Some of the other girls on the island had tried to trap you into confessing just how much Toni meant to you or vice versa, but you and Toni knew better, you were on an island and admitting your strong feelings would only complicate whatever was going on between the two of you. The nights spent alone in different corners of the island and empty promises shared between the two of you were nice, but it was more wishful thinking than anything realistic for the time being. That didn’t stop the two of you allowing yourselves to get close and let down your walls, even sharing your deepest secrets and fears with each other- something that almost seemed easier if you two never saw each other again.

You knew the way she felt like she was too hard to love and that she thought that her anger scared everyone away, but you didn’t agree with her. Maybe it was your own temper, which wasn’t nearly as bad as hers, but you weren’t worried by it. You had told her that you didn’t care that she got out of control, citing your reasons as being that control was difficult for everyone and you would be a hypocrite to judge her control issues when you knew how hard control was.

She knew about how you worried about running from your feelings again and completely shutting everyone out. You had done it more than once and in the back of your mind, you were convinced you would do it again. It was your defense mechanism to keep yourself from getting hurt- but it negatively affected those around you- which you couldn’t bear to hate yourself for. She told you that she wouldn’t let you leave her, that she was too stubborn to let you leave her, especially if the two of you were stuck on the island for however long. It provided you comfort for the time being, but just like her fears, yours weren’t fully dissipated either.

The wine is cold

Like the shoulder that I gave you in the street

Cat and mouse for a month or two or three

Now I wake up in the night and watch you breathe

That’s just how the two of you worked- you would have deep conversations in the woods of the island and hold onto each other when the woods got cold as the sun went down, but that was the most of it. Neither of you could deny that something was going on between you two, but you couldn’t quite bring yourselves to admit your real feelings for the other one. It was embarrassing almost, the high school type cat and mouse game in which you both chased the other one but would never fully give in- it felt like every shitty romcom ever- well maybe without the happy ending.

That cat and mouse game continued for the following weeks of you all being on the island, which frustrated the others to no end. They could see the way you two looked at the other one when they weren’t looking and they could see the kisses in the woods that you thought you were being secretive about. Fortunately for them, and the two of you, the girls had devised a plan to further the relationship between you and Toni. A plan that only needed one thing, copious amounts of alcohol.

Thankfully for them, you were already pouring alcohol into your mouth by the time the sun set. All it took for your actions was a simple suggestion from Martha, she had asked you to get drunk with her and a few of the other girls and you had eagerly agreed, excited to finally have a reason to let loose on the island. The liquid stung the back of your throat as you shared the bottle with Martha and Fatin, but you could care less- you didn’t need chasers in school so why would you need them now?

Despite your lack of need for a chaser, your tolerance was embarrassingly low- or perhaps you just always drank too much. Unfortunately for you, that led to you sitting next to Toni and offering her a drink from the bottle in your hand, insisting that she wasn’t nearly as drunk as you were, in Toni’s defense, no one was as drunk as you were. However, your puppy eyes were too good for Toni to say no to, so of course, she was drinking to get caught up to your level, hoping it would help her relax just as much as you were.

The night carried on quickly with different dance battles, a little bit of night swimming- to which Dot had freaked over the idea of you or Shelby getting eaten by a shark, and even sand castle competitions. All of these ideas came from you who happened to be letting every single idea slip past your lips with a lack of any filter at all.

You suddenly jumped up off of the sand you had been resting on and looked around the group, a big smile covering your face, “I need to pee!” You announced, earning  a few giggles from the girls that had ended up nearly as drunk as you were. You then looked down to Toni, pulling at her hand to get her to stand up with you, “and you’re going to come with me!” You added, not noticing the way Toni gulped nervously or the way the other girls seemed to be watching the two of you as if you were their favorite movie. Instead of responding, Toni just nodded, an uneasy smile on her face as you dragged her towards a darker corner of the island.

You walked a few feet in front of Toni, painfully oblivious to the way she seemed to be deep in thought. Toni was busy trying to keep her lips sealed tight despite the alcohol in her body begging them to part and let out her feelings for you. Her speech she had practiced a few days ago was dangerously close to falling out past her lips and thus, she would reveal how she felt. The one problem was that she didn't want to say it drunk, especially when she didn’t know how you felt. Despite your relationship between the two of you, Toni couldn’t help but think about how you called yourself a player, telling Toni how you wished you weren’t one- but you just couldn’t quite seem to keep feelings for anyone.

Toni was so deep in thought that she hadn’t realized when you stopped moving to stare at her. “I don’t have to pee,” you suddenly mumbled, catching Toni’s attention with your words. Her eyes crinkled in confusion but you just smiled in response, “I just wanted to spend time with you alone. “ You admitted, something you wouldn’t have said so easily if you had been sober.

I like shiny things, but I'd marry you with paper rings

You could almost see the slight blush on Toni’s face in the dark, a mix of alcohol and you creating that reaction on her face. “You did?” She asked, her voice coming out a lot weaker than she intended for. She hated how weak you made her, like she could be ruined by the wrong set of words coming from your mouth.

You nodded your head quickly and pulled her down onto a rock, “sit here. I wanted to show you something.” You mumbled, holding onto her shoulders as you spoke to her, your glassy eyes meeting her own. While your nerves were completely gone, Toni’s heart was still racing, something you had yet to notice.

You walked, or skipped, off towards a bush, not caring about anything except for your current plan for what you were going to do. It was honestly quite bold but you couldn’t stop thinking about it and if you didn’t do it, you would be upset with yourself. So, without a second thought, you plucked a long piece of grass from the ground and brought it back to her, nearly letting out a laugh at how confused she looked.

Before she could question what you were doing, you spoke up, “wait, don’t say anything just yet. I need to say something.” You said, watching her for her agreement before you carried on. “You know that Taylor Swift song that is like ‘I like shiny things but I’d marry you with paper rings’? Well I was thinking about that song and you make me feel like that. Like not marriage obviously, I’m not even eighteen yet, but like we’re here. On an island. And despite all the scary things and bad ideas- you’re the only thing that matters. Like I could care less about if we never get off this island, I’m just happy I met you.” You rambled, nerves and alcohol leading to the slurred and messy speech you had just told to her. “I like you, Toni, a lot.” You paused, looking down at the piece of grass in your hands, “I guess this is like, I don’t know, a promise almost? That I actually like you and that I’m not gonna run away from my feelings anymore.”

You paused, your heart rate finally becoming noticeable to yourself and you suddenly felt insanely sober from your actions. You felt as if you had just let her break down all of your walls and you were quite frankly terrified of how she would react. “Can I stand up now?” She asked, a smile on her face, which drove you crazy.

“That’s it? I say all that and you ask if you can stand up?” You asked, not even knowing how to feel, you hadn’t even noticed your arms were flailing as you questioned her until she grabbed both of your wrists and pulled them down, using them to pull you a little bit closer to her.

She still hadn’t said anything yet but the two of you were inches apart and you wanted to throw up. Or maybe it was just a feeling of panic settling in your chest, what if you had gone too far with what you said? You had been known to jump into feelings too quickly but you felt as if she could be there too.

Before you could speak up again and question her once more, she let go of one of your wrists and planted her hand softly on the side of your face, her eyes scanning your own before she leaned in and gently pressed her lips to yours. The two of you had kissed before but this was different, you were finally allowed to feel everything you were feeling, you could finally show her how much you liked her. Your free wrist dropped to her waist as you pulled her closer, not letting her pull away just yet. The two of you stayed like that for a second, just taking each other in and enjoying the moment of peace.

She pulled away with a soft smile on her face and a mysterious glint in her eyes as she backed off and went over to the spot where you had once been. You could see her pick up her own piece of grass and walk back over to you and smiled again, “then I promise to actually stop worrying and just let myself like you. Because I do like you,” she paused, “like I like you a lot.” And with that, she took the piece of grass and tied it around your ring finger, “so instead of getting married with paper rings, we’re uh- dating? With grassy rings.” She said, finishing the knot around your finger and looked up to you expectantly, “well if you want.”

You’re not sure what to make of her anger, you know it’s there and you can feel it, even when she’s peaceful and at rest. You know she tries to hide it from you because of her past and how anger ripped that relationship from her, and it hurts you to know that she’s not being her entire self around you. You’ve seen it in the way that she won’t let herself make eye contact with you after she yells too loudly or tears down a hut in frustration, she’s terrified it will scare you away.

That’s exactly what just happened: she let her anger get the best of her, again. One little fight between her and Leah over rations and she’s gone again, her head exploding with feelings of anger and the feeling of control slipping from her fingers. She barely even looks at you before she’s running off around some corner to go sit in the dark by herself. You know deep down that it’s how she likes to cope, but you’re not giving up on her just yet. You want her to see that you’re there for her through it all, even her dark moments.

“Since we’re alone, you can show me your heart. If you put it all in my hand, no, I swear I won’t break it apart.”

Before you knew it, you were next to her on the rocks, your mind racing with what you could possibly say to her. You had seen this side to her a few times since she had been on the island, but this was the first time you were brave enough to go talk to her. In all honesty, you didn’t know how she’d react but you needed her to understand that you weren’t going to push her away over this, that you were with her no matter what.

“When I was younger my mom accidentally dropped this pet toad I had picked up in my backyard and instead of crying, I yelled at her. I yelled at her so much that my voice ran dry and I finally broke down into sobs. I told her these nasty things that should’ve never been said to my mom… ever. My toad was okay, probably traumatized, but he was okay. After she dropped him, I wouldn’t talk to her for three days and she was on the verge of bringing me to a counselor before I finally spoke to her.” You finally said, letting the words flow out before you truly knew where you were going with this, something about what you were saying felt right to you.

She looked over at you in confusion, unsure of why you were sharing this with her, but she stayed quiet, knowing you were about to speak again. “I know it’s not really comparable or anything to how you feel sometimes but the truth is that we all have anger inside of us and sometimes that comes out stronger than we mean it to. We take out pain and fear in anger and it gets the best of us. This island brings out the worst of us and sure, it can be ugly but I mean, where else are we supposed to lose our minds, right?” You added, trying to think of what you were getting at. “I see the way you hide your anger around me, I see the way you run the second you lose control, the way you refuse to let anyone see you weak. I don’t know why you do it, but I just want you to know that I’m here. You’re not going to scare me off or make me leave because you’re upset.”

Toni looked to you, her eyes softening slightly but you could still feel the hesitation and anger coming from her. “I just get so angry and I can’t stop it. It’s not something that came out on the island, I’ve always been like this and probably always will be like this.”

You frowned, noticing the slight bitterness to her words, hinting at a rough past with how she handled herself. “That’s okay too, you know that right? I mean none of us are perfect, far from it actually. Just so you know, it’s not anger that defines you, it’s just a piece of you. When I told you that I was falling for you, I meant all of you, not just the good parts, every single thing about you. I might not get your anger or know your past but I know you now.” You said as you reached for her hand, grabbing it lightly so she had the chance to pull away if she wanted to.

“Since we’re alone, show me all that you are.”

She held onto your hand in response and turned to face you, “I’ve lost people and good things because of how I am, you get that right? It’s not worth falling for me if you’re just gonna become afraid of me when you see how I really am. It’s just how the world works, you know? Like look at Martha, she’s so pure and full of light and even she can’t handle me sometimes, how do you think you’re going to be able to handle it, huh?” She asked you, her eyes slowly watering at her words and you reached up with your free hand to wipe the one that had fallen free.

Shaking your head you tried to think about how to explain it to her, “I’m a lot tougher than I look. I want you no matter what that means, you’re Toni, you’re my Toni and I wouldn’t have you any other way.” You mumbled, knowing it wasn’t enough but you couldn’t quite find the words you wanted to say.

Toni smiled at your words but it was clear that she was still guarded, “thank you.” She said, squeezing your hand in her own as she turned to face the ocean and watched the waves as they crashed lightly onto the rocks that sat in front of the two of you. “what if I hurt you or something?” She asked, still refusing to look over at you.

The flashbacks haunted her, the feelings of abandonment and not being enough in her past left her worried for the future of the two of you. Only one person knew how much she was hurt when Reagan left and that was Martha. She loved Reagan more than anything and Toni’s own mistakes drove Reagan away from her. She couldn’t bring herself to hate Reagan for leaving, Toni knew why she did it and Toni was afraid that you’d do the same. She was worried that you would stop being so understanding about her anger and that you would leave.

“And if you get lost in the light, it’s okay. I can see in the dark.”

You pulled her close to you, wrapping both your arms around her shrunken figure and pressed your lips to the side of her forehead, “I’m not leaving. You’re so worried about hurting me and that fear is enough for me to stay, Toni, I trust you more than anyone else on this island. I trust you more than I trust myself. I’ve never felt anything but safe around you. I need you to understand that, okay? I don’t want to lose you.” You whispered, keeping her close to you as you spoke.

Her leg bounced against the rock as she let your words sink in, to allow herself to understand that you wanted to stay, to realize that you wanted her; the good and the bad. No one had yet taken the time to completely understand her and talk through her anger and what it meant, but she appreciated that you were the first to bring it up freely. It made her feel like that side of her wasn’t something to hide but rather it was something that was just another piece of her.

“Can you promise that you’ll stay?” She asked you, her voice coming out quiet as she was afraid of a truthful answer here. She knew that a promise like that was almost bound to be broken but she needed the temporary comfort of those words from you.

Pointing your pinky finger to the sky, you extended it over to her so that Toni could wrap her own finger around yours. “I pinky promise, Toni, plus if I ever break that- you can break my finger and say that it was just karma or something. That’s just how pinky promises work,” you said, a small laugh falling from your laugh as you kept your fingers locked together.

She shook her head, holding back a laugh from your words but a carefree smile had made its way across her face at your words, “yeah I wouldn’t do that, but if it ever were to happen in some freak accident, then that would definitely be karma. Or you know, in case you want your finger to be extra safe, you could just stay.” She responded, her words coming out lighthearted but you could feel the plea for you to stay true to your promise in her words.

You nodded, breaking your hand apart from hers to place it on her cheek, slowly guiding her closer to you. Your eyes flick to hers once more before down to her lips, and then they finally shut as you close the distance between the two of you. When Toni kisses you back it’s so full of love that you nearly cry, you’re finally breaking down her walls, you’re finally getting all of her and there’s nothing you want more. You feel her hands slide up to cup your face as you let yourself melt into the kiss and you decide in that moment that if you were going to die on the island, it would be worth it because you had her.

She pulls away first, resting her forehead on yours as her hands fall down on top of yours and she holds them tightly. The two of you sit like that for a minute, just listening to the sounds of the island and clinging to the feelings of closeness you had just created. “I think I love you,” she whispers, keeping her eyes trained down at your hands but you could hear the smile in her words. That was one of the final walls around her heart starting to come down and both of you could feel the amount of weight those words carried for her.

What you didn’t know was that Toni had quietly followed you towards the end of the island. She wanted to get to know you better in general, but right now she just wanted to make sure that you were okay. She had picked up the hesitancy in your confession when the words left your mouth and added onto Shelby’s mention of you praying afterwards- well that was a recipe for disaster.

As soon as you had reached one of the shorter cliffs that overlooked the ocean, you sat down and faced the sea in hopes that it would calm your spinning head. It was 2020, how could anyone not be supportive of loving whoever you wanted to love? You were out to your parents and while they hadn’t loved the idea of you loving women, they did support you and tell you that they just wanted you to be happy. That was similar to pretty much everyone else’s reactions to you coming out- supportive even if they didn’t understand. So when Shelby reacted in a different way, you didn’t know how to sit around and just take her words.

Your head had gotten so caught up in your thoughts that you didn’t realize someone had walked up to you until they were sitting down next to you. “Hey, uh- I know what Shelby said was tough, I mean fuck, it wasn’t okay at all but I just wanted to see if you were okay? “ Toni asked, her head cocked to the side as she stared at you, trying to gage how you were feeling.

A sniffle left you before words could and you mentally cursed yourself for seeming so weak, you weren’t big on crying in front of strangers, even in this crazy situation. “I’m fine,” you said, pausing as if you were going to add something else but you decided against it, closing your mouth quickly.

The girl next to you wasn’t so convinced, “You’re not. I’m pretty sure anyone who has ever had a crush on someone of the same gender isn’t okay after that comment, we’ve dealt with enough bullshit about it and we shouldn’t have to worry about it right now. The fear of being judged should be last on our list of worries, yet here we are, you know?”

“Is that why you’re here... making sure I’m okay?” You asked, finally looking over to her. It was an odd question given the fact that you knew the answer but you couldn’t help yourself as the words spilled out of you.

Toni nodded, no words being necessary to her answer. She was still looking at you as if she was scared that you would break down in front of her. “wait hold on,” she mumbled, scooting herself closer to you, “you have like a branch or something in your hair.” She whispered as her hand came up to your hair and worked on pulling the small twig out.

You froze at her closeness, suddenly feeling like you wanted her a lot closer than that but unable to form those words or even fully understand those feelings. “Thank you,” you said, your heart racing against your words.

Toni sat close to you for a second, her eyes falling down to your lips but before anything else happened, she pushed herself back and stood up, extending a hand out to you. She had gone cold almost instantly. “We should get back- they’ll be worried about us.”

You nodded, grabbing her hand and standing up next to her before releasing her hand just as quick. You couldn’t quite place a name on it yet but you felt something for her, you just didn’t know if it was simply because she had been nice to you or if there was something more there.

The next time she almost kissed you was four days later.

The shelter building contest was growing intense even though it had just started. A fight between Shelby and Toni had already broken out which unfortunately for Toni, ended with Martha choosing Shelby’s side.

A part of you was telling yourself to go after her and help her collect wood to calm her down because of how close the two of you had grown over the past few days, but a bigger piece of you was telling you to stay put, Toni needed to cool off on her own.

“Alright so- how can I help?” You asked, looking over to Shelby who had already started making space near a cliff. You hadn’t fully forgiven her for telling you that you needed to pray but you were currently stuck on an island with her- holding grudges wouldn’t do shit for you.

Shelby looked at you with a smile, “Martha is going to build while we cut the wood we already have, do you wanna help Martha? I think Nora can help me just fine.” She suggested, looking over at Martha who was currently dragging over some of the chopped wood.

You nodded, walking off towards Martha, not wanting to interact with Shelby any longer. “Hey,” you said with a smile as you helped her balance a piece of wood against another piece.

“Hi, y/n!” She said back, a light heartedness to her tone that you wished you could still carry with you but your hope for leaving the island had dropped after the first two days. “Do you think we can win this? I really want those Takis,” she added as she walked over to grab another piece of wood.

“Hopefully.” You answered, continuing to help Martha as the other girls were cutting wood.

Time passed quickly under the hot sun as you let your mind drift back to the second night on the island, wondering if Martha had heard about what happened. Even worse, you couldn’t help but look back for Toni after each new piece of wood was added to the hut.

You felt your heart jump when you finally turned back to see Toni walking towards the group with a stack of wood tucked under her arm. You watched as she put down the branches and began to talk with the girls- from the look of it, she wasn’t happy with what they were telling her.

“So I just straight-up wasted my time? Whose fucking idea was this? Was it yours?” She asked, her glare being focused onto Shelby as you finally walked up to the rest of the group with Martha, hoping to do some damage control.

“We all decided this as a team, can you please just go with it?” Martha asked, hoping to pull her best friend back under control before there was another outburst.

Toni shrugged and turned away from the group, walking off without another word. “Maybe I should go off after her, you know- it was my plan and everything that we switched to.” Shelby spoke up as she watched Toni walk away, “i feel like someone should talk to her.”

You looked at Shelby in shock, sure she was the resident optimist here, but she couldn’t possibly go after the person she just annoyed, you would never have the guts to do that. “You really think it should be you? I mean come on Shelby, you’ve done enough to piss her off.” You fought back, trying to keep your tone even.

“Y/N is right, Shelby, I think that you should go, y/n. Well, either you or Martha, both of you seem to have a calming effect on her when she’s ticked off.” Nora spoke up, looking between you and Martha with pleading eyes.

Martha stayed quiet and looked to the ground, she felt worse for Shelby than she did for Toni at the moment and it was showing. “It should be y/n, Toni and I haven't been getting along great lately.” She answered with sad eyes. You could tell that the strain on their friendship was affecting both of them negatively.

You nodded, pulling Martha in for a hug and sending a smile to the other girls, “I’ll be back soon. If I’m not, well I either fell in a ditch or a shark ate me,” you teased, earning a small laugh from Shelby,

You could still hear them talking about the hut and their plans as you walked away but your mind was too focused on finding your friend. You felt almost silly for coming after her as she had just done the same for you a few nights ago, but you knew that someone should go talk to her. The sound of waves filled your ears and you chose to focus on that instead, trying to calm your nerves so you wouldn’t stress before going to see her.

It had been about five minutes and you still had no sight of Toni which worried you a little bit, sure she had a head start, but you would’ve hoped that she had found somewhere to just sit and pout, rather than continuing her trek of madness around the island.  “Toni, you out here?” You called out as you walked around one of the corners of the island, smiling when you finally saw the figure of a girl sitting on one of the rocks.

You made your way up to her without another word before stopping right in front of her so that Toni would have to look at you. “You okay?” You asked her, studying her frame. She was curled into herself and anyone would be able to feel the anger radiating off of her.

“I’m fine. Just annoyed, that’s all.” She answered and you frowned, you could hear the hurt in her voice despite the clear efforts she was making to hide it. Before you could question her, she spoke again, “don’t you find it weird how we keep coming after each other when we barely know each other? I don’t mind it but normally people don’t care enough to try and talk me down, well except Marty.”

You moved to sit down on the rock next to hers and looked at your feet as you tried to find the right words for the situation. “Yeah, it’s like a good weird- or at least I like the weird. It’s um, well it’s cool.” You stumbled out, mentally cursing yourself over your awkwardness.

“Can I ask you something?” Toni asked you, pulling her knees up to her chest as she spoke.

“Alway- yeah of course you can.” You answered, still trying your hardest to not trip over your own words.”

Toni smiled to herself, “uh- why do you seem so nervous whenever you’re around me?” She asked, a smile still playing across her lips. She fucking knew. She could tell that this wasn’t just friendship for you.

You blushed, trying to figure out how to explain it without completely exposing yourself to her right now. “I uh- I think you’re pretty.” You rushed out, not meeting her eyes as you spoke.

She laughed but you could tell it wasn’t meant to be rude or to shoot you down in any way, it was almost like she was laughing from shock. “That was cute, you know that?” She asked, remaining calm through the whole thing.

You got up off of the rock, “right. Well, uh, I’m gonna go help with the contest and everything. I’ll see you over there, alright?” You said, leaning forward and kissing her on the cheek, something that shocked you as much as it seemed to shock Toni.

One of her hands grabbed your face before you could fully pull away and she looked at you in the same way she had looked at you the other night, like she was about to kiss you. But just like that first night, you were left disappointed as she pulled you in for a hug instead of kissing you, “I’ll see you around.” She answered, her face buried in your neck, “thank you by the way, for checking on me.”

The third time Toni almost kissed you, her life had just been in danger.

The shellfish feast had turned out to be a fucking disaster filled with nearly everyone on the island throwing up. Only you and Shelby hadn’t eaten them, Shelby being allergic and you were simply too picky to eat them.

Unfortunately for you, that meant you had to hold back everyone’s hair as they threw up, the sight and smells of which almost added you to the list of those emptying their stomach contents. “This is fucking brutal,” you had mentioned to Shelby as you both ran towards Leah who had tripped over a log and landed down into the sand, the girl was basically delusional.

“Tell me about it,” she answered, “I can get Leah if you wanna go check on Marty and Toni, they’re in the worst shape right now.” Shelby added, looking over to the two girls who were laying down in the shade, barely moving.

You nodded at her words, running over to the two of them so you could assess the situation. Martha was still busy throwing up but she was at least upright while Toni could barely stay on her side to throw up. You looked up to the sky as if an answer would suddenly pop up when Dot came running over to you and the girls.

“Okay so these two are in really bad shape, huh?” She questioned and you nodded, trying to avoid the spots that they had thrown up onto. “Alright well, Leah is getting the med bag, if I go get two waters can you help me try and get them to drink some? They need it even if they can’t keep it down.” She suggested, not letting you disagree before she walked over to the supplies stash.

You sat down near Toni and grabbed her by her shoulders, pulling her up so her back was pressed against you. She groaned at the sudden movement but was too exhausted to truly fight you on what you were doing. You waited for Dot to come back anxiously, hoping that Toni wouldn’t manage to throw up in the short period of time when Dot was away from you.

Dot’s return was quick as she handed you a water can and walked over to Martha, taking care of her and holding her hair back in case Marty needed to throw up. You looked back to the girl in front of you and you tipped her head up, lightly pulling on her chin to get her to open her mouth. “No-” she said, “I can’t.” She added, trying to push your hands away from you.

“I don’t care right now, drink the water.” You said, pulling the can up to her lips again. She tried to turn her head but you were quicker than her, managing to keep her mouth pressed to the lid of the can before pouring some of the liquid down her throat. Immediately after she swallowed the water, she was leaning to the side and emptying her stomach once again, crying out in pain due to how much she had already thrown up.

You held back her hair as she flopped over the side of your leg, her cheek resting on it as she stared down into the sand in front of her. You wanted to help more, but until the medicine bag was here, you couldn’t do anything. So, you were essentially stuck there, hoping that she would be okay despite the grave circumstances that she was currently facing.

“If I make it out of this alive-” Toni started to speak but was cut off by her stomach lurching.

You felt your heart drop at her words, “you’re making it out of this alive. Don’t start with that,” you said, pulling a piece of her hair away from her face. “But seriously, Toni, don’t talk right now, you need strength,” you added, feeling horrible for the girl.

“So you don’t want me to tell you that I want to kiss you?” She asked, turning to look up at you for a second before resting her head back against your thigh, deciding that sitting up was a bad idea.

You tried to think up a coherent response to that but between your worry for her health and your growing crush on her, you couldn’t quite think of the right thing to say. Instead you just bit your lip as you tried to conceal a smile and ran your free hand across her back, trying to provide some comfort to Toni as she was clearly still feeling like hell.

“We got the pills!” A voice yelled and you turned to see Shelby running up to meet you and Dot, “here’s the bag.” The blonde said, handing it over to Dot who would know what to do. You could feel your anxiety building as Dot only managed to pull one pill out of the bag, frantically looking for the other one yet becoming unsuccessful in doing so.

You didn’t know how or when it happened, but Toni was being pulled away from you and flipped onto her back as Shelby forced Toni to swallow the only pill that they had. Your head had been too fuzzy to clearly remember the exact details of what happened, feeling your consciousness become a struggle.

“Hey, y/n, calm down, she’s going to be okay. Just take deep breaths,” you heard a voice from next to you say. You turned to face Dot and you pulled her in, hugging her tightly as you let yourself finally cry over the stressful situation. “It’s okay,” she whispered, “you did so good today, you can relax now.” She added, stroking your bag as you clung to your friend intensely.

You hadn’t even realized you lost consciousness until you were waking up to a dark sky and the sound of your friends talking a few feet away. You sat up slowly, feeling all of the previous events coming back to you, “Toni,” you mumbled, rubbing your eyes as you scanned the group near the fire for Toni’s face.

“Hey, hey, I’m right here.” A voice spoke up and your head snapped towards the voice, your eyes landing on Toni who was sitting a few feet away from you. “I’m okay,” she said before anything else, “but um, thank you- for you know, helping me not choke on my own vomit.” She said, a humorless laugh falling past her lips.

You reached forward and pulled her in for a hug, almost crying again at the fact that she was okay, that you wouldn;t have to bury another body. “Thank God,” you breathed out, resting your chin on her shoulder.

“Don’t get all religious on me,” she teased, earning a small laugh from you. She pulled away from you but stayed close, her eyes scanning you to check on you. “So about what I said earlier,” she said, her hand coming up to touch the back of her neck. “I’m sorry for just like outwardly expressing to everyone that I uh, wanted to kiss you,” she said, her voice low as she looked over to the group of your friends. “I meant it- it was just bad timing.”

You nodded, a smile forming across your lips at her words, “I mean I wanna kiss you too.” You whispered, feeling the nervousness erupt in your stomach. The silence after your confession was deafening, it was like neither of you quite knew how to make a move with all of your friends only ten feet away, but you both wanted something, anything to happen.

Before either of you could do anything else, screams were heard across the beach and the two of you jumped up, running for the other girls to see what had happened. As the two of you approached the group, you realized what happened and your feelings of euphoria from just moments ago came crashing down, Martha had collapsed.

“Holy fuck,” you whispered as everyone ran for the girl, trying to pick her up and make sure that she was okay.

“There might be some more meds out there, maybe even the ones that she needs.” Leah announced, causing you to immediately get up off your feet and look over at her.

“Leah, we’re gonna go find them. Let’s go,” you said, grabbing the girls hand and the flashlight that had been left on the ground before heading towards the woods.

The one time Toni kisses you, she’s certain you’ll kiss her back.

You’re awake way before you want to be up, considering that the sun hasn’t even come up yet. Your mind is telling you to go back to bed but you ignore it and stand up instead, walking to the edge of the water and staring out at the open ocean in front of you. You were truly alone out here and rescue seemed like it would never come. It was a sad feeling to be so cut off from everyone else with no chance to live out the rest of your life, but something about dying here seemed peaceful. So, if this was the way you went out, you would just have to be okay with it.

The waves were barely hitting your feet, even as you sat down at the edge of the water and stared out. You hated the feeling of knowing that the one thing you used to love most in the world had suddenly become the one thing that would keep you from living till an old age. You used to swim around and pretend you were a mermaid and that the corners in the public swimming pool were underwater caves with mysteries far beyond your own imagination.

“Any reason you’re up before the sun?” Toni asked, snapping you out of your thoughts as you turned around to face her. “Before you ask, yes you kinda woke me up but it’s not a big deal so don’t apologize.” She added, sitting down next to you.

You laughed and looked down at the sand beneath you at her comment, “I feel bad, I didn’t mean to wake anyone up. I just- I wanted to watch the sunrise.” You answered her, your thumb running over a shell you had pulled out of the sand.

She moved herself closer to you until your shoulders were touching and you gratefully accepted the body heat that she was giving off, considering the sun hadn’t warmed up the island yet. “Sorry, I didn’t even ask if you wanted to just relax alone before coming over to sit, I should’ve.”

You shook your head side to side in disagreement and leaned in closer to her, “it’s fine, really. I had to get out of my own head anyways, my thoughts weren’t too fun before you came over here.” You answered, not fully wanting to explain the lack of hope you had for the future.

“Yeah, I don’t think any of us have been too positive lately with our outlooks on life and this island in general. Sure it’s great for an escape from real world problems but then again- we’re literally on the verge of death here” She agreed, her hands finding their way into the sand and running it through her fingers, something she tended to do no matter what the situation.

Before she could say anything else, you gasped and pointed at the sky, the sun was just beginning to rise, allowing a small amount of light to fill the scenery in front of you. “The sun is officially awake,” you said, hugging your knees into your body as an attempt to stay warm.

Toni yawned, nodding her head at your words. “Finally, huh? Was my company not good enough for you?” She teased, her shoulder bumping into yours gently as she spoke.

You rolled your eyes playfully at her words, “right cause the sun is such great company and you’re not. But then again, maybe the sun would actually kiss me after telling me that it wants to kiss me.” You said, your words coming out a lot stronger than you had expected, considering you tended to get nervous around girls.

Toni scoffed at your words, feigning hurt as she looked over to you, “are you saying I haven’t lived up to my words? That hurts y/n,” she continued the joke, reaching up and brushing a stray piece of hair from your face, the sun lighting up the softness in her eyes as she stared at you. “But I mean, if you want me to fix that, I can,” she added, her voice barely coming out above a whisper. A slight breeze ran across the island as you nodded, too afraid of your own voice to hold steady while you gave her an answer. “I need you to say it,” she begged, her hand still resting on your face.

“Yes,” you whispered, your eyes flicking down to her lips as you spoke.

A shaky breath left Toni’s mouth as she leaned in towards you, using her hand on your face to pull you closer to her. As soon as the two of you were close enough, her eyes slowly shut as she closed the distance and pressed her lips to yours. You could feel yourself fighting a smile as you kissed her back, your hands sliding up to hold her face in your hands. As cheesy as it sounded, it felt so right to be with her like this and you felt like you could finally let down your guard.

She pulled away first, looking up at you shyly, all of her confidence from before was gone as if she was hoping that you were feeling the same way you did. “That was so worth waiting,” she said quickly, the nerves still evident in her voice but to you, it was adorable.

“Yeah, it really was,” you agreed, grabbing her hand and interlocking your fingers with her, just wanting to feel her touch. You turned to look at the sky for a minute and smiled at all the different colors that were slowly beginning to paint the sky, “I uh feel like this is probably the right time to tell you that I really like you.” You added, a blush once again evident on your cheeks.

There was really nothing to be insecure about, or at least at the beginning of your relationship, you had security. Lately, it felt as if he was different, colder towards you than he had previously been. It wasn’t a sudden change, you could see him pulling away and it hurt you more than anything but you felt powerless in stopping the growing distance he placed between the two of you.

“Rafe,” his name tumbled out of your mouth, trying to get your boyfriend’s attention. You watched him roll his eyes as he put his phone away and shifted his baby-blue eyes to meet your figure. They scanned your appearance and he nodded, no words leaving his mouth before he turned back to his phone. As a result of his actions, you huffed, feeling even worse than before, “go home, Rafe,” the plea came out weaker than you had hoped, but you couldn’t stand to see him at the moment.

The boy’s head snapped back to your direction as a confused expression coated his features. He was clearly trying to figure out what he had done wrong, but to him, he had done nothing wrong. “What? Why would I go home?” He asked, “anyways, I’m your ride home, I can’t go.”

Your eyes welled with even more tears as you tried to convey your frustration to him. He was so clueless to your words and it just made things worse for him. “I’ll be fine, just go and do something less boring to you,” you snapped, your hand pushing his chest away from you but he grabbed your hand lightly and pulled you closer to him.

“I liked the first dress the best, you looked so gorgeous with it on, I think I fell for you even more,” his voice whispered, his eyes scanning your face in hopes that you would soften to his words, but you simply walked back into the dressing room, hoping that he was going to take the hint and just leave.

What you didn’t know was that as soon as Rafe walked outside, he let out a loud groan in frustration, slamming his hand into the side of the building that was unfortunately next to him. He was upset with how unhappy you seemed lately, and even more so hated the fact that it was all his fault.

He was pulling away from you in fear that he would need you one day, clueless to the fact that he already needed you. He was reliant on you, you made him smile on his worst days and gave him many reasons to stay sober, despite his ongoing addiction to drugs.

“You’re beautiful, more than I deserve. So listen close to these one, two, three, four words.”

Rafe was watching you as you and Sarah did your makeup for Midsummers. The two of you got along quite well even with your different personalities, and Rafe loved how you acted towards his family.

You had just laughed a little bit too loudly at one of Sarah’s jokes and Rafe’s eyes lit up behind you. You were completely oblivious to the love in his eyes and anyone onlooking would think he was simply admiring you from afar.

That’s how he liked it. He liked it when you couldn’t see his vulnerability because if he was vulnerable around you then that made him weak. He knew you could break his heart with just a few words and he had sworn to himself he would never let that happen, even if it meant leaving first.

You knew that he was standing in the doorway but you ignored him, still upset at the fight from a few days ago. Your mind was telling you that it wasn’t fair to keep ignoring him, but he was basically ignoring you before that, so you had managed to justify it in your head.

A small buzz from your phone drew your attention away from Sarah’s face so you could inspect the notification. As you picked up the phone, you read the text that now covered your lock-screen that had been a picture of you and Rafe. “You look beautiful” was all the text said but you felt a small smile come to your face at the words. It was obvious that he knew he was in the doghouse with you, but God, you wanted everything to be normal again.

At the sight of your smile, Rafe felt his heart swell, loving the way you smiled when your smile was because of him. Unfortunately for him, it wasn’t him making you smile lately, and that hurt him more than anything. He wanted to change the dynamic currently between the two of you, but he had no idea where to start. It was a losing battle, and he hated losing.

Rafe knew that he didn’t deserve you. He knew that it was him that made you cry at three in the morning and he knew that it was him who was stressing you out beyond belief. He wasn’t dumb, he knew the relationship had grown toxic, however, he couldn’t let go of you, his biggest fear was losing you.

“So please keep loving me because our hearts speak fluently. Wherever I go, whatever I do, the map on my heart leads to you. So baby, please keep loving me.”

A knock on your door in the early hours of the morning wasn’t unusual for you. Rafe was constantly sneaking into your house whenever he wanted you and it tired you out, however, you stuck with him for some unknown reason.

With a groan, you stepped out of bed and walked towards your window, ready to tell Rafe that you weren’t in the mood. However, when your eyes landed on your boyfriend, your heart sank, he was crying. That sight alone made tears brim your eyes, you felt horrible for how things had been between you two lately and how you had been ignoring him.

The window between you two was quickly lifted by your shaky hands before you reached forward and pulled your boyfriend through the window. You studied his smaller form as he stared at the ground, not speaking yet.

With a sigh, you wrapped your arms around his waist, resting your head on his chest and pulling him close to you. You could feel his arms wrap around you and hug you close as a sob racked through his body.

You led the two of you to the edge of your bed so you could sit down. “Rafe, what’s going on?” You whispered, your hand trailing over his cheek to wipe the tears as you sat facing him. The boy in front of you shook his head, his hand gripping your free hand tightly as if he was afraid you’d leave him if he left you alone. Your face scrunched in confusion when your boyfriend mumbled something incoherent. “Hey, I can’t hear you,” your voice pleaded, holding onto his hand just as tightly.

“Please keep loving me,” he mumbled, his voice still barely above a whisper. With those words leaving his mouth, he looked up to meet your eyes, his own expression full of fear and hope just as conflicted as you currently felt.

Those words seemed to be his final plea as if he would be okay with anything else as long as you loved him, and the idea of that broke your heart. You could feel your brain scramble to think of what to say or how to feel, but you felt like nothing could match what he had just begged of you.

You leaned forward and kissed the tears on his cheek lightly, “I’ll always love you, Rafe” you said, your face still inches away from his own. “Even if it’s not good for me, I could never not love you, okay?” You added, wanting to express both your love for him and your frustration with him in the same sentence.

“I can’t lose you,” he said, his voice cracking as another cry fell from his mouth, “I’m so scared that I’m not in control of my life anymore and you’re the only thing that feels okay right now. Everything else has already gone to shit, I don’t know what I would do if I lost you.”

You frowned at his words, knowing that while his feelings were valid, you couldn’t be the only good thing in his life, it would take a toll on you even more so than it already had. “I’ll be here for you always, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy on me.” You paused, knowing the next words would be the hardest words you would ever have to speak, “Rafe, I think we should just be friends for now. It’s been so hard to see you pull away lately and it’s messing me up. I’ll still love you and be with you, but as a friend.”

His eyes scanned your face, trying to read you, but you knew that if you broke down, he would latch onto that and try to keep you around for longer. “Why?” The word fell out of his mouth quickly, trying to make sense of the whole situation, “I can’t be without you,” he added trying to pull you closer to him but you stayed put.

“It’s gonna be so much healthier for the two of us if we’re just friends. And maybe one day, when we’re both more mature, in a better spot in life, we can go back to each other, but right now we need to stop doing this.” You tried to explain, knowing he wasn’t going to like your answer. “But I want you to realize that I’m still here for you and I haven’t stopped loving you, but right now, loving you is hurting me.” With your last words, you felt a few tears run down your face, your innermost feelings finally coming to the surface and you couldn’t tell if they were freeing you or trapping you.

“Your lips on my smile are like bees ‘round a honeycomb. You see through my heart’s misty window and out of all the fingerprints, only yours will stay.”

Your boyfriend stared at you for a few minutes, choosing to stay silent so he wouldn’t hurt you even more with his words. You had just dumped him and his brain was still reeling with the concept. While he stayed silent, he was trying to figure out what this meant for you two and he hoped that you truly meant what you had just said.

You watched him with clear worry in your eyes, not being able to figure out what he was thinking was concerning you beyond belief. “Hey, I need you to say something, I just need to know what you’re thinking,” you said, your hand slightly turning his head up so he would look at you again. You watched as he pressed his cheek closer into your hand and closed his eyes, almost like he was trying to memorize the moment.

He stayed silent for a few more seconds before opening his eyes and looking at you, “can I just get one last kiss?” He asked you, his voice shaky from emotion but his question rang loud and clear.

You nodded at him, watching as a small smile spread over his face before he leaned in. Rafe paused for a second, almost as if preparing himself for the kiss, before connecting your lips lightly. You moved your other hand to cup his face so that both your hands rested on his cheeks as he kissed you. There was so much love filling the kiss that it created a rapid beat to your heart as you felt your boy smile into the kiss. A bittersweet feeling washed over you as you realized that the of you hadn’t kissed like this since the very beginning of your relationship.

You had to use all of your willpower to pull away, feeling your heart shatter into pieces as you opened your eyes to study the boy’s reaction. You took a shaky breath as he opened his eyes, knowing he was probably feeling the same way you currently were. The kiss had made you want to take back everything you had just said but you knew that the breakup was for the best.

Rafe stood up and headed back for your window and turned around, “I still love you,” he said, a small smile on his face as the words came out. To him, those words were more of a promise, they meant that the two of you would get back together. You couldn’t help but hate that there was something familiar about the words as if you’d be hearing them again soon and you couldn’t tell how that made you feel.

You liked it best this way, there were no lights to hurt your sleepy eyes and you had been playing insanely soft music to keep you company. The quiet, although nice for a change, unsettled you because of how used to noise you had become.

It wasn’t John B’s house if there wasn’t chaos in every room. The summer had just started, which meant that the ragers would be soon to come, but it also meant that the dreaded hurricane, Agatha, was coming.

You were currently listening to Frank Ocean as you finished placing the cookie dough onto the tray in front of you. You were too caught up singing along to the music to realize that someone had entered the kitchen and was leaning against the door frame.

As you leaned down to put the cookies into the oven and closed it, you looked to the side and jumped at the sight of a figure standing in the shadows. As soon as you realized who it was, you let out a sigh of relief, yet scowled at the sleepy blonde that had just scared you.

“What are you doing here?” You asked, your tone was sassy despite how quiet you were staying. You stared at his disheveled state and your eyes widened in realization before softening from their earlier glare, “did I wake you?” You asked, your body language mimicking a child who had been caught doing something they shouldn’t have been doing.

JJ moved closer to you and grabbed your hand, your sleepy boyfriend was still struggling to keep his eyes open as he nodded his head side-to-side to signal that you hadn’t woken him. “I needed to pee and when I realized you weren’t in the spare room with me, I came looking for you,” he answered, rubbing his eyes with his knuckles lightly as he tried to wake up, “but it’s late, shouldn’t you be asleep?” He questioned, cocking an eyebrow as he spoke.

You blushed, suddenly realizing that your need for cookies wasn’t as severe as it had seemed twenty minutes ago. You looked to the oven with time still left on the timer before turning back to your boyfriend, “I needed cookies,” you answered sheepishly, blushing at your own words.

JJ simply laughed at your answer and pulled you closer to him by your waist before resting his head on the top of yours. You gratefully accepted the affection and wrapped your arms around him to pull him closer.

His warmth felt amazing despite the warm air that already filled the chateau and the way he was leaning on you felt similar to a weighted blanket, considering the boy in front of you was using you to keep him on his own two feet.

You looked up and kissed the underside of his jaw lightly, smiling as you felt the boy pull you closer to him. He soon moved his head off of yours and pulled away from you slightly, grabbing your hands and placing them on his shoulders. When you reacted to his actions with a confused glance, he shrugged, a tired smile forming across his lips, “dance with me, baby.”

A laugh fell past your lips at his words, but you knew he was being completely serious, so despite your initial surprise, you connected your hands behind his neck and placed your head on the side of his chest, nearly on his shoulder, “to Frank Ocean? Of course.” You answered, following the boy’s lead as he started to sway the two of you back and forth.

“I could dance with you even if there was no music playing,” JJ boasted, almost as if he was bragging about the fact. However, to you, it was simply him being clingy and adorable. He was always like this while tired and it was your favorite thing about JJ. No matter how tough he seemed on the outside, he always had a soft spot for you, which tended to show through when he was tired or drunk, his two clingiest states.

You were nearly asleep on his shoulder and from his slow dancing, you could tell he was just as tired as you. You knew that if you brought it up to the other Pogues, he would make it into a joke or try to downplay it because he was always more of a private person when it came to your relationship, except for when it came to sex jokes.

Before your eyes could fully close, the loud alarm on your phone started to go off and you jumped in his arms, quickly turning to face the oven. You untangled yourself from JJ and ran for the phone, shutting off the alarm and grabbing a towel to assist you in taking the cookies from the oven.

Within seconds of putting the tray down, JJ was reaching for a cookie, which led to you slapping his hand away, “are you crazy?” You whisper-yelled, pointing to the tray, “that just came out of a super hot oven. You’re gonna burn yourself,” you rambled, nearly laughing at the pout forming on the boy’s face.

“Okay, mom.” He teased you, which led to you furrowing your eyebrows and mustering your best glare to the blonde in front of you. When he saw your poor attempt at a glare he couldn’t help but laugh and grab your face with both his hands and kiss you on your forehead, “you’re cute when you’re mad at me.”

“Don’t make it a habit of making me mad.” You answered, reaching for a cookie despite the fact that you had just told JJ to leave them alone for a minute. The pan was still hot and you flinched at the warmth but seeing the playful look of betrayal on your boyfriend’s face was worth it. You watched him as you took a bite of your cookie, and smiled at him innocently like you hadn’t just been annoying him.

JJ gave you a small glare and quickly grabbed his own cookie, shoving the whole thing into his mouth at once, almost as if he was trying to make a point. “These,” he paused, chewing the cookie still, “are really good.” He finished, his words coming out muffled from the food still in his mouth.

A loud laugh fell past your lips before you quickly covered your mouth, not wanting to make enough noise to wake the others. “You’re disgusting,” you commented, pushing at his shoulder lightly as he smiled at you with cookie mush in his mouth.

“You love me so much though,” JJ said, pausing to swallow the cookie remains before giving you a real smile this time, “and you just happen to be stuck with me.” He added, wrapping an arm around your shoulders to emphasize his point.

You looked up at him after finishing the cookie you had eaten and smiled, “I wouldn’t have it any other way.” You answered honestly, “even if you don’t know anything about eating cookies.”

“Well I do know that I like your cookies, in fact, I could eat them for the rest of my life. So, you legally can’t leave me, I’m marrying your cookies.” He joked, grabbing another cookie off of the tray.

“Only if you marry me as well,” you protested, giving your boyfriend one of your no-nonsense looks, trying to hide the wide smile that was starting to take over at the idea of spending the rest of your life with JJ.

“Yeah, you too,” he said, a cheeky grin on his face, “especially because I can’t do this,” he paused, leaning in to kiss you lightly on the lips, “with a cookie.” He finished his sentence as he pulled away from you.

“Yeah, yeah, sure.” You teased, but wrapped your arms around his waist anyway, wanting to be close to him, “let’s go back to bed, J.” You added, using your nickname for him.

“I just had sugar!” He protested, looking at you in mild shock.

“Yeah, but I’m tired.” You fought back with a playful tone, knowing you would win because underneath his protests, he was just as tired, “I love you.” You said suddenly, looking at your boyfriend.

You had said the words a few times before, but you still got nervous as you used those words, knowing that they held a lot of weight, especially in your relationship with JJ.

You grabbed your pillow with a huff and moved down onto the floor, laying on the cold wood for a few minutes before realizing you would never fall asleep there. You weren’t exactly picky about where you slept but for some reason, nothing was working. You smacked the wood next to you in frustration, crawling up onto your knees before standing up and heading for the kitchen.

You grabbed a glass of water and tried to drink it to help you calm down, but you were half asleep and your eyelids were barely open. The whole ordeal was messy and you spilled water down the front of your shirt more than once but in your tired state, you barely even noticed it.

When you finally finished your glass of water, you glanced over at Kiara who was sprawled out completely and you frowned, there was no way you would be able to get back onto the bed with her.

You sat in the kitchen, trying to think of a plan but it wasn’t working, that was, until you heard the soft snores coming from John B’s room. You hadn’t noticed them until that exact moment and the thought of climbing next to him wasn’t exactly a bad one.

Shaking your head, you looked back away from his room, you were best friends with him, but you two had never slept in the same bed. It would be awkward to ask and you were worried that you might accidentally cuddle him.

The more you let the idea play out in your head, the better it seemed. You had always found John B attractive and if the Pogue rules didn’t exist, you would’ve told him how you felt. Not to mention, his bed was definitely comfier than the floor or the corner of your shared mattress.

Finally, you forced yourself to walk towards the slightly opened door and pushed it open, taking note of where John B was laying. He looked so peaceful in his sleep and you felt guilt wash over you at the idea of waking him up.

You moved forwards and crouched down near his chest, so you wouldn’t be right next to his face when he inevitably jolted awake. He was blissfully aware of what was to come and that was something that made you question your choice, but you were about to cry if you didn’t get any sleep.

Raising an arm, you grabbed onto his shoulder lightly and shook it until you felt him jump slightly at the sudden feeling. The boy in front of you opened his eyes quickly, confusion filling them as his eyes landed on you, “what are you doing here?” He asked you, moving his hand to rub his eyes.

A pout formed across your face as you tried to figure out a way to ask him to let you sleep in his bed without sounding childish. A feeling of regret was starting to build up but you pushed it down as you forced some words to come out of your mouth, “I uh, I couldn't sleep. Can I come in here with you?” You asked sheepishly, sending him a small smile with your words.

A shocked expression formed across his face but he quickly nodded, pushing himself towards the other end of the bed and patting the space in front of him for you to lay down. The whole action had your heart racing, especially as you climbed into the bed next to him.

You lay face up at first, not wanting to seem like you were attempting to cuddle him, but he pulled you onto your side so that you could face him and talk for a minute.

“I’m guessing that Kie wasn’t the best person to sleep with, huh?” He teased you, his hand tracing lightly over your arm, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its path. When you nodded ‘no’ as a response, he laughed quietly but when he saw how tired you looked, his smile fell. “You’re really tired,” he paused to pull you into his chest, holding you loosely to him, almost as if he was giving you a way to push away if you wanted it, “get some sleep, y/n, you need it.”

You yawned into his chest, pulling him closer to you as he spoke, thankful that it wasn’t too hot out right now, or else you would hate being so close to someone, the heat would make it horrible. “Thank you,” you whispered, not trusting yourself to speak any louder as you were on the verge of tears from being so tired.

“Can I ask you something?” He asked you softly, looking down at you with a small smile on his face. When you made no attempt to answer, he took it as a yes. “So, you came to my room and woke me up at 4 am, to cuddle?” He asked, a laugh falling past his lips at the question.

“Yes,” you mumbled into his chest, feeling your cheeks heat up at his question. The truth was that while you couldn’t sleep, you could’ve pulled an all-nighter or dealt with it, but you were always looking for an excuse to spend time with John B and this was currently your excuse.

He leaned down and kissed the top of your head, “yeah well, I’m definitely not complaining about that,” he paused, biting his bottom lip as he tried to stop the wide smile that was forming on his rosy-tinted cheeks. “Like I’m serious, feel free to do this anytime or all the time, just yeah, this is nice.” He rambled on, causing you to laugh into his chest at his eagerness to hold you.

You flipped onto your other side so that your back was pressed to his chest and John B took that as an opportunity to pull you closer and wrap his arm around your waist, leaning his chin on your shoulder. You were so ready to pass out, but at the moment your tiredness didn’t matter as you tried to memorize the feeling of having John B cuddling you, not knowing how often it would happen if it happened again at all.

Your eyes had finally started to close as you relaxed into his arms, feeling your heart rate slow and your body rejoicing at the feeling of finally getting some much-needed sleep.

“I really, really like you,” he whispered into your ear, despite not knowing if you were asleep or not.

You heard his words and smiled to yourself, knowing that you would bring it up again to him tomorrow, when your body wasn’t begging for you to go to bed and sleep for the next twenty years.