Some days I think I try to find pain

Where there is none

I seek something

Anything

To fill this void inside me

The love I had for you is lost

And the love I seek is far

The wound you caused is healed

And the pain I felt is gone

Only emptiness consumes me

And only nonchalance controls me

Because yours was not the love I sought

 The love I seek is a love

That can never be destroyed

A love that will be borne from me

And by me

A love that would withstand

Even the greatest of tragedies

Death

And even after such a tragedy

It would leave a wound

That can never be healed

I am sick

My mind is a little fucked up

Because I love it

I love that you left

I love that you could not handle it

I love that you could not handle me

I love that you could not handle us

I love that you pretended it was nothing

That I was nothing

I love the pain you gave me

Because I am so fucking high off it

The pain is liberating

Because I expected it

That is all I expect from people

Disappointment

Pain

Regret

So those are what make me feel

Right now,

I can feel every cell in my body

The blood rushing through my veins

The air filling my lungs

You made me feel alive again

Thank you

Thank you for hurting me

Just enough to inspire me

Just enough for me to write this

Cause I am an artist

And you,

4 hours, 37 minutes 16 seconds

That is how long

I have been holding my breath

Since you told me

I have been holding my breath

I keep trying to exhale

But my body will not permit me

I should be dead by now

But I just keep moving

Like nothing happened

The funny thing is I saw this coming

It was like a car

Driving towards me head on

At 150km per hour

And I just stood there

I did not jump out of the way

I just stood there

As you crashed into me

And now I have stopped breathing

I was not prepared

I should have been prepared

But I am not sure how I was meant to prepare

They say I’m cold

I’m not cold

I’m the complete opposite

If you knew what real emotions were

You wont be so quick to give them out either

Have you ever been hungry

But so full of emotion that

You felt like you desperately needed to barf

Have you ever lay completely still in bed

Hoping that if you don’t move you wont feel the pain

Like you were lying in a tube of hot water

Have you ever cried so much

That you felt like your eyes were literally

About to drop out of the socket

That somehow your tears had loosened them

Have you ever loved so deeply

That you felt you wanted to hold them so tight

And somehow combine

And literally become one

Have you ever fallen in love with the wrong person

And spent YEARS trying to forget them

And had days in the shower

Where suddenly you cannot discern the water

From your eyes from the water

That felt from the shower

Or days where you just lay on the floor

Staring at the ceiling

And suddenly you cannot breathe

So you just lay there, still

Gasping for air

Praying that somehow God would suck those emotions

Out of you just for the sake of your sanity

Don’t talk to me about cold

Until you have felt real emotions