Every Cirque Du Freak Character Ranked By Their Likelihood of Having An Affair With My Wife
Hello everyone. I have reason to believe that my wife Susan is participating in a sexual affair with one of the characters from Darren Shan’s Saga of Darren Shan. She’s starting keeping IV bags of blood in the fridge, won’t stop talking about when the next Festival of the Undead is, and I found a ticket for the Cirque Du Freak hidden in the bottom of her underwear drawer.
It’s been tough to narrow down the suspect but I think I’ve finally got the definitive list here, ranked from least to most likely to be having an affair with my wife.
Pretty self-explanatory. She’s a spider. And very faithful to her spider boyfriend, if what Seba tells me is true.
He’s like, 12, so that would be pretty messed up. Plus, my wife always says she wishes I wasn’t so childish and immature, so I can’t see how she’d find any appeal in Sam.
The hook hands might make things difficult. I haven’t noticed any cuts on my wife’s body, but to be fair I haven’t seen her undressed in about five years so I can’t be completely sure.
My beautiful sweet angel Harkat would NEVER do that to me. He’s also completely lacking genitals, which makes it pretty hard to fuck my wife, I think.
Come on. We all know what team he plays for.
I think Seba’s years of having sex are long over. I can’t even imagine it. It’s like imagining your grandfather having sex. Ew. Get that thought out of my head NOW!
I don’t think Darren’s got that dog in him. Besides, he’s pretty busy saving the entire vampire clan and also being a Prince at 30 years old. When would he even have the time?
He’s pretty old like Seba, but he does have that spry young energy in him. He might want one last romp in the hay before he kicks the bucket, so I can’t completely rule him out.
I don’t fully trust the snake. He gives the vibe that he and Merla might like a third in their bed sometimes. Which is funny because when I asked my wife if we could have a threesome with her hot 22-year-old coworker she said no and didn’t speak to me for a week. Seems kind of hypocritical, Susan.
Since Debbie’s an English teacher her and my wife would probably bond over reading books or something boring like that. I don’t mind Debbie fucking my wife if it means I get to stop hearing about whatever shitty new book Colleen Hoover has released.
I can definitely imagine Arrow and my wife having a beautiful and brief “Bridges of Madison County” type affair while I’m away on a work trip. He’s such a good guy that I can’t even be too mad about it.
It’s always the tall skinny guys that are packing the baseball bats.
I don’t think Gavner’s morals would allow him to sleep with my wife. However, I fully believe they would have an emotional affair over the course of a few years. He’d tell her she reminded him of his ex-girlfriend, talk about his tragic backstory, and she’d fall in love with how “vulnerable” and “sensitive” he is. News flash!He’s never getting over Liz! You’re just a placeholder!
Annie’s a single mother and emotionally unstable from a lifetime of trauma. Prime candidate for having an affair.
How could I possibly compete against a lesbian in a police uniform? This might be pretty hot, actually. I wonder if they’d let me watch.
They wouldn’t outright sleep together, but just look at what happened with Darren and Steve’s moms. If my wife ends up pregnant, I’m definitely getting a paternity test.
I know he’s disgustingly unattractive and a cowardly asshole, but I can’t rule him out. She married me after all, so it’s possible she has a type. She also came home last week with a Dior bag and some Louboutins that we definitely can’t afford, so it’s possible they have some sort of sugar daddy/sugar baby arrangement.
My wife passed her Trials a few years ago and yet she still goes to “training sessions” with Vanez every Tuesday and Thursday. Seems suspicious.
Yeah, he’s disgusting and ill-mannered. But he’s also jacked and can spit some pretty serious game. And my wife currently has a UTI, and if anyone’s gonna be responsible for that it’s Vancha.
She’s got the whole rope bondage outfit AND can transform her appearance. All she needs to do is change herself into Dr. House and my wife is as good as hers.
I mean, we all know what he did to Larten. Cough, Alicia, cough. Do I really think he would respect the sanctity of my marriage?
He’s hot as hell and has that quiet stocism that women love. I suppose since the vampaneze can’t tell lies I could just ask him, but I don’t know if I’m ready to hear the truth.
Mika would definitely fuck my wife and not even think twice about it. I guess I’m not really allowed to complain about it because he’s a Prince and could easily have me thrown on the stakes in the Hall of Death. You win this time, Sire Mika.
He’s dashingly handsome and has that timeless Quicksilver charm that the ladies all fall for. But my wife is still alive, unlike every other woman Larten’s been involved with.
Arra would have zero qualms about cheating. We know for a fact she’s all about being “passionate in the coffin” and she quite literally asked Larten when Alicia was going to die so she could fuck him. The only reason she’s second on the list and not first is because I can’t imagine her having a positive interaction with another woman.
Is this even a question? Obviously it’s Steve. He got his best friend’s teenage sister pregnant and took off. He’s probably inside my wife right now, telling her what a loser I am and they’re both laughing about it. Fuck you, Steve.
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