I think I’m really sick of beauty oriented content online. I can’t reconcile the expectation for women to be sexually desirable to men as a form of oppression and the joy of doing cute makeup and putting together cute outfits. I think it’s ok to want to be sexy and erotic, but there’s a fine line between channeling your sexuality and putting on a performance for the patriarchy. I think where that line is drawn is very personal, but then that line of thinking veers too much into choice feminism which in our contemporary society just feels like marketing ploy to get women to buy more stuff that we don’t actually need to be human.
The thing is, I still play the game. I still do my makeup and hair in the mornings. I wear flattering clothing. I know my angles. I know that if I look pretty I’ll be treated better. I can’t help but feel good when I look good. I also know what I’m doing is just furthering misogyny.
I see all these posts on TikTok and instagram about how to take good selfies or some new way to categorize your facial features so you know what haircut to get or what clothing colours you should avoid and it feels so pointless. Then I also go on femcel subs or subs like r/trueuglywomen and it’s the same thing essentially- everybody is obsessed with how they look! And it’s probably for good reason and I do it too. I spend so much time looking at myself. Periodically I’ll just open my camera app and take a picture to check if I still look good just to delete it right after. At least I don’t feel like I need to post myself online anymore to get validation. I’m not ugly but I used to be. I never cared more about how I looked than when I was ugly.
I look around me at all the women who inhabit my life and they’re just normal. But I know if I had seen their faces online, through the lens of beauty influencers or chudettes the experience would be totally different. I think I’m just too online. It’s seeping into the real world for me. Idk, I’m still formulating my thoughts about it all.
