“it wasn’t.” you stared at him. he looked worn out. and not the normal way. not the kind that came from working late or too much drinking. it was something else. his eyes were bloodshot. his clothes looked thrown together.

suddenly you felt nervous. “you didn’t answer any of my calls.” his gaze dropped. he looked like your questions were exhausting him. which hurt you more than you’d like to admit.

you took another step. “what’s going on?” but he just shook his head. nothing. everything. too much. rafe could feel his pulse hammering against his ribs.

if you kept asking questions, if you kept looking at him like that, you were going to find out. and the second you found out, you’d leave. because you wouldn’t look at him the same. you couldn’t.

“it’s none of your business.” he mumbled. “excuse me?” your eyebrows furrowed immediately. “you heard me.” the words sounded wrong even as they left his mouth. you blinked. he never was this dismissive with you.

hurt flashed across your face. “rafe, i’m your girlfriend.” girlfriend. the word made his chest ache. because that’s exactly why he couldn’t tell you. because girlfriends were supposed to feel safe.

girlfriends were supposed to have boyfriends that didn’t spend their nights disposing of bodies. that didn’t lie. that didn’t steal. that didn’t destroy everything they touched. you deserved someone normal. someone good. someone who wouldn’t drag you into the darkness with him.

“go home.” he hissed. “not until you tell me what’s wrong.” his breathing became uneven. you noticed immediately. “baby?” rafe sighed heavily, “i said go home.” you crossed your arms, “no.”

his eyes squeezed shut. god. why couldn’t you just leave? why did you care so much? why did you keep loving him when he gave you every reason not to?

“look at me,” you whispered. he couldn’t. because if he looked at you right now, he was going to break. “rafe.” your hand reached for his but he pulled away. the motion hurt both of you.

“what’s happening?” your voice cracked. “please just talk to me.” rafe laughed. except it wasn’t really a laugh. it sounded broken. “you don’t know what you’re asking.”

“then tell me.” you begged. “no.” he shook his head. “why?” because if i tell you, you’ll hate me. because you’ll finally see me. because you’ll realize i’m not the person you think i am. he thought.

his eyes burned. “because you don’t know me.” you stared at him. confused. “what?” the knot in your stomach tightened. “you don’t know me.” his voice was shaking now. “you think you do.”

“rafe—” you started but he cut you off. “you think i’m somebody worth loving.” your heart dropped. “don’t.” his eyes closed briefly, “but i’m not.” now you were worried, really worried.

“stop.” he finally looked at you. and the expression on his face shattered you. because he’d never looked so sad. never looked so lost. “you have no idea who i really am.”

“yes, i do.” you argued. “no.” his voice cracked. “no, you don’t.” you felt tears building immediately. “then tell me.” and as he heard the desperation in your voice, he almost did. for one horrible second, he almost told you everything.

about peterkin. about gavin. about every awful thing he’d done. he almost collapsed right there and begged you to understand. but then he looked at you. and all he could think was that your hands were too clean to be stained by someone like him.

you were too good. too kind. too loving. too everything. and he would ruin you. just like he ruined everything else. so he did the only thing he thought would protect you. he pushed you away.

“i don’t love you.” you blurted out and what followed was silence. and that’s when you knew that there was something really wrong. your face went white. and rafe felt something inside himself die. “what?”

he couldn’t breathe. couldn’t think. could barely stand. but he forced himself to keep going. “i don’t love you.” liar. you are such a liar. he thought to himself

“rafe—” you didn’t understand. none of this made any sense. “i don’t.” his voice broke. you heard it. he knew you heard it. but now he had to push through to the end. “i think you should leave.”

tears spilled down your cheeks. “why are you doing this?” because i love you. because i love you so much that i’d rather destroy myself than let you stay. because one day you’ll find out what i’ve done. and when that happens, it’ll hurt less if you already hate me. he thought.

his throat tightened. “because i’m tired.” his eyes squeezed shut. you could practically see the war happening inside him. “of me?” the question nearly brought him to his knees. “yeah.”

another lie. another knife. another wound. you stared at him for a long moment. searching his face. looking for something. anything. the truth. and rafe prayed you wouldn’t find it.

because if you did, he’d fold immediately. he’d pull you into his arms. he’d tell you everything. he’d beg you not to leave. and that would be selfish. so unbelievably selfish.

you stepped closer. close enough to grab his hand. but the second your fingers brushed his, he pulled away. like your touch burned him. your entire body went cold. it felt like you were watching him disappear right in front of you. and no matter what you did, you couldn’t stop it.

“okay.” you whispered. he refused to say something. something was standing between you. and suddenly you realized that no amount of crying was going to fix this. he had already decided.

“okay.” you wiped at your face. failing miserably. “if that’s what you want.” no. it’s not what he wanted. it was the exact opposite. but it wasn’t right. “goodbye, rafe.”

don’t go. please don’t go. please. he thought, but he said nothing. because loving you meant letting you walk away. even when every part of him was screaming.

he let you walk away. every step down the driveway felt impossible. your vision blurred. your chest started aching. your heart breaking into a million pieces. because none of it made sense. none of it.

and as you climbed into your car, his legs gave out. he collapsed against the side of the truck, one hand covering his mouth as a broken sound escaped him. the driveway was empty. and you were gone.

and for the first time all night, the weight of everything he’d done crashed down on him completely. he thought getting rid of the body would make him feel better. safer. but all he’d really done was lose the one good thing he had left.

“fuck…” he whispered hoarsely. his eyes squeezed shut. because the worst part wasn’t what he’d done to gavin. or peterkin. or himself. the worst part was knowing what he did to you.

and despite what he’d said. despite every lie he’d forced from his mouth. he loved you. he loved you so much it hurt. and that was exactly why he let you go.

“neither did i see you.” you locked eyes with the stanger again. he laughed. you didn’t. and just then his smile faltered slightly, but he tried to brush it off quickly. “well, i’m brad.”

“congratulations.” sofia immediately choked on her drink. the guy, aka brad, looked confused. “i’m y/n”, you smiled ironically. “cute name.” he winked. “thanks.” you replied dryly, but he still didn’t get the hint. “cute girl too.”

sofia physically turned away because she knew exactly where this was headed. you could already feel yourself getting annoyed. not because he was talking to you. because he was talking to you like every other guy who thought confidence meant being obnoxious.

“you got a boyfriend?” the answer was obvious. painfully obvious. rafe was standing less than twenty feet away staring holes through the poor guy. but apparently brad wasn’t very observant.

“yeah.” you nodded. “serious?” he raised a brow. he probably thought you were lying. “very.” you nodded again. “that’s a shame..” you laughed, because the audacity was impressive.

“for who?” you asked and his grin widened. “for me.” you took a quick glance at sofia who was still staring into the distance. “trust me.” you took a sip of your drink. “you’ll survive.”

from across the patio, kelce started laughing. “she’s cooking him.” but rafe looked only mildly pleased. “give it a minute.” the guy still wasn’t even making any indication of moving.

“c’mon.” brad stepped closer. “dudes around here don’t appreciate girls like you.” your good mood disappeared instantly. girls like you. god, you hated that phrase.

“and what exactly does that mean?” you asked. “just saying.” he shrugged. “pretty girls deserve attention.” what was that guy doing? you thought. “i get attention.”

“the right kind.” at that point you set your drink down. slowly. sofia knew by the way you straightened yourself. and she knew that look. “listen.” you crossed your arms. “i’ve told you i have a boyfriend.”

“yeah.” brad nodded. “and i’ve told you i’m not interested.” you continued. “girls always say that.” and in that moment your face fell, and not the good kind.

across the patio, rafe straightened. because now he knew. now you were actually mad. and god help whoever made you mad. “girls always say that?” you repeated.

“you heard me.” a smig smirk was spreading across his face. “wow.” you laughed in disbelief. “that’s genuinely so embarrassing.” his expression darkened. “you’re kinda the bitch, huh?”

sofia groaned in the background. oh no. at this point brad was fucked, and everybody around you knew it, because your entire face changed in an instant. “excuse me?”

“you heard me.” bad. very bad. “you walk around acting like you’re better than everyone with your little high heels.” you scoffed, “because i don’t want to talk to you?”

“because you’re spoiled.” you just stared at him. completely stunned. then you laughed right in his face. this guy wasn’t really serious, was he? “you were the one who fucking approached me.”

his jaw tightened. “you’re not all that anyway. i don’t like when women dress like a fucking hooker.” there it was. the thing that finally did it. you she could handle annoying men. you could handle idiots. but disrespect? absolutely not.

your palm hit his cheek without a second thought and the slap echoed across the whole patio. every conversation nearby immediately died. complete silence.

brad staggered backward in shock. his hand flew to his cheek. your heart was hammering, palm stinging a little but you didn’t care. you did what needed to be done.

“don’t.” you pointed a finger directly at him. “ever fucking talk to me like that again.” for a second nobody moved. his face twisted with anger and he took a step toward you.

that was all rafe needed. one second he was across the patio. the next he was standing directly in front of you. shielding you from that disgusting asshole.

“dude.” rafe’s voice was terrifyingly calm. “i dare you to take another step.” brad froze. because suddenly he wasn’t dealing with you anymore. he was dealing with rafe cameron. and rafe looked ready to lose his mind.

the guy wisely decided this was no longer worth it. without another word, he turned around and disappeared into the crowd. the second he was gone, rafe turned around. his hands immediately found your shoulders.

“you okay?” you rolled your eyes. “obviously.” rafe laughed. “you are so crazy.” you grinned shamelessly, “but you like me like that.” he smirked down at you, “that i certainly do.”

he then pulled you closer by the waist. his eyes softening. “you did so well, baby.” he admired the way you’d stood up for yourself. the way you’d refused to let someone disrespect you. he really couldn’t be prouder.

“i mean, i learned from the best.” you poked him in the ribs and as his arm wrapped tighter around your shoulders, rafe couldn’t help thinking the same thing he’d thought a thousand times before.

god, you were a handful. and god, he loved you for it.

hooking up the girls on figure eight

the kook girls trust raven more than most dealers because she never lies about what she sells. she leans against some expensive SUV, collects cash from girls in designer sunglasses who swear they will only buy “just this once” every single week.

meeting up with rafe at the beach

by noon she meets up with rafe at the beach. they spend most of their time arguing, making fun of each other, and pretending they aren’t both looking forward to seeing one another the next day.

getting ready for bed

late at night she takes a shower to get the salt out of her hair. raven finally lets herself relax. she throws on an oversized band shirt, her glasses and puts on some old nirvana or green day before falling asleep.

“i noticed,” he said softly. too softly. cause he knew that. he had been watching you for a while. watching the way you care so deeply about every aspect. he has been paying attention in a way most people don’t.

there’s a beat of silence. crickets starting up somewhere in the field. rafe shifted his weight, then he asked what has been burning on his tongue since the start, because he needed to know where the ground was. “ya’ husband know about this?”

your heart skipped a beat then. thoughts rushing through your mind. should you lie? or tell him honestly? for a moment you considered telling the truth, but then decided to play it safe. after all he was still a stranger. a very good looking stanger..

“well,” you drawled, stepping closer, pointing the cigarette at his chest, “i guess that depends on whether you plan on keepin’ your job.” rafe blinked, surprised by your playfulness. “you threaten all the hired help like that?”

“only the ones who ask too many questions.” he studied you then, like really looked at you. the way your dress was hugging your figure, how your lips wrapped around the tabaco filter. that’s when he realized that you were not just the farmer’s wife. you were far more than that.

“relax,” he said. “ain’t my business.” you tilted your head sweetly, almost out of reflex, “promise?” he lifted two fingers. “scout’s honor.” you snorted, “you don’t look like a scout.” he agreed, winking “but i’m real good at keepin’ secrets.”

that landed heavier than either of you expected. you glanced at the cigarette, then back at him. you watched him carefully, deciding weather to trust or to dip. but after a second, you held it out to him. “you want one?”

rafe hesitated. just for a moment. his chest tightened, not because he wanted it, but because he understood what it meant. he shook his head. “i’m good.” you nodded, respecting his decision.

you stubed the rest out against the dirt, brushing your hands together after. when you looked back up, rafe was still watching you, expression softer now, something unreadable settling in his eyes.

“guess i’ll see you tomorrow,” you smiled lightly, stepping past him like there wasn’t this slow building tension between the two of you at all. “yeah,” he replied, watching you go, your soft curls bouncing with every step you took. “guess so.”

you quickly disappeared around the corner of the barn, heart racing, cheeks warm. peeking around the barn one last time you cathced his ocean blue eyes staring back at you. and in that moment both of you knew things were only gonna get messier.

ten minutes later, you were sitting on the dirt bike. regretting every decision that had led you here. "why am i doing this?" you asked weakly. jj stood directly behind you, hands resting over yours on the handlebars. "because you trust me."

"that feels manipulative." you raised a brow at him. "maybe it is." he shrugged. "jay!" his laughter rang out across the empty field. god. you swore half your life was spent trying not to smile around him.

"okay, okay." he squeezed your shoulders. "focus." you could feel his chest against your back as he leaned forward slightly, reaching around you to point at the controls.

his voice dropped lower, more concentrated now. "this is your throttle." you nodded. "and this is your brake." another nod. "and if things go wrong-"

"they're going to go wrong." you said quickly. "have some faith in yourself, mama." you looked over your shoulder. jj was already looking at you. of course he was. there was something unfair about the way he smiled. it always made your stomach flip against your will. "stop looking at me like that." you mumbled. "like what?"

"like that." his grin widened. "you nervous?" he dtarted teasing you. "terrified." you admitted. "cute." you groaned, turning away before he could see your face heating up.

"alright," he laughed. "go easy on the throttle." you took a breath. slowly twisted the handle. the bike suddenly lurched and you screamed. the bike moved three feet. and then stalled. silence.

you blinked. jj blinked. then he doubled over laughing. "three feet?" he wheezed. "i hate you." you hopped off immediately, cheeks burning. Ji was still laughing when you shoved his shoulder. "it wasn't funny."

"baby," he managed between laughs, "that was the funniest thing i've ever seen." you glared at him, "i almost died." at that he laughed even more, "you moved slower than a turtle."

"j!" he caught your wrist before you could shove him again. your breath caught. because somewhere during the teasing and laughing, you had ended up closer than intended. much closer.

jj noticed too. his smile softened. "hey." suddenly you forgot what you were mad about. "hey." his thumb brushed absentmindedly across your wrist. "you know i wouldn't let anything happen to you, right?"

the playfulness was still there, but quieter now. genuine. ji wasn't always good at serious conversations. sometimes he joked when he was scared, laughed when things got too real.

but every now and then, moments like this slipped through. moments where you could see exactly how much he cared. your heart squeezed. "i know." his gaze lingered on yours for a second longer. then-

"plus," he added, grin returning immediately, "if you got hurt, who else would laugh at my jokes?" you groaned. "and there he goes." he grinned innocently, "what?"

"ruining the moment." you sighed, taking a step back. "i thought it was romantic." crossing your arms you said, "you thought wrong." jj laughed before pulling you back toward the bike. "one more try."

twenty minutes later, you were actually riding. not well. not gracefully. but staying on the bike. the wind whipped through your hair as you laughed. and when you glanced over, ji was grinning so widely, throwing both fists into the air like you had just won a championship. "look at you go!"

"i'm doing it!" you cheered, "you're doing it!" you were both yelling now. both laughing. and when you finally stopped, breathless and exhilarated, ji practically tackled you in excitement.

"see?" he beamed, wrapping an arm around your shoulders. "told you." you rolled your eyes. "don't let this go to your head." he chuckled, pressing a kiss to your temple, "might be too late for that."

"you don't get to talk about her," rafe snapped, stepping closer, invading the guy's space. "you don't get to think about her. and you definitely don't get to open your mouth and say shit like that."

you could hear your heartbeat in your ears. part of you wanted to grab his arm, pull him back, diffuse it. but another part of you was frozen. because he was doing this for you.

"damn," the guy scoffed, hands raised. "didn't know she needed a guard dog." at that rafe lost it. he lunged forward, grabbing the guy by the collar and slamming him back so hard the wall rattled. people shouted. someone gasped while you barely registered any of it.

"don't you ever call her that," rafe snarled, forearm pressing into the guy's chest. "she doesn't need to hear shit like that from losers like you. she deserves respect, you hear me? and you clearly weren't raised with that."

your chest ached. you knew rafe's breathing pattern by now, the way his shoulders rise and fall when he's trying not to explode completely. you stepped forward, hands trembling, gripping his bicep.

"rafe," you said softly, your voice barely there. he didn't look at you at first. he couldn't. if he did, he might stop. "you think you can talk to her like that and walk away?" he continued, voice shaking with rage. "you think there aren't consequences?"

the guy's face went completely pale. "i didn't mean-" rafe slamed him, harder. "intent doesn't mean shit." you flinched at that, heart in your throat. this was the part that scared you. the part where rafe forgets the room, forgets himself, forgets everything except the threat in front of him.

you squeezed his arm harder, grounding him the only way you know how. "rafe." you mumbled again, your grip on his arm tightening. and this time, he hears you.

his head turned just slightly, eyes flicking to yours, and he shifted immediately. the rage didn't disappear, but it calms. you see it all in his expression. the fear of scaring you, the guilt already creeping in, the overwhelming need to keep you safe even from himself.

he leaned back into the guy one last time, voice dropping to a dangerous tone. "you ever talk to her again, i will fucking ruin you. do you understand me?" the guy nodded frantically before rafe shoved him away like he was nothing.

and suddenly all the tension in the room disappeared. rafe turned fully to you now, hands hovering like he was afraid to touch you without permission. his eyes searched your face.

"are you okay, baby?" he asked, breathless. you nod your head, swallowing past the lump in your throat. "yes, im okay." his face crumpled for half a second, not sure if you were telling the truth.

"i'm sorry," he said quietly. "i shouldn't have-" you cut him off by stepping into him, pressing your forehead to his chest. his heart was pounding like it was trying to escape.

"don't," you murmured. "you didn't do anything wrong."his arms came around you slowly, carefully, afraid you'll disappear if he didn't hold you right now. he buried his face in your hair, breathing you in, grounding himself in you.

"i can't stand it," he admitted under his breath. "the idea of anyone thinking they can treat you like that. it makes me fucking sick." you laced your fingers into his, steaduying both of you. "i know."

he pressed a kiss to the top of your head. a stark contrast to the rafe he was just a few minutes ago. "ill always protect you," he promised you. "even from the worst parts of myself."