dreamoutloudz - Alondra Diaz

I have

a poem

that my mind

recites

to sleep

and every morning that I awake.

and although, I don’t like it very much

It is engrained in my mind

and like the best of hard-drives-

it has decided,

it will not be erased.

You are not here anymore.

My mind whispers to me as I fall asleep

and my eyes open the door and turn the key

They have let the thoughts loose.

You are not here anymore

I scramble to chase them

You are not here anymore

The memories continue to pour in

They become a river and I decide to fall in- I let the river take me,

I should have known It would become my enemy.

as It attempts to drown me- and what if I let it.

because

You are not here anymore

The water spits me out it has feed on enough of my tears.

You are not here anymore I continue to search for the lost words-

I run through the abandoned tunnels, they send chills through my arms

They tell me to continue walking but, I ask for one more hug

“He is not here anymore”

words echo in the dark

I shake my head “no”.

I call the air back into my lungs-

My breath mimics the land during an earthquake, as I let it go.

You are not here anymore.

But you were once.

_

Am I so difficult to love?

Why haven’t I found the one.

Is he lost?

Where is he hiding.

Does he want to be alone?

Most times I do too,

to get away from the noise,

at times I’m even scared to find you.

I’m scared I won’t be strong enough to keep you,

Or you won’t be strong enough to stay.

Maybe even, we’ll both be dumb enough to not be able to find our way.

If you are my home

Keep building the walls,

When you reach the roof

The smoke will clear the fog and show me the way.

Or may

Be

Both our roofs will clash someway.....

You would be a beautiful one

a

One that breaks your heart and tells you they love you, then leaves you wondering what you did wrong

You’d be the kind I would read too much into, but really wasn’t that deep.

Then tell you to not cry,

Unless you’re alone and by yourself

So there’s nothing wrong with being vulnerable as long as no one can hear you cry?

Feel your pain inside,

Know there’s hurt falling off a smile like a landslide.

Makes them question

“Where’s the landscape”

The concept confused my mind

They say “there’s nothing wrong with being empathetic, sympathetic” but it’s pathetic when you allow others to see you cry,

When you show you have a side that feels deep, and hurts inside.

They say “the world needs more people like you”

But say your too much

When you always try to be by their side

So which one is it?

Am I supposed to be brave all the time or Hide my human side.

they say “there needs to be more people like you in this world”

But make you close your blinds as they pass by,

The only time they want people like you is when they need to vent n cry,

Need someone by their side.

Feel some love, the kind they’ve been denied.

I miss you

But I can’t be with you

Not right now

Not with my state of my mind

I’m talking too loud-

I miss you but I can’t rely on you to heal me

I want that to be me

I miss you, I wish you could hear me

I love you, but I can’t put this burden on you

Dear God,

Healing is not easy, why do people make it seem like it’s pretty.

It must be beautiful when you make it to the other side, when you reach the gate of “I’m fine” and you don’t have to lie

But, me I’m a mess I’m laying far, I’m on the other side and I don’t like this place. To be honest I wish I could skip this mess. I wish I could be in another dimension, the me that lives so care free. Suffer free but, I’m suffering. I suffered is that what makes me me?

Is it bad to say I don’t care I’d rather be the me who didn’t stuffer anywhere.

I’d rather be the me that feels like she deserves to be up there.

By your side. I don’t understand so many things, my mind is but a grain of sand, while the most brilliant of minds brains is like a pebble.

I'm sorry if i couldn’t show it

if i was too scared, but my intention was never to forfeit

i deposited my feelings in storage and stored them away

Forgive me

It feels like it’s been raining a hundred days do you feel me?

 Rain drops falling down on my face

(on me, down on me mmmmm)

 And if you leave I might not recover, they say love like this isn’t heard by by even the greatest of lovers……please

Heal me.

I been feeling cold, freezing in the sunshine

I can’t seem to hold

a line on my face, breaks my mold

facades are catching up to me

my breathing isn’t controlled, can you heal me?

Can you hear me…..will you please heal me.

I know it’s not my fault, but I can’t seem to forgive myself-

Can you give me some kind of clarity into this all,

I can’t hear the positive thoughts

I don’t know what it is, but it’s eating me

Breaking me, beating me

I’m losing a battle with myself, within myself

And suddenly I turned to stone

Regardless of it all, can you still feel me?

Twenty five thousand questions left unanswered, hanging questions marks in the sky

If this were a comic they would all be above my mind

I’ve been praying for the most of nights, but I still don’t feel you by my side

I know it’s me, I’ve been beat, I’m missing parts of me, complete.

I know your watching me, wish I could hear

I’m living blinded and only partly hearing from one ear

I know it’s not your fault, I know you’re trying to let me know

And I pray above it all, I find my peace

Fallen stone, stories

Please help me find the glory

I’ve been lost as long as I can remember