Alexys

I feel so lost seeing everyone around me have a life, money, plans and expectations for the future.

When I got into uni, almost 4 years ago, I never imagined having to finish it, I never had many plans for the future other than moving out so I could die in my own house and not trouble my parents with the cleaning of my passing.

I have amazing people around me, but I can't help but feel like I'm holding everyone back cause they have to be busy caring for me. I've been thinking about how people always remember the good parts about you when u die and that's what I want for them to remember.

I've been thinking of methods, been thinking about buying a gun from a drug dealer in my town and blow my brains in front of canvas to make the whole thing an artistic work or some shit.

I hurt everyone around me by being in distress, so I keep pretending like I'm holding it together. I got so good at pretending that people don't take me seriously when I say that I want to die. I think they are tired of me too.

I want to cut, burn, scream, cry, break my whole house down but I'll just dissociate until all of my days become one big stain in my memory.

I don't know how to even say to someone that it's getting bad again, I'm hearing voices saying that I'm better seven feet under, I'm having the urges to self harm or run away.