god hates me!

Your job is to crawl around on all fours through the aisles and scare all the customers

Horny people legally cannot consent. Horniness is a clouded state like inebriation. If you are partway through sex and you realize you might've become horny, it is illegal to continue. If you have ever made someone horny, you are a bad person.

They should invent a glasses that you can lay on your side in bed wearing

When I was a kid watching tv was idiot coded and nerds read books, but now scrolling shortform videos is considered braindead behavior and watching tv means you're some kinda intellectual. You might think this shifting assessment of media's consumers might make readers into absolute super geniuses, but no. Only perverts read now.

Victor Frankenstein after achieving the impossible and building a fucking person from scraps of the dead: Oh god, ew, ew it's ugly! Yucky! Yucky! Gross! Ew! Ew! Yucky! Yucky! Gross! Ew!

when i die please mention that i really loved drinking diet coke

You have to separate the art from the Garfunkel

guy who plays albums on mute, it was never really about sound for him as much as feeling a sense of progression through a series of named durations

your 14 follower blog is silencing queer voices

“besides, I have a sister.” top contender for one liner that makes me so emotional