for the sake of curiosity

#198. august

text below cut

I want to throw things

like that would get your attention

from five hundred miles away

it’s better than the times when loving hurt

with tearstained pillowcases and sad songs

but only by a margin

this is angry and frightened and stupid

it’s standing in the street and wishing for rain

this is a million daydreams and happy endings

and each one is a lie

it’s eating me up and stealing my voice

so how will you hear me now?

we could talk for hours

and I, at least, would not tire

I would say anything

if it kept your eyes on me

and you would not fault me that

because you, at least, understand

the lies we tell

to keep our worlds spinning

not falling

into an icy sea

and I could say “I don’t”

I could say “not me”

and you, at least, would believe

this is why you are better

even when I don’t believe

because you are better

preferable, infinitely

to standing alone

racing past at 75

a few miles in fewer minutes

counting months

11 since we last met

grasping for memories

not finding a reason

dreaming of the 1 in 18000 chance

that if I stopped right

here

If I once knew how to dance

I don’t know anymore

It’s something like romance

And a song in four-four

But I never could count time

And my feet get all mixed up

And if the song don’t rhyme

Why would you bother standing

…up?

It’s been so many years

Since I had a cause to try

The crowd brings back all my fears

But you take my hand

And when you smile

If I was crying it was not because my feelings were hurt it was not due to any frustration with my inability to get an handle on the various aspects of my own life it was not

anything to do with the weather or the fact that no one remembers second place even though her mother says she’s wonderful so if you want them to know your name you have to be

better and stop crying like a baby it was not out of fear of the dark or the monsters under the bed it was not because this song is beautiful it was not because I am stubborn except

when I need to stand my ground they say I am spineless but I will fight them for things that don’t matter it was not that you didn’t ask anything but I still couldn’t

give it was not

any of that

if I was even crying

ears

a card game

piles of old letters and photographs

a joke about Richard Nixon

her nickname

lemon-scented soap I never used

that time I almost met him

  evidence that they were here