HIM.

My penis has a bone in it. I need to see a doctor

I don’t even pull the trigger, my bullets are so afraid of me they run away and into the welcoming arms of the opps’ cerebral cortex, fuckbwah

Ate my own cum off my own ass just to fuck with him

My overactive emotions will turn any mood ring into a disco ball

The only person I hate more than everyone else is myself

Call my bitch 9/11 the way she has a W. Bush

She twerked on me so fast it sounded like an electric toothbrush

My dick has the serial number filed off

Rubbed one out on the officer’s gun while he wasn’t looking

There are magnets in my ass

Robbing the vape store so I can afford to buy more cigarettes

You can’t fuck with me, I have eyes on the back of my dick

Cumshot

Crashed the Lamborghini into a wall. Shit.

I’m so fucking stupid it’s not even attractive in a cute way anymore it’s just kinda sad

By the time I was done with that hotel room, the smell of mustard gravy was NEVER leaving that loveseat