Cum On Feel the Noize

“No, that’s the point,” she said, still a little surprised he’d thrown forgiveness on the table so quickly, without laying out any sort of condition.  “You’re sure you don’t want to yell at me or… or passive aggressively play sad songs… or poke me in the chest or get in my face or tell me I’m a piece of trash or something?” She furrowed her brow slightly, staring at him from across the couch.  “Because I hurt you, that’s why.  I called you and I broke up with you meaning for it to be a few days or-or a month. I meant for it to be temporary, it wasn’t supposed to last longer than the transplant. And then I got scared and I acted like a coward and I never called you. I hurt you every day–for years–because I let everything matter than what should have, that’s why there would be a catch.”

Noah rubbed his jaw, raising an eyebrow, “Didn’t I do that enough already?” he pointed out. His words had been sharp when they’d first ran into each other, and he’d been certain that they’d hurt her as much as he had been hurting. He didn’t want to be like that, but it had been satisfying, if only for a moment. “Yeah, you hurt me. Is that what you wanna hear? It hurt and it fucking sucked. But I’ve been telling myself for years that I can’t – I can’t love someone who ain’t gonna love me first. Shit if I know, but I’m not...I can’t stop thinking about you.” No matter how many women he got into his bed, it was never the same. There was no love between him and his one night stands. “So there’s no catch.”

“I don’t want you to keep feeling this way,” she responded quietly, feeling futile and powerless against the upset she knew she’d caused the man. “Just… Just like that? No… catch? No… You forgive me?” Truthfully, she was somewhat surprised he was still so affected years later, but then again she still felt a keen and persistant emptiness when he wasn’t around after so long herself. “What do you mean? Why not?” 

“It’s okay, Teddy. What am I supposed to do? Forget that all happened?” He looked a little confused, like it irritated him that she thought he could wish away the hurt he still felt. It was like any other memory. “No catch. Why would there be a catch? I forgive you.”

Teddy shook her head for a moment, not entirely knowing herself.  It wasn’t exactly up to her–he was free to set whatever boundaries he wanted, forgive her to whatever degree he wanted, and include or exclude her in his life to whatever degree he wanted.  “To convince you I’m sorry? Or to make you feel better? Or earn your forgiveness? I don’t know. I just know I want want to walk out that door a day from now and not see you again unless you’re only stepping in because it’s life or death. And I can’t stand to feel this way anymore.”

Noah clasped his hands together, resting his elbows on his knees as he leaned forward. He wanted Teddy in his life as well, and at this point in time, it felt safe to do so. “You can’t make me feel better,” he said finally, clearing his throat, “but I forgive you, Teds.” He cleared his throat, rubbing the back of his neck, “And we won’t have to not see each other.”

“I know you do,” Teddy told Noah in a quiet, gentle tone of voice. She nodded slightly as he said the rest, but was still as she locked eyes with him when he asked the question.  “I don’t know,” she responded, her tone even quieter than before. She moved around the couch to take the seat across from him and asked, “What can I do now?”

Noah looked at Teddy, unsure where she was even going with this conversation. He looked over at her, studying her features, “What do you mean?”

Teddy caught his eye for a moment as he looked toward her before taking a deep breath in, though her expression looked somewhat more like a wince.  “I know,” she said quietly, looking down at her feet.  “You’re right… And I knew you were right then, and I’ve thought about how you were right every day since. And then I’d just think about the sound of your voice during that call, and just hanging up… I was going to keep talking and my mom took the phone. I just let her.” She bit her bottom lip, clearly not done with her point but unsure of the right words for a moment either. “I wanted to call, so badly.  I still miss you so much it makes me feel sick, but it doesn’t change how I did things, and I feel like I never deserved to call you for tickets, or to see how you were, or to say I made a mistake… or ask for another change. Or anything.” She was angry  with herself and her mother, but somehow she finally felt something other than anger laying it out at that moment. “You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and I treated you like the worst.”

It didn’t surprise him that her mother had been the one to hang up, but it also didn’t surprise him that Teddy didn’t fight back. He wasn’t sure what to make of it. He could hear the regret in her voice, see it in her eyes. It was what he always wanted to see, but how could he voice that? “Stop – I can’t –” He rubbed his jaw, letting out the breath he’d been holding. He’d said it once, and he’d say it again. “You know I love you, Teddy. I’ve always fucking loved you.” Noah leaned back into the couch, trying to maintain some kind of composure, “I don’t know what to say, Teds. I’ve....It’s so hard to think that....it always felt like you weren’t willing to fight and I don’t – how could I live with that?”

“I don’t remember,” Teddy admitted, partially because it had been several years ago at that point and partially because she didn’t measure his success by games won or lost.  “I was worried it would seen like I was trying to take advantage of your success, or trying to crawl back once you had it. Or that you’d yell at me… Or that it would be like the phone call when I broke up with you and you’d argue or…”

Noah sighed, pausing the TV as she kept talking. He wasn’t sure what else to say at this point. “Okay, are we gonna bring it up again?” he asked, looking over at her. “Yeah, I argued. Because that was not a relationship. That was something else – fuck if I know what to call it. You work shit out, you don’t just dump someone.”

Teddy stood behind Noah’s spot on the couch watching the television for a moment before grabbing her laptop from the guest room.  “When I was doing my undergrad in Chicago and you had started in the major leagues, I’d always find an excuse to go to your games when you were in town… Rain or shine, horrible seats or behind him plate. I had enough time back then that I never missed one… I know I missed a lot more than I’m ever going to be okay with having missed, but I hope you know I am really proud of you.”  

She glanced at him when he said that he had felt better that morning, which flooded her with a sense of relief.  Perhaps it was her memory that failed her or maybe it was the seriousness of the fall, but she couldn’t remember a time when she’d witnessed his body work its way back to fully normal take so long.  “That’s good.”

Noah wasn’t sure how to react to the information, though it made him feel better knowing that maybe she had wanted to be with him more than he thought she did. He knew she’d said it, but he still hadn’t been convinced she’d wanted to be with him. Wasn’t love supposed to conquer all? Or maybe it was finally time for Noah to grow up and out of that mindset. 

Teddy was watching the play on the screen for a lingering moment rather than looking at Noah when he noticed her.  She glanced his way and nodded.  She felt much better, even if she had only gotten a few hours of sleep.  That was a normal part of her routine by now. “Thanks,” she said quietly, heading over to the kitchen to find something to quiet her growling stomach.  “Do you need quiet?” she asked, looking over her shoulder and referring to the plays he watched on the TV. “I have work I could do if you need me to keep myself occupied.”  She wanted to call to check on her patients as well, but had a strong feeling she’d get nothing more than a tongue lashing if she did call the hospital. “What about you? You seemed stiff last night. Everything okay today?”

“No, I don’t. It’s not like the announcers say anything I need to hear,” he pointed out, looking over at Teddy. “You can do your work out here.” Noah wasn’t sure if she wanted to be near him or not, but he wasn’t about to worry about it. He had a hard time reminding himself that she dumped him, anyway. “I’m fine. A hot shower really made everything better,” he admitted, rolling his shoulders. 

Teddy turned back toward Noah as he asked if he could pick something up for her.  She shook her head no, feeling perhaps as awkward about the interaction as he felt confused.  But if she was managing to make every interaction between them feel so off and uncomfortable, she would rather sleep and hope it was because of her exhaustion and not just how things were.  If it was still odd after she’d gotten some sleep, she could always spend the next few days in a hotel room. 

Teddy lay on the bed–after pulling the comforter back over the sheets–and left the cough syrup on the side table.  She stared at it for a moment, a few bars of a song with the same title, Cough Syrup, running through her head, a song that had always reminded her of Noah for some reason.  She shut her eyes, falling asleep for the next few hours.  By the time she came out of her room she was dressed, showered, and a bit more put together.  She chewed on a nail absent mindedly as she left the guest bedroom to see if Noah was around, or if he’d left some indication of where he might otherwise be.

Noah had made his trip to the store, but it hadn’t taken him long. He’d been adamant on the fact that his visions would happen if someone was going to get into his house, and satisfied that they were safe, he made his way to the store.

He’d busied himself with menial things while Teddy slept, mainly watching plays and specific games he was required to before spring training. He looked up when she walked out, raising an eyebrow, “Hey. You feeling any better?” he asked. Noah wondered if she was still shaken, unable to really blame her. He was still shaken. It wasn’t like the movies, where he was some badass guy who knew all these fighting moves. He was just invulnerable. “There’s food in the kitchen.”

Teddy made a slight face at the cough syrup Noah placed on the table and released a gentle sigh of exhaustion. She didn’t want to overtly ask if he had weed, though she knew it would be the quickest and most effective thing to put her out for the night.  “The cough syrups fine,” she told him as she got up and crossed over to the kitchen with her arm out. “They make one now that’s just a sleep aid… but… I’ll just…” She nodded in the direction of the guest room again and began to head that way, frustrated with the fact that their relationship felt so fragmented that even crawling under the guest bed and pretending to disappear felt like the better option.

Noah found the entire interaction confusing, holding the bottle out while she took it. He poured himself a glass of orange juice, giving a slow nod, “Okay then. Do you want me to pick any food up?” He asked as she retreated to the bedroom, heading towards his own to shower and put real clothes on.

“Mm, so Jamie’s wearing women’s underwear now?” Teddy asked, knowing it wasn’t what Noah had meant.  She leaned slightly out of the way and looked up as Noah got to his feet.  “Oh, you didn’t have to–” But he was already on his way to the kitchen.  She chewed at her bottom lip and tried to squelch the feeling that he had gotten up just because she sat down, but if he felt uncomfortable near her she couldn’t exactly blame him.  She mulled over the idea of a sleeping pill, but didn’t want to put in the mental work to remember whether or not his prescription would react negatively with her special medical cocktail for her anxiety and residual health issues.  “You don’t have… anything else?” 

“What, you want cough syrup? I hear that works, too,” he pointed out, setting it down on the counter. Noah let out a sigh, crossing his arms over his chest as he leaned back against the fridge. He didn’t really have any other options, “You’re the doctor. What will help?”

Teddy caught the man’s sudden movement from the corner of her eye before she closed the door all the way.  She had felt bad about waking him up until she caught a glimpse of his wild looking hair and had to bite back a small laugh.  She slipped back outside the door and to the couch where she sat on the floor facing him.  She pulled her knees up to her chest and let her head fall to the side and rest against the couch cushion.  “I didn’t mean to wake you up, sorry,” she whispered in a low voice.  It was evident from her clear mindedness and relatively out together appearance that she hadn’t gotten a minute of sleep. It was also painfully obvious in the dark circles under her eyes that she was exhausted.  “I couldn’t sleep and when I um…. went to lay down there were uh…. some ladies undies in the sheets…. Not sure how those got there…. or how long ago.”

“Jamie. Definitely Jamie,” Noah laughed, rubbing his face. He stood up after a second, looking at her as she sat down, “Thirsty?” he asked, heading towards the kitchen to grab two water bottles and some orange juice. “I can’t remember when that would’ve been.” He always washed the sheets whenever Jamie came over. There was no way in hell he wouldn’t. So how they got there also baffled him. “I’m guessing you slept terrible. Try and take a nap, or I have sleeping pills. Pretty harmless.”

“Yeah, um… Goodnight,” Teddy mumbled over her shoulder glancing at Noah before shutting the door behind her quietly.  She set her bag down near the bed before willing the blinds closed and sitting at the head of the bed.  She kept her eyes and attention on the sounds and shifts in light coming from outside of the window.  She lost track of time, her tired mind fighting to keep alert until she felt less afraid.  Finally Teddy pulled the covers of the bed back to get in, but grimaced at the unexpected little surprise she found beneath the covers.  She sighed and figured she could figure out where fresh sheets were in the morning and could sleep on the couch in the meantime.  With a yawn, she opened the door to tiredly stumble to the couch, but stopped when she saw Noah’s form still sleeping on the couch.  She paused for a moment before stepping back and trying to close the  door quietly in hopes she hadn’t disturbed him. 

Noah had fallen back asleep right in the same spot he’d sat down in. He was already tired from being restless from the vision, and his headache had finally gone down enough to where he didn’t feel nauseous. He only opened his eyes when he heard the doors closed, sitting up quickly with his hair a disaster, “Ugh,” he huffed, rubbing his face as he turned towards the door that just closed, “You up?”

Teddy listened to the advice to take a couple of days off of work, but knew she wouldn’t heed it.  She didn’t exactly have the option.  She’d had to fight to get the time for her brother’s graduation off so soon after the time away for the reunion. She had a day and a half off left at this point.  Perhaps if she was lucky it would feel later than it actually was when she needed to return to the hospital since the two had come together in the middle of the night, sparing the two an argument.  “Fine,” she responded simply.  She looked at her bag on the floor and picked it up to head back to the room she’d been directed to in order to get out of his hair for the rest of the evening. 

“Okay...cool.” Noah rose an eyebrow when that’s all that was said, sinking a little lower into the couch. “Have a good night, then.”

Teddy wanted to argue that she couldn’t throw caution to the wind.  She didn’t want to just help herself. It was too much to risk her patients and her access to them, not to mention her sense of fear.  The bit of bite she had displayed just the moment before seemed to be gone, and she envied Noah for having more fight in him than she could ever imagine having herself. “So now what?”

Noah shrugged his shoulders, putting a pillow behind his head, “You lay low for a couple of days? Take a day or two off from work, that way they don’t get you for that, then go back to work. They shouldn’t bother you with so many people around. Just keep your guard up.”

“You don’t,” she answered quietly.  She looked restless for a moment, shuffling her feet and looking away.  “I wish we couldn’t do what we can do–better not to have an ability at all then just have to–have to… fucking tow the line and watch people die when they shouldn’t have to…”

Noah found his way over to his couch, sinking down into the cushions. His body was still sore, despite it being healed. He wished the nerves were just as quick. “Yeah, well, that makes two of us. But that’s not what happened, so here we are. And I say fuck it. If it’s going to help us in the long run, then might as well embrace it.”

“If you see things you can’t change then how do you know you were supposed to change this?” she asked.  It wasn’t that she was ungrateful, but it sounded from his description that the things he saw were set in stone, so much so that she couldn’t understand how he’d stopped it.  Perhaps tonight the timing had been lucky, but it was only a postponement of her grisly fate. 

“I don’t,” he pointed out, crossing his arms over his chest. “But I think I am supposed to change them. Because why would I see it? I’ve seen murders happen down the street, but I’m too worried about being caught. I could take a bullet for someone and live, but how do I explain that to the doctors as my own body pushes out the fucking bullet?”