DrivebyOnlooker

I walk past the new shitty modern condos in my neighbourhood

I walk past the dog park, maybe I should have asked to pet one

Maybe it would make me feel better

I walk past

I walk past myself

It envelopes me

I have to be something

But do I want to

When you think of right now

What am I to you

Meet me where I’m at

Can you find me

Tell me

I’m thinking of the crack of pavement I would have had exactly now.

Grey carpet yellow veins-

I am thinking of the life coming out my ears.

The way my vision greyed-

I know I’m out there somewhere

After the decision was made

Mourning my future years

How that stapled life would end

Cleanse the whole world

It has me between its palms

Like a pray animal

Mixing up my oranges and greens again

wildfire season

Saw a something on the wall

A powerline

I think in big steel cages

Impossible to pry

Reflecting sweaty forehead

On its locks this time

Incense next to the fan

Another thing to burn

Cook the world

Beading stings dripping

I hold onto my mother strings

Recount my abcs

Pulsating in its species

I have to call the snakes

Ambulances need breath to scream

I’m not whispering to you

I can feel my cells splitting

Do you metastasize without me looking

Smashing microscopes

I don’t want to know what it’s made of

Wailing mothers

There’s puke in the dishpit

I didn’t know chests could sound like a pumped tire

Going back to a strangers cats

Head of water and oil

Never in its entirety

Tires pumping in a dish pit

One handed sternum rub

Watching apples bruise to the phone singing

Some songs melt like butter in your palms

Hands of water and oil

like static on a tv

I’m stagnant

dissonant

don’t be disappointed

please just sit with me

and maybe

you will begin

to hear

nakedness

There would be no tears on the piano keys

Trying to remember what’s not a love song

No leaning forward in the backseat wondering

why people only like you

At least I hope it is

An excuse to hold someone’s hand

And pretend we know eachother

I don’t want to find anything to talk about

I just wanna be another thing

A covering of the senses

Bleeding through the air

Mulling it over

Whispers joining city smoke

Oily fingerprints from inside

Evidence

When they’re counting heads

I have my theories

they sing to me like insects

When I’m looking from the bottom all I see is that I’m stuck

Im not looking for no one to fix me looking for the girl to trick me

Looking for a sign and it’s all pickled like a wilting fig tree

Looking for the victory

the bullet landed in me

Looking for the waving flag

Im circling the ring

When I’m looking all around

The light stays in my vision

Like a Polaroid picture

Or a person that is missing

I’m a blur in the cogs in the steam in the rocks

Dragging out the house out the smoke out the fog

Your face is all crackling

And im walking thru the walls

Can’t be near nobody can’t be clear moving forward

Who knows what’s happening

I tell myself that they will pick me up soon

Even if they have talons like falcons

And wings like vultures

They will pick me apart until all I see is crimson ivory

And I will thank them for how gentle they’ve been

Holding tendons in their beak

I know it could be worse

But it’s so bad

I know it’s for the greater good

Waiting will keep you complacent

Hope on a string what a wonderful thing

So close it’s as if you can taste it

If you manage to tie up your tongue

So it keeps you from baring your gums

Then maybe, just maybe

After years of the waiting

I have lost my sense of taste for loneliness

I have lost whatever sanity that was holding it

So I spill out the streams of green goop that dried caked on and coated the cracks of my skull

And spit out the splinters of white knuckled hope and the remnants are sun bleached and dull

I have told her the turnings and tossings of terrors and nighttime perceptual patterns

And the way that the thoughts in my head sound akin to the stirrings of the maddest hatters

The chairs and tables are awake as I am and there’s soul in their fabrics exposures

In the nighttime they glow like the man with the brim that has stood just a street or two over

This dream stated frenzy defaces intently green mud up my legs and I’m caught in the door

It all ends the same where we play this big game and Im losing it worse than Ive lost it before

That seems pretty stressful she says

It seems like you’ve bottled the things in your head

Have you tried meditation?

A four week vacation?

Dreading the shapes behind my eyes

As they create the same thing over and over

I know she’ll be waiting for me

My dreams are concentrated

Collapsed in the galleries

Knees to the floor

Seeing shadow realities

Ghost hunts for my 13 year old

It’s always a humiliation

A reckoning with strangers

Fighting off the strangulation

I work hard to foster my day

But it always unravels in the night

What am I missing