You'll be blocked if you read the "keep reading" posts

I hope I die in my sleep tonight of something that can't be decided to be suicide so it'll just be a bizarre accident.

How I feel can't hurt anyone else as long as I don't leave the house or interact with anyone ever.

And while I was at the hospital I was describing the way I focused on other patients over myself as "sin eating" lol lmao I'm so fucking self-centered.

No and I was feeling so fucking "smart" at the hospital because other patients kept telling me I was smart. And the whole time while I never said intelligence wasn't valuable and was just an ableist system. I just said "thank you" because I'm a fucking non-confrontational self-preserving cowardly piece of shit.

I'm never getting out of this.

I so desperately need help but I am so scared of getting hospitalized again.

Jumping off the overpass is not a good idea because it would adversely affect many, many people. Hanging myself is seemingly my only real option at home but I don't want my dad to be the one to find me and ruin his life. He's only just barely getting back on his feet after what the hospital did to my sister. I could tell my dad I'm going to try and take care of my own life, take my bike, and go to the cliff over the beach and jump in. My body almost certainly wouldn't be found for a good long while but that would require me to take my bike all the way there and it would probably be found. I would not want to damage the ecosystem by dropping an electric bike into the ocean with me. The bike has also been reported as mine and has identification attached to it.

I'm going to kill myself this weekend. I'm going to do actual research on the best way to do it, that causes the least amount of inconvenience to other people, with the materials I have available because I don't have a means of leaving the house, and carry it out.

scizophrenia "causing violence" is so fucking rare. it's so rare. it's exceedingly rare. it wasn't my sister's schizophrenia or her just being a bad person that made her do what she did. it was the fucking hospital abusing her and misgendering her and forcibly de-transitioning her and it was my fault for not stopping any of that.

I cannot imagine ever getting "better" without becoming an even more horrible person. I cannot imagine getting "better" without it coming at the expensive of other people. I need to keep isolating myself. I need to keep myself away from other people because I am a fucking toxin.

God I'm such a self-centered piece of shit that real life mass death and trauma reminds me of the shit that happened to me. Comparing real problems to my victim complex trivializes real trauma.

I did everything I was supposed to I turned myself in I didn't fight anything I let them do whatever and I still got re-traumatized so badly I'm worse off now than before I was sent to the hospital it's my fault for having believed I was deserving of help.

Neither of my therapists picked up the phone and I shouldn't have called them in the first place. I am so fucking selfish I just want me me me me me to feel better and I can't just sit with my discomfort

I'm not just worthless I provide negative value to the world.

Shadow never got to try chocolate and it was all my fault.

I need to accept that I am closer to a man than I am to a woman because I am transitioning away from womanhood and that women who hate men have a reason to hate me.