The Sleepy Ramblings of DommesticPet

Content warning/guarantee: body issues? Someone took some photos of me this week that actually made me feel like I didn't look off, which is a rarity.

I assume everyone walking the planet has some version of "I don't like how I look." Maybe it's the mirror, maybe it's how others look or act, i certainly do feel a little weird about how on a Southwest flight when I have a pretty good seat in a decent row with empty seats next to me, and "the plane is full, just take a seat" message comes on, people just keep walking past me and it's usually last to fill. (Not the worst thing, but you can't help but take that sort of thing personally, nor when a co-worker sends you a picture of some weird lookin' person hunched over looking at a screen at a con and says "this looks just like you" and you look at it and go "Oh dear God it does look just like me." )

There are not a lot of pictures of me out there, in this or my other identities, and this is a big reason why. I don't like people commenting on how I look, because it's never particularly pleasant.* It's rarely "Hey you look nice today," it's usually "You look just like this dorky person" and I don't know what you're supposed to say to that other than an annoyed "Thank you?" with your best hate stare and move on.

I usually say "no" if someone asks to take a picture because you can see how people see you immediately and it's rarely flattering. But when it is, it's memorable. A few months ago it dawned on me that there was one time like 20 years ago someone shot some video of me doing my thing when we were still in school, and did not make me feel stupid. I'm sure I looked goofy and acted goofy, but at least it seemed accurate to what I was out doing in the pictures. I recently sent a note to the person indicating "Hey, I came to this realization, thank you for not making me look or feel like a chump." You'd be surprised how many people have taken a picture at a thing, and I look stupid in it, and then they come up to show me and say "LOL" and I awkwardly have to say "So maybe don't post that?"

After seeing years of school photos, yearbook pictures, candids, and so on, it's nice to go from "clearly I must have something that makes me look bad on camera" to "Oh apparently a few people 'get it' and I don't feel stupid." This isn't the normal course of events, but it's nice to know I don't hate all photos of me.

I had another extremely rare run-in with someone this past week who asked if I wanted a picture and I was torn between "yes" (because I like this person) and "no" (because of history of not liking how photos and video turn out.) Long story longer, the pictures turned out great this week and I don't feel like it made me look stupid. I'd go out of my way and say it looks like they actually didn't show things I felt looked bad, too, which I guess is why photographers in kink communities are such a highly valued thing. It's a pretty vulnerable place to be, so making sure someone doesn't look or feel like an idiot is tough to do and photographers that can pull it off deserve a medal.

I've got to be up for a flight in very little time, but I'm writing this anyway. On Sunday @dommestic and I got to try out the last arrival from Kink Advent - it came from overseas, and I think it's called a Head Harness Bit Gag. We may need to make a modification to it to fit better, but I can say it modifies one's headspace. I've never used one before, or thought about using one, or knew what it was called until I looked it up just now. There are other attachments on it that all seem optional: blinkers, to keep you looking forward, a bit on which to champ, and I think I heard mention of connection points for a leash or reins or something.

I definitely felt out of my head - I haven't experienced any sort of gag or bit before, and I admit the idea of having it in my teeth makes me worry I'm going to damage it. Maybe they include a spare. It did feel nice - it makes sense that a physical restraint specifically for the head could do a lot to make you feel wildly different without hypnosis or anything else, and it's fun to make discoveries about kinky things that can be new and exciting that I never happened to think about before. She seemed to enjoy me in it, and I certainly felt good as this sort of thing sets expectations. Even if I want to say something, it's not particularly easy to articulate it.

She made mention of using it to focus me specifically on her so I wouldn't be able to look away - which feels amazing to hear - and I hope we get to do more with it later. But sadly, it won't be for a while as I'm needing to go through security in fairly short order for what has gone from a fairly short trip to what is sounding like a damp trip across the country.

I already miss Echo. I'm not particularly looking forward to the main reason for the trip, but there should be some fun parts from the work part that I probably can't write about. I'll also probably be looking into some things from this world, which I don't know that I will write about, but one thing I can say is I have a ridiculously large list of podcasts to get through and I think I may be traveling so much on Monday that I'll get through them.

Last December, @dommestic measured my skull for an unknown-to-me present. I assume it was a hood. I joked it was a muzzle. And the answer is... it's neither of those!

It came in the mail last week before we went out of town, and today she showed me what we got. I admit pony play things were not on my radar. It's got a bit (to champ at), blinders (so I can't see to the sides), some sort of reins. There's a lot going on here, but I haven't had a chance to put it on as of yet. I'm interested in seeing how those blinders work. Or... not seeing. (You know what I mean.)

She seems to have a lot of ideas for it, and I'm scratching my head a bit as to what this will become.

And that's a wrap? About a month ago I was surprised by @dommestic with a Tumblr post that resulted in a series of gifts and kinky adventures, which is probably the most thoughtful set of experiences I've ever had thrust upon me. (Thrust.) I got some new toys - some we've tried, some we have not - along with a trip to the local dungeon, a lot of time in bed, and a lot of time out of bed. We've still got a lot of things left to explore or try, and we started the new year off with a bang.

One of the gifts she gave me was a magnetic white board for the fridge, which she is currently using to track orgasms in the house. Initially it was split down the middle with two marks on her side, and one on mine, because that's how the bang went. To anyone who sees it, it's just marks - so I said "We should call it an Org Chart" and she wrote that on the bottom. The three marks were the result of me finding a hood on my pillow when I came back to the bedroom after getting some water, and her talking me down and up and down and probably sideways. I have been instructed if I have fun alone, it has to be added to the chart and I have to make things up to her.

We had more communication. We don't touch base to talk about kinky or sexy things every day - we did in December, because either she had a plan to implement, or because one of us had to say "hey maybe tomorrow" a couple of times near the end. We've been together for a fair amount of time and so far we've been kept very busy by other aspects of life, sometimes to the detriment of this sphere. Kink engagement feels a lot better, although I assume the realities of not-the-holidays are about to take over one or both of our days most weeks.

More stuff is on the way. I was measured for at least one item that's yet to come. She's working on a recording to go with the sleep mask with speakers on it. Other things were alluded to and for all I know, are hidden away or en route or are on a wishlist somewhere. (Send her recommendations?)

Learning is good. We're skimming the local dungeon to see what else is coming up to see as a class... but we're not scheduled for any cons. We do have a book to finish discussing, though.

The hood is weirdly comforting. I was not someone who brought in a proclivity for hoods - she wanted to try it - and I have to say I wonder what it might be like to sleep in one. Maybe it'd drive me nuts. Have you tried it? We used it during various sessions/scenes/etc. a lot.

Unfinished Business. I believe she had a poll and I remember talk of a footstool thing earlier but I was very much focused on other things at the time. I think. I'm a little fuzzy on most of the details of Monday morning.

I am not exactly sure how the scoring system on that Org Chart is going to go. If I did, though, I would point to it as some sort of foreshadowing. Will the interwebs throw things at me I can't ignore? Will I just hold out and not need to do anything to make marks? Will the weather be nice today? Did Echo pack her leftovers for lunch? Stay tuned!

The grand finale... did not happen! Today's hint "Check out my rack" took me to the clothes drying rack, and the hint was "Super Nova." Due to various noisy factors (including some going on for hours now), we did not get to do any hypno kink stuff - we were tired and loud booms don't get drowned out very well. With all the fireworks the air looks terrible and it feels kind of unpleasant to breathe it in.