.

Turtle didn't completely understand the rules of the game, but as long as Dief liked it, curling was a fine sport to watch. Better than staring at Ray's walls all day.

"Sweeeeeeep!" An announcer over the TV cheered, and Diefenbaker howled along with them. Ray would probably be getting noise complaints again.

They watched like this for a while, until the shadows started to get long on the walls and the programming switched to a sitcom with an annoying laugh track. Turtle started wondering when the next feeding would be. 

Dief cocked his head, ears going straight up, and he suddenly stood and switched the television off again. Turtle saw why a second later when Ray walked in, followed by Fraser. Both were dripping wet and covered in what looked like several different types of glitter.

Dief sniffed Fraser's hand and sneezed. A cloud of glitter took to the air.

Ray glared at Fraser. "This never would have happened to me if I had never met you."

Fraser peeled himself out of his red serge, hanging it carefully on the hook by the door that Ray had put up just for him. Glittery water dripped to the ground below the hook. "Well, at least we caught the smugglers. And the kidnappers."

"At least." Ray grumbled.

"Ruff." Dief said.

"Yeah, laugh it up, fuzzball. You didn't eat my turtle, did you?" Ray peered into Turtle's enclosure, looking satisfied when he saw Turtle watching him impassively.

"Boof." Dief sounded offended.

Ray ran a hand through his spiky hair. It came up glittery. He groaned. "I gotta take a shower."

"Of course, Ray." Fraser said. There was glitter in his hair, too.

Dief panted. It sounded an awful lot like he was laughing at them.

"What do you know?" Ray asked. "You're a wolf. What do you even do all day?"

If one knows what to expect, one can prepare for things in the appropriate manner. For example, an individual can prepare for the occasion arising where they need to dress in drag to go undercover at a girl’s finishing school by keeping a dress in their own size and a wig pushed to the back of their closet. Frostbite in the field is not a problem if one carries a soothing ointment in one’s belt. One can cope with a hole being shot into one’s hat by keeping a spare hat at their place of residence.

However, there are just some things that one simply can’t be prepared for. A baseball bat being swung at one’s head when one isn’t looking, for one.

“Ow.” Fraser said, lying down now, for what reason he couldn’t quite fathom.

“Oh, good, he’s awake!” Someone said, just out of his frame of sight, and Ray suddenly appeared, looking down at Fraser worriedly.

Actually, no, make that Ray and Ray were looking down at Fraser worriedly.

“Ray?” Fraser asked, squinting at the sight. He wondered if he was having double vision, though he couldn’t recall if double vision ever made people see two different people of the same name rather than two versions of the same person. Wait, what? His head really hurt. “Ray?” He asked again, just to be sure.

“Yeah?” Both Rays asked at once, then glared at each other in synchronicity.

“What happened?” Fraser asked, attempting to sit up. Both Rays rushed to stop him, each with a hand on one of his shoulders.

“Oh, God, he lost his memory again.” One of the Rays said.

“Shut it, Vecchio.” The other Ray said crossly. “You’re an idiot.”

“Ow.” Fraser said again.

“You lost a fight with a baseball bat.” Ray said. “You’re an idiot, too, in case you were wondering.”

“You probably have a concussion, so don’t move until the ambulance gets here.”  Ray ordered.

"Not a problem.” Fraser groaned, reaching up a hand to touch his head. “Ow.”

“As much as I hate to agree with Kowalski, you are an idiot, Benny.” Ray shook his head at Fraser. “What were you thinking?”

Fraser squinted at Ray. “You’re kind of blurry. And I think maybe I might throw up.”

“What? Shit.”

Both Rays scrambled out of sight and returned holding two different wastebaskets. They glared at each other, then one of the Rays tossed his away. Fraser was promptly sick into the remaining one.

Ray patted his back awkwardly. “Let it out, Buddy.”

“Where’s that ambulance?” The other Ray asked in a low tone.

The wastebasket was taken away. “I’ll call again.” Ray replied, equally quietly. He moved away, taking a cell phone from his pocket.

The Ray that had stayed behind leaned in closer. “Hey, Frase, stay with me. You’re going to be okay, okay?”

“Okay.” Fraser agreed, though he was starting to get tired.

“Nuh, uh, you don’t get to do that.” Ray said fiercely, shaking Fraser’s shoulder. “You stay awake, or I’ll kick you in the head.”

“That doesn’t seem very helpful, Ray.” Fraser told him. Ray cracked a smile.

The other Ray was back, and crouching down next to Fraser. “Five more minutes.” He says. “Stay with me, Benny.”

Both Rays took one of his hands, squeezing tightly.