🦋

chris sucked in his bottom lip, his leg shaking even faster.

what was he even supposed to say? how was he supposed explain that his behaviour was nobody’s fault but his own. that he’s been too swallowed up in his guilt and self loathing to be a good friend. that he really is the worst friend in the world.

his mind ran a mile a minute, trying to come up with something to say. in the end, he settled for a simple shake of his head and a small whisper.

‘you didn’t do anything, man.’

‘then why have you been avoiding me?’

‘i– i haven’t,’ he stared down the empty path leading to the parking lot, eyes zeroing in on the cat trotting along the edge of the path, dutifully chasing after what looked like a tiny toad. in a flash the cat disappeared in the darkness, leaving chris to face felix all on his own. he sighed, returning his attention to his friend, albeit still not meeting his eyes. ‘i told you, i’ve been busy.’

felix scoffed. ‘oh yeah? is that why you looked away when you saw me walking towards you?’

‘i di–’

‘don’t lie,’ he cut him off sternly. ‘i know you saw me just now. and i know you would’ve ducked away if i hadn’t ran after you. come on man, tell me what’s going on. did i upset you?’

chris took a deep breath, finally having built up enough courage to look at his friend’s face. immediately, he felt a pit form in his stomach at the look of concern on the younger man’s face. ‘you didn’t do anything. i promise.’

‘then what’s up? you’ve been acting so weird. we were fine a week ago.’

‘it’s nothing.’

felix wasn’t buying it. ‘hey, it’s me. come on. you can talk to me.’

straightening up his back as he inhaled deeply, chris stared up at the starless sky for a few seconds before turning to his increasingly concerned friend. ‘i’m just—' he groaned out of frustration, 'i’m just having some personal issues, okay? just some stuff i’m struggling with. it’s fine.’

‘what kind of stuff?’

chris gave him a look asking “why you won’t let up?”, prompting felix to raise his arms in surrender.

‘listen, i normally wouldn’t force you like this but i feel like your destroying yourself by keeping it all in. bro, i haven’t seen you properly in almost three weeks. even during get togethers you barely say five words to me. that's not like you.’

chris frowned. ‘i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to make you feel that way. it’s just—i just—feel very conflicted and in my head these days.’

‘is… everything okay?’

he shrugged and leaned back, crossing his arms in front of his chest. ‘i don’t know. i just- i don’t know.’

‘what are you conflicted about?’

turning to felix, chris noticed the concern in his eyes and felt his chest tighten. he couldn’t bear brushing him off any longer. it wasn’t right. he clenched his jaw for a moment and shifted in his seat before speaking up, his voice small, and dripping with hesitation.

‘it’s– it’s this woman i know… f-from work. she’s a colleague,’ he lied.

felix leaned in a little, nodding intently.

‘i… i really like her. like… a lot. i think she’s amazing. we’re really close and we get along so well—she just… gets me on every level. but– it can’t ever happen.’ chris looked down at his lap, fingers pinching and twisting the fabric of his hoodie.

felix frowned. ‘why not?’

‘she’s… well,’ chris shifted in his seat once again and cleared his throat. ‘she used to date this guy, who’s also a friend of mine—also from work—a-and i-i don’t know. i guess i feel guilty about it. i don’t want to hurt him. we’re really good friends.’

‘is it joseph?’

‘what? no, it’s not. joseph’s got a boyfr– never mind. you don’t know him.’

the younger man let out a small chuckle. ‘you said “good friend” so i thought i might’ve met him. anyway, that’s besides the point,’ he swatted his hand, ‘how long have they been broken up?’

‘more than a year. or two.’

‘dude what? that’s such a long time. why would it be a big deal?’

‘because she’s still his ex. his ex that he sees pretty regularly.’

‘yeah but–’ felix let out a small sigh. ‘okay maybe i’m being a bit biased. i can understand why you’re worried. i mean i work with y/n and seeing her almost everyday is hard but–’

the moment he heard her name fall from felix’s lips, chris’s mind tuned out the man’s voice completely, his stomach churning. he could feel a lump building up in his throat, his fingers curling into his palm, making the veins near his knuckles pop.

how could he have done this?

how could he betray the man he called his brother?

he was the worst friend ever.

he was the worst person ever.

chris almost jumped when he felt felix’s hand on his shoulder. snapping out of his thoughts, he turned to the man, promptly greeted by his signature warm smile.

‘hey, listen to me. you don’t fall for people often. so maybe… this is something worth pursuing. you said this was a good friend of yours—surely he’d understand. i mean, it’s been years. and it’s not like he’s still in love with her.’

and that’s when chris felt his stomach drop. a sudden nauseating feeling bubbled up in his throat, memories from 3 weeks ago flooding his mind.

.

‘alright, felix. come on, out of the lift. we’re at your floor,’ chris groaned as he struggled to keep a limp-bodied felix upright and walking in somewhat of a straight line..

it was one of those rare occasions where the young man had gone out with his work friends and had a little too much to drink, forcing his friends to call the ever-sober and responsible older brother (chris) to take him home.

felix let out a small giggle as he staggered along, chris tugging on his arm every now and then to avoid the former hitting his waist on the side of the railing or bumping into the wall. fishing his house keys out of his pocket, felix fiddled around with the keychain before dropping them from his nimble fingers, making his friend let out a small sigh as he bent down to pick them up.

‘sorry,’ he giggled as chris stood up, tossing a slightly irritated look his way.

‘that’s fine. i’ve dealt with worse when it comes to your drunk ass.’

the comment made felix giggle even more. ‘that’s true. hey, you wanna know why– i drank so much tonight?’

‘because your life motto is go big or go home?’ chris joked.

‘hah! very funny. but nope!’ his voice increased in pitch for a bit before dropping to a low timbre, ‘it’s because… i think… i’m still in love with y/n.’

chris froze in his tracks, his blood running cold. he could hear felix let out a small “whoa”—the abrupt stop almost making him topple over—followed by his soft, drunken giggles. chris felt his heartbeat pick up and he hoped to god that maybe he heard felix wrong. or that felix was simply joking around.

‘what?’ he asked in a small voice.

‘i said…’ the younger one slurred as he leaned into his friend’s body, ‘i think i still love my ex.’

chris didn’t respond, allowing felix to continue speaking, a dopey smile stretched across his face.

‘i’ve been wondering these past few months. maybe even longer. that’s why… i broke up with erika. i wasn’t sure about my feelings for her,’ he hiccuped, ‘because i kept thinking about y/n. how pretty she is… and how much she makes me smile… how great we used to be together….’

chris swallowed audibly as his friend kept rambling on and on about his memories of his ex. pursing his lips together, he mumbled a small “let’s keep walking”, trying his best to tune out everything felix was saying.

what was meant to be a few minutes walk to felix’s front door felt like it stretched on for eons. and by the end of it, chris felt like he was the one who was drunk, his leg wobbling a little as he took a step forward to unlock the door.

taking shallow breaths, he led a very drunk and lovestruck felix to his bedroom, promptly helping him lie down on the bed before moving to take off his shoes and draping the blanket over his frame.

chris went through his regular routine: tucking felix in, turning on the air conditioning and ambient lights (felix insisted on sleeping in a blue room), filling a glass of water and leaving it by his bedside with an aspirin tablet sitting on top of the cover, and then finally checking up on the hopefully asleep man-child before leaving the apartment.

only this time, when chris returned to the bedroom with water, felix was still wide awake, hooded eyes trained on the ceiling.

‘chris?’ he spoke up, and the man in question hummed. ‘do you think—she’d ever want to try again?’

chris let out a shuddered breath, his neck and jaw starting to ache. ‘i don’t know, felix,’ he whispered, nails busy fiddling with the buttons on AC remote.

‘i know it’s been ages. and things weren’t the best. but maybe now we can make things work.’

‘maybe. now come on, go to sleep,’ said chris as he placed the remote on the bedside table, steps inching towards the door before his name rang out in a tired whisper. he turned around, his sad eyes meeting felix’s tired ones.

‘thanks, mate,’ the blonde man flashed him a soft smile, crinkles forming at the corners of his eyes. ‘you really are like the brother i never had. i love you.’

chris couldn’t help but smile back. ‘love you too,’ he whispered as he turned around and walked out, shutting the door as he blinked away the stinging in his eyes.

that night he left with a broken heart and a sick feeling in his stomach that just never went away. that was the night he realised what a terrible friend he’d been—the night he finally figured out just how much he could hate himself.

.

‘he is,’ chris said in a small voice.

‘what?’

‘he is—still in love with her. he told me.’

‘oh,’ felix straightened up, a small furrow between his brows before his shoulders slumped in sympathy. ‘oh...’

‘yeah… i-i didn’t know before i uh– before i caught feelings for her. b-but yeah… he does,’ he whispered the last two words as he scratched the back of neck, trapping his bottom lip in his teeth.

‘damn… that– that sounds rough. i mean… it’s just– shit. does he wanna pursue her again?’

chris shrugged. ‘he hasn’t said anything about that. just that… he regrets letting her go.’

felix gave a slow, understanding nod. ‘well– okay… does she still have feelings for him?’

chris hesitated for a moment. did she? in that instant, memories of y/n flooded his mind.

the way she smiled every time his eyes caught hers, the way she’d laugh at all his stupid jokes, the little cuddles they shared after ranting about their exhausting days, the small kisses she’d leave on the side of his head whenever he cried into the crook of her neck… and–

chris inhaled the moment he felt his heart sink.

he wanted to say he didn’t know—but he did—he did know. so, he shook his head softly and whispered, ‘no. she doesn’t.‘

‘does she have feelings for you?’

he sputtered, guilt bubbling up in his stomach. ‘i– i don’t know. i guess so. i-i mean she– it feels like there’s something there b-but i can’t say for sure.’

‘hmm…’ felix leaned back, resting his back against the bench as he locked his fingers in front of his torso. ‘i say go for it.’

chris’s eyes blew wide. ‘w-what?’ he asked, turning to look at the blond man with his mouth slightly open. felix turned his head with a soft smile and nodded.

‘yeah. go for it.’

‘b-but…’

‘look, man,’ felix began, sitting up and placing a hand on his friend’s knee. ‘you like this woman. and it sounds like maybe she has a thing for you too. and this guy’s been broken up for two years—that’s a long time,’ he paused for a moment, ‘like– i can empathise because i get it, yknow? it’s hard moving on from someone you loved so deeply. especially if you regret ever leaving them in the first place. but her feelings matter too. besides, he’s your friend—maybe he’ll understand.’

chris let out a shuddered breath from his nose, anxiety travelling down his spine, leaving an uncomfortable chill in its wake. he looked at felix, noticing the earnest expression in his eyes, and it almost made him tear up.

‘i suggest you talk to him about it. be open. see how he feels. you never know, he might be cool with it. especially if his ex doesn’t feel the same way about him. i mean, he can’t change that, now can he?’

chris blinked once. twice. feeling the salty stinging in his sockets making the whites of his eyes turn red. ‘i should… i should talk to him?’ he asked, feeling a little unsure. felix nodded, flashing a reassuring smile. ‘and what if that hurts him?’

now that comment made the younger man chuckle and shake his head. ‘dude what is this? high school? you’re grown ass men. he’ll get over it.’

chris nodded solemnly and took a deep breath, feeling the air fill his lungs and release some of the pain in his chest. ‘w-what if… what if it was y/n?’

‘what if who was y/n?’

‘t-the…’ he swallowed nervously. ‘the woman.’

a loud roar of laughter resounded through the park, making chris look up at the man sitting beside him, a look of pure confusion plastered across his face.

‘please,’ said felix, his laughter dying down to an amused grin. ‘that’s different.’

‘how?’

‘i– well obviously it’s different, chris. you and i aren’t colleagues. you’re like my brother. i can’t even imagine you doing that. like…’ he started chuckling again. ‘falling for the first woman i ever loved? i mean come on, you've known i’ve had a crush on her since we were kids. i know you wouldn’t do that. besides, it’s y/n. i can’t even picture you two like that.’

chris shrunk a little as he looked at his best friend, his brother, brows droopy and apologetic.

‘felix,’ he said plainly, making the man stop chuckling and stare at him with confusion, his smile dropping the moment he noticed that chris was being serious.

a deafening silence permeated the air as the two men stared at each other, the thick haze of discomfort fogging their eyes and suffocating their lungs. for a second neither of them breathed, only the faint sound of crickets and ongoing cars at a small distance filling their ears.

felix didn’t dare move, only deepening the crease between his brows. chris pressed his lips into a line and nodded, and the younger one took a deep breath as he tore his eyes away, inching a little further towards the edge of the bench. he tapped his foot on the ground, his hands balling into fists, his jaw locked in place. and not even a second later, he stood up and began walking away. panic filled chris’s chest as he stood up to go after his friend.

‘felix wait!’

‘for what?’ he spat, stopping in his tracks to turn and look at him, an angry yet pained expression painting his features. he looked betrayed—almost broken—and it made chris take a step back, shrinking into himself.

‘i– i’m sorry.’

the younger man’s frown deepened as he walked closer, standing a small distance away.

‘you’re sorry? chris, that’s the girl i was engaged to!’ he shouted before taking a deep breath to compose himself. ‘we were supposed to get married. she’s the girl i’d been in love with since we were in school.’

chris looked to the ground, unable to meet his eyes. ‘i know i– i didn’t– i didn’t mean to.’

‘oh you didn’t mean to… well that makes it totally okay!’ felix sneered. ‘tell me, how exactly did you end up falling in love with her, huh? i should’ve known there was something going on when you two started hanging out without me.’

‘felix, come on. we’re childhood friends. that wasn’t why–’

‘well you’re also my friend. my best friend. and she was my fiancée,’ his voice almost broke at the word “fiancée”, nostrils flaring as he tried to control his tears. felix took a deep breath and looked anywhere but at chris, his eyes starting to redden.

‘i know. i’m sorry, okay? i– i wish i could make these feelings go away. but i can’t.’

felix rolled his eyes and scoffed. he took a beat to compose himself before stepping closer to chris, his body merely inches away as he leaned closer, his tone pitched down to a low timbre, anger reverberating in his chest. ‘you know what? 7 billion people in the world, and you go after the one girl i’m madly in love with.’

‘i didn’t go after her.’

felix shook his head and raised his hand. ‘i don’t want to hear it,’ he whispered before walking off, leaving a distraught chris in the middle of the pathway, calling out his name before whispering a string of curses under his breath, his tears finally escaping past his waterline as he ran his fingers through his hair.

.

ding… dong…

felix stretched his limbs as he paused the movie he was watching and walked over to the front door. not even bothering to look through the peephole, he swung the door open to reveal his very distressed looking ex.

‘y/n?’ he knit his brows together, a little surprised to see her. it had been ages since she'd turned up at his doorstep without the rest of their friends in tow. without chris right next to her.

‘hey, sorry for dropping by unannounced,’ she breathed out, walking right past him and entering his living room, his eyes following her figure before he moved to shut the door.

‘come in, i guess,’ he mumbled as he walked over to her. ‘what’s up? why are you here?’

‘u-um, well– h-have you seen chris? is he here?’ she asked, a hopeful gleam in her worn eyes.

felix felt his heart drop at the sound of his best friend’s name leaving her lips. no matter how hard he tried to ignore the memory of what happened three days ago, the nagging feeling of hurt and betrayal kept coming back to him. he crossed his arms in front of his chest, a deep crease forming at the centre of his forehead.

‘why would he be here?’

‘because he’s always here?’ she retorted with a hint of confusion, a little put off by his attitude. ‘do you have any idea where he might be?’

felix rolled his eyes. ‘no. why do you care so much anyway? he’s not a small child.’

y/n sighed, eyes narrowing as she stared felix down. really, what was he being such a dick for? ‘he’s missing, felix. what the hell?’

'what?' suddenly, felix felt a lump travelling up his throat—the thought of his best friend potentially being in danger making his anger dissipate. ‘what do you mean he’s missing?’ he asked, arms falling to his sides, anxiety coursing through his body. he was upset, but that didn’t mean he didn’t care.

y/n pressed her lips together and breathed out from her nose. ‘nobody knows where he is. a few hours ago i got a call from one of his friends asking me about how he was doing—he called in sick apparently—but he also hasn’t been answering anyone’s calls or texts the past few days. i got worried that maybe his condition was really bad so i went to his place to check up on him. b-but the security guard said he left yesterday evening and never came home. it’s past noon now a-and i-i’m just worried. it’s not like him to just disappear like this. what if something happened to him?’

as she rambled on at the speed of light, voice cracking here and there, felix noticed her trembling lips and glassy eyes and moved closer.

‘hey hey,’ he whispered in a low voice, grabbing her shoulders and making her sit down on the sofa and proceeding to sit next to her. ‘i’m sure he’s okay. yeah? he’s fine. come on, take a deep breath with me.’

he guided her and she sniffled, following his lead. after three deep breaths, she felt the subtle pain in her chest subside. the moment she’d visibly calmed down, felix got up and poured her a glass of water before sitting on the opposite edge of the sofa.

‘better?’ he asked, body hunched slightly as he tried to lean closer and look into her eyes.

she nodded, wiping a small teardrop threatening to fall down her cheek.

‘he’s fine, okay? i think i know where he is. if he spent the night out, he’s either in the studio, overworking because inspiration struck—or he’s at the gym, boxing his emotions away.’ and felix knew which one it was.

y/n felt her shoulders slump, her stiff body loosening at the sound of reassurance from someone else. she could’ve sworn if she spent another few minutes with her spiralling thoughts, her ribcage would start closing in on her lungs.

‘oh yeah,’ she mumbled to herself before looking up at felix. ‘c-can you call him? just to make sure he’s okay.’

‘what makes you think he’ll pick up my call when he hasn’t picked up yours?’ felix chuckled slightly, but her expression remained the same—sombre. he cleared his throat. ‘besides, he called me earlier in the morning. i’m sure he’s okay.’

‘what did he say?’

‘i didn’t pick up.’

y/n furrowed her brows. ‘what’s going on with both of you?’

‘nothing. it’s nothing, don’t worry about it. what’s going on with you though? don’t hear from him for a few days and you look like you watched someone drop kick a puppy.’

y/n looked away, fidgeting with the rings on her fingers.

‘i-i don’t know. i just got really worried. he’d been so off for the past few weeks and i just started overthinking and spooked myself.’

felix smiled at that, remembering all the times she’d worry herself over small things and ring him up in the middle of the night because his voice calmed her down. she really hadn’t changed one bit. well, besides the fact that she didn't call him anymore when she was worried. or call him at all, really.

‘you worry too much,’ he said, the small smile still settled on his lips, and she sighed.

‘i knowwww. but with good reason! how many time has my worrying saved everyone’s sorry little asses?’

felix chuckled and nodded in agreement, finally eliciting a small smile from his ex’s lips. suddenly the room went quiet, their eyes darting in different directions. they’d never been alone in each other’s presence for a little over three years, so the looming awkwardness in the air only thickened with every second that passed. y/n reached forward to grab her glass of water, and right as she took a sip, felix spoke up.

‘hey can i ask you something?’

‘mhm.’

‘why’d you come here? why didn’t you check the gym first? or his studio? or that hilltop he always drives up to to stare at the sky and zone out? you know about his favourite spots better than i do.’

felix’s question made y/n freeze for a moment before she took another sip of water. ‘oh. i– i didn’t want to come on too strong,’ she murmured sheepishly, eyes trained on her lap.

her response made him laugh. ‘come on too strong? y/n you used to barge into his room when you were kids and jump on his bed until he woke up and gave you attention.’

‘stop before i push you off my bed,’ chris groaned, pulling his comforter over his head.

‘do it. i dare you!’

‘oh yeah? don’t come crying when your leg breaks,’ he swooped at her shins and she dodged him, giggling in glee.

‘missed me!’

laughter bounced off of christopher’s bedroom walls and he let out a dramatic high pitched cry, making her laugh even louder. after a couple more jumps y/n plopped down beside his curled up body.

‘you know if you did break my leg, you’re the one who’s gonna have to walk me around everywhere anyway,’ she grinned, hearing chris groan out of annoyance. he knew she was right. giggling, she tugged the comforter out from under his head, revealing his messy mop of curls, and irritable pout. ‘now wake uppppp~’ she sang, hands moving to tickle at his sides as he scurried out of bed, his high pitched laughter melding with her giggles and the soft chirping of the birds outside the window.

now that was a memory she forgot she had, and it made her let out a fond giggle.

‘i know but—that was back then. things aren’t the same now.’

‘like in general or…?’

‘like…’ she let out a small sigh, unsure if she should talk to felix about whatever went down between her and christopher. she glanced up at him and he raised his brows, encouraging her to go on. ‘like… i’m scared i’ll annoy him or scare him away if i’m too persistent. we haven’t been talking much lately. didn’t want to make it worse by going to different places looking for him and seem like i was obsessed.’

felix chuckled. ‘that’s never stopped you before.’

and he was right, it never did.

there was a time back in high school when chris was upset with her and wouldn’t tell her where he was, so she dropped by every single one of his favourite spots until she found him, his favourite snacks stuffed in her backpack as a little bribe to convince him to forgive her. everyone warned her saying she’d annoy the hell out of him and upset him even more but she didn’t care.

‘he’ll sulk even more if i ignore him,’ she’d say.

y/n inhaled deeply and gave felix a sad smile. ‘yeah but back then he hadn’t straight up rejected me,’ she whispered.

felix felt his eyes almost leave his sockets. ‘what?!’ he exclaimed a little too loudly, leaning closer and tilting his head as if he’d perhaps heard her wrong.

y/n shifted a little in her seat. ‘yeah um…’ she hesitated, chewing on her lips. ‘i um– well– shit, this is so awkward to talk about in front of you,’ she laughed uncomfortably and glanced at him.

felix waved his hand dismissively. ‘seriously. he… rejected you?’ felix asked, a little confused.

she nodded, her lips wobbling a little, the memory from a week ago still a little too raw to the touch.

‘we’re just friends, y/n,’ he’d whispered, eyes not meeting hers for even a second, no matter how much she tried to search for them.

just friends, he said. just friends.

if they were just friends then what was he doing at her apartment? why was he always there? why was he cooking her meals and stroking her face and holding her as she fell asleep? why did he kiss her hands and let her trace the veins on his? why did he get her so used to all of this? how did it mean nothing to him?

y/n chewed on her lip as she willed away the memory of that night and all the hurt it brought. ‘he uh– he said he never saw me that way. i guess maybe i completely misread his signals and…’ she let out a defeated sigh, pressing her lips together as the sheer embarrassment of her misjudgements set in.

it broke felix’s heart to see his ex—no, his friend, look so broken. he couldn’t remember the last time she looked so sad.

‘i’m so stupid. i thought he felt the same way and now i’ve ruined our whole friendship. he says we’re fine but he’s been so distant,’ her voice broke. ‘i thought–’ she took a small breath to stop her tears. ‘maybe i’m just not meant to find love,’ she mumbled to herself.

‘hey… you know that’s not true. i loved you.’

she gave him a small smile and a soft nod. ‘yeah… you were the only one though. y’know sometimes i get kind of jealous.’

‘yeah?’ felix couldn’t help but perk up a little. he knew it was pointless but for a fraction of a second, hope built up in his chest that maybe… just maybe… she felt the way he did.

‘yeah. you had what? three relationships since we broke up? i can’t even get one. i just wish it was easier, y’know?’

his shoulders deflated. mentally shaking away his thoughts, he cleared his throat. ‘is that what you want though? a casual relationship? because that’s what those were.’

she bit her lip and shook her head. ‘guess not. i want love. like… proper love. and a future. i want a life with someone.’

‘yeah? then you'll find love. the right one’s out there,’ he flashed her a small smile, wishing he could say something more. ‘although… for someone who wants love, you sure do try your best to avoid it,’ felix joked in an attempt to lighten the mood. ‘i’ve seen you turn down so many decent, good looking guys who’ve asked you out. some of them were even rich,’ he wiggled his eyebrows and she snickered.

‘yeah but that was because–’

‘because you had feelings for chris…?’ he spoke up, smile dissolving a little. she nodded, her cheeks heating up a little. ‘for how long?’

‘i don’t know. long enough, i suppose.’

‘long enough to be in love?’

y/n looked at him with a hint of surprise and he gave her a fake smile. ‘i’m sorry. i– i know he’s your best friend. and i was your– this is all really messed up, i know. i’m sorry.’ she looked down at her lap, fidgeting with her fingers.

felix clicked his tongue with a shake of his head. ‘it’s okay,’ he whispered. ‘just wished you’d told me though. instead of hiding it.’

‘we never did anything,’ she spoke up abruptly. ‘if that’s—what you’re implying.’

felix let out an amused scoff. ‘yeah? movie nights were just movie nights, yeah? cooking together? going grocery shopping together. you wearing his clothes. attending parties as each other’s plus one,’ he tipped his head back and let out a breathy, pitiful laugh. ‘man come to think of it… it’s stupid of me for not realising sooner.’

‘felix you sound upset,’ she frowned, and he sighed.

‘well yeah. not exactly an easy pill to swallow, hey?’ he took a painful swallow, eyes starting to turn red from the tears he refused to shed. ‘i just… wish i’d noticed it earlier y’know? before…’ he let out a shuddered breath, ‘before i thought we could maybe get another chance.’

‘felix…’

‘no, it’s okay,' he quickly continued. 'i don’t blame you. i just… fuck, i wish i knew before i started… feeling things for you again.’

in that moment, y/n felt as if she fell head first into a quicksand, her senses muffled as guilt bubbling in the pit of her stomach. she always figured felix had moved on. it had been a little over three years since he broke up with her, and he always seemed so happy with the decision. if she was being honest, his comfort was what helped her let him go and move on.

‘i– i don’t know what to say,’ she mumbled, staring at her feet.

‘you don’t have to say anything. i know it’s stupid. i guess i just– didn’t expect to see you almost everyday for the past two years,’ he chuckled. ‘and maybe it just… fuck, i really shouldn’t be saying this to you. it’s so selfish. but i have to.’

‘no it’s okay, you can say it.’

felix breathed in from his nose, pressing his lips together firmly to push down the sob making its way up his throat. ‘i just… don’t think i ever stopped loving you,’ he said, his voice breaking, the tears collecting in his waterline making his vision blurry.

y/n couldn’t help but tear up. of all the conversations, this was one she could have never anticipated. after all, felix was the one who said their relationship wasn’t moving forward—that his feelings weren’t growing any further than what he felt in high school.

‘…i didn’t either. i mean– you were my first love. not exactly something you get over that easily,’ she said with a small smile. ‘but… it’s not the same love it used to be. it’s more of… a friendship kind of love now.’

he nodded. ‘i know,’ he whispered with a single blink of his eyes, teardrops falling on the back of his locked fingers.

‘felix i– i’m so sorry. i shouldn’t have– i shouldn’t have come here and said all these things. i didn’t know you felt this way.’

‘no, no,’ he sniffled and wiped his tears with a small chuckle. ‘no. it’s good that you did. i needed to hear that. i needed to know that door was closed.’ he swiped his fingers against the corners of his eyes once more and cleared his throat. ‘i uh… i always thought that—maybe someday—after we’d grown enough separately, that we would y’know… be together again. but maybe we were just stops in each other's journey—not... the destination.’

‘felix, i’m so sorry. i wish i could make things better.’

‘no it’s okay. don’t– don’t feel bad. i’m not mad. not anymore at least.’

silence loomed in the air for a moment as both of them sat deep in thought, thinking about everything, yet nothing all at once.

‘hey… thank you,’ she broke the silence and he turned to look at her. ‘for um… for being honest. i appreciate it. and i don’t want to tell you how to feel because however you’re feeling is valid. but– felix, we broke up for a reason. we weren’t good for each other anymore. part of me thinks maybe we were never good for each other at all. not past high school at least.’

felix cracked a pained smile. that broke his heart; but part of him agreed. they hadn’t had the healthiest relationship once they went to college. it started off good but they were young and made mistakes and it ended up a toxic mess. the only reason they ever got engaged after graduation was because he figured that’s what was expected of him. that maybe that would make things better. but the engagement barely lasted three months before he realised he’d had enough. and so did y/n.

‘so…’ y/n spoke up once more. ‘i’m glad you told me and we could clear this up. because i wouldn’t want you to hold on hope for something that is clearly bad for both of us. you deserve someone who understand you better than i ever did.’

‘yeah… i guess,’ he whispered. she was right. but in that moment… his heart didn’t care about rationality. all it did was ache. after a brief pause, he spoke up. ‘can i ask you something?’

she nodded.

‘did you– did you have feelings for him—when you were with me?’

‘what?’ she recoiled back in shock. ‘no. of course not. how can you even ask something like that?’

‘i’m not accusing you, y/n. i just wanna know.’

‘no. i didn’t. he was our friend. the guy we grew up with. he was always… my best friend,’ she couldn’t help but smile at the thought of him. ‘i never meant to fall in love with him. i’m not even sure when the lines blurred and he became something more. i didn’t even notice—not that it matters anyway.’

‘i wouldn’t be so quick to say that,’ felix mumbled with a genuine smile.

‘what?’

‘just that… maybe you’re not the reason he rejected you.’

y/n’s mouth fell open, her lips moving but no words came out. she wanted to ask if felix was the reason chris turned her down but decided against it, not wanting to build false hope. either way, he’d still rejected her. and knowing how stubborn he is, he wasn’t going to budge.

‘shut your mouth before a fly invites itself in,’ felix joked, chuckling a little, snapping y/n out of her thoughts. her heart felt a little lighter at the sight of his freckled cheeks lifted up, the dimples at the corners of his lips and the crinkles at the edge of his eyes revealing themselves. she chuckled along for a moment before freezing to simply look into his eyes, offering him a reassuring smile.

felix felt himself blush a little. clearing his throat, he moved to stand up. ‘i uh… i’ll go check on chris. and i’ll let you know how he’s doing.’

y/n nodded, taking that as her cue to leave. she stood up and made her way to the front door, swinging it open. before she could step outside however, she turned back, studying his face intently.

‘you okay?’ she asked, still feeling a little guilty for making him cry. they weren’t as close anymore but he was still her friend. her friend she cared for deeply.

‘yeah,’ felix smiled brightly. ‘surprisingly… i’m okay. feels like this big weight lifted off my chest. maybe i should’ve done that a long time ago. you and i always felt like a question mark. now i feel like there’s an answer.’

y/n nodded in understanding. ‘i’m glad. i’ll see you soon? it’s game night next week at jisung’s place.’

‘uhmmm… maybe a little later than soon. i still need some time. but definitely within the month,’ he laughed, prompting her to chuckle along.

‘okay. well. i’ll see you soon enough. take care of yourself.’

‘you too,’ felix smiled as she walked off. he took a deep breath and shut the door, wiping off a single tear that feel down his cheek. he wasn’t going to lie and say it didn’t hurt. but he wasn’t lying when he said he was okay. he truly was. much better than before. he loved her but he knew he had to let her go. for his own sake, he had to let her go.

.

chris let out a ragged breath right before his glove-clad fist struck the punching bag. quick, rhythmic smacks of leather on leather bounced off the walls of the gym, mixing with the heavy grunts leaving his lips, the sweat and frustration dripping off his forehead leaving his face tinged in a red hue. he tried to keep a calm mind, but to no avail, memories of the past few weeks passing through his head, making his already racing heartbeat quicken, and his throat tighten.

as his thoughts spiralled once more, his punches got even more intense, landing hook after hook in the exact same spot, his head spinning as he hit harder and harder.

‘you know if that was a person, they’d be dead by now?’ a voice echoed through the private gym room, startling him.

‘felix?’ chris breathed out, brows furrowed in surprise, his chest rising and falling.

‘hey,’ the younger man smiled.

‘what are you doing here?’ chris asked, still a little out of breath, his curls messy and drenched with sweat.

‘the question is… what are you doing here? have you been here all night?’

chris shook his head. ‘took a drive down to the lake. sat there till morning. then went for a walk. now i’m here.’

‘so you’re just roaming around like a nomad while someone’s sitting at home worried sick about you?’ felix crossed his arms and leaned against the wall.

‘what?’

‘y/n came over to my place—looking for you.’

chris felt his shoulders drop. ‘oh.’

‘she was really worried. where’s your phone?’

‘it’s in my bag. i think the battery’s dead.’

felix let out an exasperated sigh. ‘you know you can’t always lock yourself up like this when you’re stressed, right? did you even eat?’

he looked away and shook his head slightly, grabbing a towel from the bench to wipe at his neck, forehead and chest. ‘i’ll eat later.’

‘sure you will,’ felix rolled his eyes playfully, a knowing chuckle leaving his lips.

chris turned to look at him, a confused look on his face. why on earth was he behaving like everything was okay? didn’t he tell him to “fuck off” just two days ago?

as if the man heard his thoughts, he looked down at his feet with a small sigh. ‘listen,’ he started, lifting his gaze to meet his best friend’s, ‘i’m… i’m sorry. for lashing out and ignoring you. and… calling you a shit friend. well, not to your face but– anyway. i’m sorry.’

chris shook his head, a frown etched across his face. he took a few steps forward towards the man he’d wronged. ‘felix, i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to fall in love with y/n. i don’t know when it happened. i don’t even know how it happened. it just– it just did. one moment she was my friend and the next– i wish i could take it all back—but i can’t. i’ll try my best to get over my feelings. it’ll take me some time but i’ll try,’ he promised with conviction. but all felix could do was flash him a pained smile.

‘you think if it was that easy to get over someone you love, i would’ve done it by now?’ chris didn’t know what to say, so he simply pressed his lips together and looked away. ‘don’t hurt yourself like this. not because of me. i’ll be okay.’

‘i can’t hurt you either,’ he said in a hushed tone, eyes trained on the cemented floor.

‘yeah but you’re not just hurting yourself, are you? you’re hurting her too.’

now that made chris snap his head to look at felix, a giant ball of nervous energy festering about in his stomach. and all the blond did was nod.

‘she told me—about her feelings. for you.’

chris chewed on his bottom lip, his throat tightening, a pinpricking sting blooming at the center of his chest. ‘i’m sorry,’ he said in a small voice. ‘we agreed to just be friends so–’

he got cut off by a punch to his shoulder. ‘what’s wrong with you?’ felix asked his very shocked and confused friend. ‘why would you reject a girl you’re in love with because of me?’

‘because– because you’re… you. you’re my best friend. my brother. i couldn’t do that to you. ever.’

‘oh my god,’ felix let out an incredulous laugh, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. ‘our relationship ended more than three years ago, man!’ he turned to look at chris. ‘and yeah maybe i haven’t fully moved on but it’s not like i’ve been sitting around waiting for her. look, i thought you just liked her and wanted to pursue her. i didn’t know you two were in love with each other. why wouldn’t you just say that?’

‘i– i didn’t want to…’

‘hurt me? dude. for god’s sak– like i said, grown ass men. i’ll get over it. she doesn’t love me. she loves you,’ he tapped at chris’s chest. ‘and you love her.‘

‘b-but–’ he protested, unable to process what was happening.

‘no buts. you love her. she loves you. and you’re both my friends and i want yous to be happy. understand?’

chris nodded quickly, though his mind was still fogged over. perhaps he was dreaming. though never in his wildest dreams did he expect this conversation to take such a turn. he almost felt tempted to pinch himself.

‘good. go tell her.’

‘what?!’

‘yeah! go tell her how you feel.’

‘w-wait b-but–’

‘what did i say? no buts. you know how hard it is for y/n to outright confess her feelings? she doesn’t just do that. it means she really loves you. you make her happy. and she makes you happy. so go... and get your girl.’

‘felix,’ chris teared up and felix pulled him in for a hug.

‘i know, man. i know. it’s okay. really. it’ll take me time but i’ll be okay. i want this for both of you. please don’t worry about me.’

when they pulled away, chris grinned brightly despite the glassy eyes—one felix returned, wiping the beginnings of a tear from the corner of his eye. the older man let out a small chuckle, his tense muscles loosening a little.

‘thank you,’ he whispered, his throat burning as he tried to push his sobs down. felix shook his head and rubbed his bare, and very sweaty shoulders.

‘got nothing to thank me for. but you’re welcome. now go. right now. don’t make her wait any longer.’ chris nodded and moved to grab his bag when felix stopped him. ‘maybe take a shower first.’

‘good call.’

.

within 20 minutes chris was at y/n’s doorstep, chest heaving, curls still wet and weighed down from the shower. he’d ran up 20 flights of stairs to get to her apartment, feeling a little too impatient to wait for the lift to arrive. he rang the doorbell, resting his palm on the doorframe as he tried his best to catch his breath before she opened the door (he didn’t).

y/n swung the door open almost immediately, a surprised look on her face. ‘chris?’

‘hi,’ he breathed out, his lungs still burning a little.

for a moment, time stood still as he stared into her eyes, relief washing over him. she was right there, just as she was the night he’d turned her away. he had stood at the exact same spot, on her doorstep, and mumbled a quick “i’m sorry” as she brushed it off, pretending to be okay. but he could tell she was hurt. he could tell he broke her heart.

it felt weird seeing her look right at him when she refused to look at his face the last time he saw her. and suddenly, the relief he felt was gone, guilt taking over.

he’d practiced this whole elaborate speech in the car. there was so much he wanted to say—he wanted to tell her just how much he loved her, just how sorry he was, just how much he hated himself for hurting her, just how much he was hurt because of it all, and more than anything he wanted to promise her that he'd love and cherish her for as long as she'd let him because she was the best thing that'd ever happened to him—but looking at her now… every single word disappeared from his mind and all he could do was stare.

that is, until y/n’s fist landed on his bicep with all the strength she could muster.

‘where were you?’

‘ow!’ he rubbed his bare bicep. ‘i’m sorry. i was at the gym.’

‘since last night?!’ he could sense she was about to explode, and his hands immediately shook about in denial.

‘no no no. just the morning.’

‘chris that’s still terrible. it’s almost evening now,’ her disappointed frown only deepened. ‘and– why are you dripping wet? it’s 10 degrees outside, are you insane?’

chris was about to explain how he’d ran straight from the gym and had the heater on in his car but right as his lips parted, the woman ushered him into her apartment, shutting the door behind him, nagging him every step of the way.

‘i swear– i can’t believe you. you know you get colds easily, why would you walk around with wet hair during winter? look at your face. it’s all red too,’ she rambled on as she led him to her bedroom, and all he could really do was comply, a small smile making its way onto his face.

she made him sit in front of her vanity and took a towel to gently press on his locks, followed by a quick session with the hair dryer.

‘you’re lucky i’ve got a diffuser,’ she murmured as she gently ran her fingers through his locks, making him let out a small chuckle.

ah… he loved her so much.

it was a quick fix, his hair poofy, untamed, and still a little damp, but he didn’t mind. he was going to shower again and shampoo his hair later anyway.

once she was done solving his hair crisis, y/n tossed him a hoodie from her closet (one he’d left behind for her to wear because she once said it was her favourite) because “a muscle tee is not enough to keep you warm, christopher”.

he giggled and shook his head when she said that with the sternest expression she could muster. putting his hands up in surrender, he nodded fondly at her before she left for the kitchen.

dressed up all warm and cozy in his hoodie and shorts, chris stepped out of the bedroom, immediately greeted by the sweet scent of cinnamon in the air. he made his way over to the living room and plopped next to y/n on the sofa.

‘happy now?’ he asked, gesturing at the hoodie.

‘very. also, i made ginger tea and i’ve got some pastries in the oven.’

‘pastries?’ his eyes lit up.

‘you’re not getting any until you drink the tea.’

chris pouted for a second but relented the moment she handed him the warm cup of tea. if he was being honest, he was feeling a little cold and the warmth of the ceramic against his icy hands shot a chill down his spine in the best way possible. he smiled at her and took a sip, prompting her to smile back triumphantly.

closing his eyes, he let the warm liquid warm his insides and ease the soreness in his throat from all the sobs he'd swallowed throughout the day. and just like that, he was reminded of why he was sitting in y/n’s apartment in the first place, and what had transpired over the past few weeks.

chris felt his shoulders droop a little, nerves taking over every inch of his body, his mind starting to wander.

why was he sitting here after all he’d done?

why was she being so nice to him?

did he even deserve any of this kindness after all the hurt he’d caused?

did he deserve to be happy? why should he be happy when his best friend is probably sitting at home, heartbroken? he said it was okay but was it really? is it really okay for him to be here? is it too late? would y/n even want him now?

chris tapped his fingers against the cup, his body feeling more and more restless by the second. he felt like wanting to run. wanting to hide. wanting to somehow have the ground open up and swallow him whole.

his heartbeat picked up, his limbs aching under the weight of all the thoughts he’d been carrying. a few more seconds and he felt like he might just collapse.

and that’s when he felt it: a warm hand resting on his thigh, a soft voice calling out his name. he blinked and turned his head to look at the woman calling out for him, a concerned look on her face.

‘hey, what’s wrong? are you okay?’

that question was all it took for the dams holding his emotions in place to break. his eyes rimmed red, tears building up and threatening to fall down his cheeks, he tried to speak but couldn’t seem to make his lips move aside from a small tremble.

his gaze zeroed in on her face, scanning every little feature. every curve, every edge, every line, every crevice.

this person was real… she was real and she was sitting right in front of him and she was worried about him—when really she should be upset with him and his behaviour. he knew how hard it was for her to open up to him about her feelings, and he turned her down and left, barely answering her texts and calls after. how did she have it in her to be so gentle with him after all that?

gosh, he thought he couldn’t love a person more but here he was… falling deeper and deeper over the course of a few minutes.

he took the hand resting on his thigh between both of his, and stared into her eyes for a moment, the corners of his lips pulling down before he took a small breath. ‘i love you,’ he whispered, a broken whisper, one barely audible but he knew she heard him, because her eyes glossed over too.

she moved a little closer, pulling her hand out of his, bringing it up to his cheek to wipe at the stray tear that’d made its way down to his jaw. she smiled, a wide, but tentative smile, and whispered back, ‘i love you too.’

and that was when he resolve broke, sobs racking his body, all the emotions he’d been burying over the past few weeks finally crashing on him. she pulled him closer to her, encasing his fragile body in her warmth, rubbing soothing circles on his back as he sobbed harder into the crook of her neck.

‘i’m sorry. i’m so so sorry,’ he choked out.

she let out a small ‘it’s okay,’ her hand cradling the back of his head, pressing small kisses against his locks. ‘everything is okay, sweetheart.’

chris wasn’t sure how long he sat there and cried in her arms, but only by the end of it did he truly feel the pressure on his chest disappear. after his sobs turned to sniffles, he pulled away and she took his face in her hands, her thumbs running along the expanse of his cheeks, catching the streams of tears and pushing them away. she let out a small chuckle and reached over to the coffee table to grab a few tissues and dabbed at his skin.

‘feeling better?’ she asked, and he nodded, his throat feeling a little raw. ‘good,’ she smiled, pushing his hair out of his face.

‘i…’ he croaked out before clearing his throat, ‘i’m sorry i hurt you, y/n. i didn’t– i didn’t mean to. i was– felix told me how he felt and i– i didn’t know how to–‘ he wished he had the words to explain how he felt. how much he’d fought with himself.

‘i know,’ she whispered, her thumb caressing his cheek. ‘i talked to him.’

chris nodded. ‘i know you did but– i just– i’m so sorry i was mean to you,’

she let out a small chuckle. ‘chris you weren’t mean to me. you told me you saw me as a friend and hoped we could stay that way. what part of that was mean?’

‘because it was a lie. and i knew it hurt you,’ his mumbled, his gaze tearing away, but her fingers on his face coaxed his eyes to turn back to hers.

‘it’s okay. i get it. felix is your best friend. it's not easy to just... go ahead and tell his ex you have feelings for her. not even if that ex was your friend first. and if you don’t feel comfortable being with me because i used to date him, i’ll understand. i’ve known you long enough to know you mean well, yeah?’

‘no i– i-i… i don’t… want to… not be with you.’

his brain cringed at his choice of words but he couldn’t care. his tongue darted out to wet his lips and he swallowed audibly before continuing.

‘i love you, y/n. and i want to love you. i want to be with you. i can’t pretend to just want to be your friend any longer.’

‘yeah?’ she smiled, and he nodded enthusiastically, making her laugh.

chris laughed along for a beat before his smile dropped again. reaching up, he grabbed her wrists, cradling them in his palms. ‘i’m sorry for not responding to your calls or texts these past few days. i was a mess and i know that’s no excuse but– my head really was too scrambled up.’

‘it’s okay. i understand.’

he brought her right hand up to his lips and pressed a kiss against her wrist. ‘it won’t happen again.’

‘it better not,’ she chuckled and pinched his cheek, eliciting a breathy laugh from his lips, his puffy eyes turning into small crescents, dimples forming at the corners of his lips.

for a moment the two of them just looked at each other and smiled, basking in the other’s presence. then, as if a switch flipped, their smiles morphed into dazed expressions, eyes flickering down to each other’s lips. chris felt tempted to lean closer but didn’t dare move. for some reason, he still felt scared.

and perhaps y/n sensed his hesitation as she moved a little closer, her lips merely inches away from his, and glanced up into his eyes as if asking for permission. he could feel her warm breath fan over his lips and let out a small, shaky breath of his own. moving closer, he closed the gap between them, allowing his desires to take over, shutting off his brain and all the anxiety that came with it.

he’d always wondered what it would be like to kiss her. to feel her so close. and no matter how many times he’d dreamt of this moment, nothing could have prepared him from the overwhelming flow of emotion in his chest. his hands moved on their own accord—one snaking right above her waist, while the other trailed up her back to cradle her head as he pressed his lips a little harder against her.

she pulled away to take a breath, just for a moment, before he pulled her back in. she smiled into the kiss, and so did he, her hands moved to his chest, head tilting slightly to deepen the kiss.

they stayed like that for a while, lips moving in tandem before y/n abruptly broke the kiss.

‘hold on, hold on, hold on,’ she mumbled as she pushed at his shoulders.

‘why,’ he whined, making her let out a little giggle.

‘the pastries, idiot. they’re gonna burn. i have to go turn off the oven.’

‘let them burn,’ he murmured, moving to chase her lips as she tried to stand up, and she laughed even harder, smacking his arm lightly.

‘hey i worked hard on them! it’ll just be a few minutes.’

.

true to her words, it really did just take her a few minutes. but in those few minutes, chris had leaned back against the cushions, his eyes starting to get droopy. he tossed her a tired smile when she plopped next to him and she chuckled.

‘you look exhausted.’

‘hm? no i’m fine,’ he whispered, moving forward to peck the corner of her lips.

‘no… you’re not,’ she pushed him back and tapped the tip of his nose before standing up and moving to the edge of the sofa. patting her lap, she urged him to rest his head on top.

chris obliged immediately, his legs curling up on the sofa as he felt his aching muscles slowly relax. he could feel her running her fingers through his hair and as if it was magic, his eyes could barely stay open. for the first time in a long time, he truly felt at ease.

his breathing steadied as the dull ache in his head lulled him to sleep. and right before he drifted off, he felt a soft kiss on his temple, and an even softer whisper.

‘i love you sweetheart. i’m so grateful you’re a part of my life.’

chris was too tired to respond, so he simply hummed and nuzzled into her lap, hoping she’d understand that he was grateful too, and that she truly was the best thing that had ever happened to him. he loved her now, he loved her then, and he'd love her always.