Dorkette Picture Show

another time travel-fix it but this time, after dying in 1x06, niall finds himself sitting in his first class, where joanna is crying and he knows what’s going to happen next. so niall bolts from the chair and finds ruben in the same state he was in the first time. high on acid and feeling distressed enough about his father to open up. this time niall notices the tentativeness in the way ruben reaches for his hands and winds both arms around his waist and the tone of the words coming out. like ruben is trying to keep distance between thought and memory. like he’s trying not to remember the way his father’s hands felt on him. mean. rough. punches. unwanted touches. agonizing thrusts, even when he’d cry and scream and beg for his father to stop. the gentler side of it too, the conflicting tenderness that made him feel lovable. like a good son—but also dirty and ashamed because he would sometimes come, niall knows. and it’s nauseating to think about young ruben going through that. younger than this ruben who niall had thought could never be afraid of anything. but he is, niall knows. scared of his father doing the same to another defenseless child. niall knows he should let ruben tell him on his own, but this ruben is so repressed he doubts it would happen soon. so when ruben tells him how his father might get custody of what must be his half-brother, niall doesn’t say “okay” this time. he says “i know what he did, ruben. how he hurt you. heard our mums talking late one night—last week.” that’s an easy lie, something to soften the shock ruben must be feeling. because if niall has known and not treated him any differently, he might feel less afraid of opening up. but ruben tenses the moment niall says those words and tries to pull away. barely breathing but trying. making this small, wounded noise niall’s never heard before. but niall just tightens his arms around ruben, not letting him go, not letting any distance come between them. because this is his brother as a boy. still a boy. young and dealing with unprocessed trauma niall can’t even fathom. ruben on acid is a bit slower when moving, but niall holds him close and says the hard part out loud. “he touched you, hurt you that way?” ruben shakes his head no, frantic and almost childish. whimpering against niall’s shoulder. digging his nails into niall’s jacket. all niall can think to say is ruben’s name, soft and knowing, because he’s never seen ruben on the verge of a panic attack before but ruben must be. whimpering out a trembling plea—just bambi, choked and small, and he sounds like a child. remembering what he doesn’t want to. what he’s tried to convince himself never happened. ruben gasping out to e fact he’s scared. because he can’t breathe. because maybe he’ll be his father’s only victim—since he’s so unlovable, was never good enough for his father. because he can’t stand the thought of having to be brave enough to not let his father win custody of his half-brother. because that would mean telling someone about the unspeakable abuse. niall knowing is already distressing enough, but he feels a small sense of relief despite the nauseating fear. because niall is still holding him. still here and not making him feel less like a man. still reminding him he’s okay even all he can stammer out is “i’m scared, bambi, i’m scared.”

so today I’m really into the idea of Ruben being very openly bisexual without ever actually labeling himself, because I just can’t picture him putting a name to it. he just… sleeps with whoever he wants I guess. and everyone around him knows it. Lori knows. Gus knows (because they hooked up once). Johanna knows. everyone knows. it’s not some big secret, it’s just a fact.

ep5 where Niall comes to Aberdeen but sees that Ruben’s having an affair with Roy and his world is falling apart because he could’ve had that??? all this time??? it was an option??

Earlier that day, when Niall had learned his brother was coming to the wedding, he’d thought it meant Ruben was finally there to set things straight. Now, though, he wasn’t sure what his intent was anymore.

HALF MAN SPOILERS

I just went through a similar thought process!