Help

But then it does. Slowly. You start listening to happier music. You make better friends. You find new hobbies. You get out of the house more. You find things you're good at. You enjoy the things you're not so good at.

Sure, sometimes those friends leave. Sometimes you feel like you're not good enough. Sometimes you feel like you can't leave the house, or talk to your friends, or do the things you enjoy.

But that's just how it is. That's how you know it's getting better. When the bad days are not the norm, they're just bad days.

society these days have made love romantic. nothing is inherently romantic. my friend kissing me on the forehead is not gay. me saying i love you to my friend does not mean i want to date them.

the beauty of friendship is that when we love someone, we choose to love them completely and fully for how they are. there are no other motives, like sex or money or a marriage contract. just two people who decide "I love who you are" and decide to stay together for that one reason.

and it's that reason that platonic relationships are the purest. it's where you can tell each other what's on your mind, where you can act how you feel and not worry about them judging you for it. because you being who you are is precisely the reason they chose you. and there's nothing holding together a friendship apart from the mutual choice of both parties to carry on. and that's beautiful.

we should think sometimes, about the things we tell our friends, and the things we don't. do we think that our friends love us becsuse of how easy we are to love? do you think your best friend looks at you and says, "I'm friends with this person because of how few of their problems they bother me with," or "I can't be friends with them if they get a low score on this quiz." no! you know that's stupid. I'm your friend, I signed up for this. infodump about your hobby on me, rant to me about your day, cry to me about your problems. I'll take it, and you don't need to worry about being a burden, because that's my choice, and I love you for who you are, which includes all your problems.

and that's when the reality of the love you have for your friends hits you. when you'd sit and listen to them just to hear them speak. when you choose to spend time with them, not because you'll gain something, but because time spent with them is the greatest treasure you can have right now. and the lack of material gain just makes it all the more genuine.

this post has been a bit of a messy ramble, but let me leave you with a quote by Hanya Yanagihara from her novel, A Little Life. "Wasn't friendship its own miracle, the finding of another person who made the entire lonely world seem somehow less lonely?"

when they ask if im ok. even when they say are you sure.

but the truth is, im not sure. im not sure at all. in fact i have no clue how i can begin to respond.

can i tell them its getting worse, when they have no idea how it was before? can i tell them how i lay awake all night doing nothing, unable to sleep?

what if i told them that i had started hurting myself just to... i don't even know why. to feel something?

there's no point hiding it. they've seen the scars. "yeah ive got a cat. no it's a skin problem. im fine. im fine. im fine."

do they care? of course they do. they're my friends, right? if they didn't care they wouldn't ask. but they have their own lives. their own problems. what are they gonna do for me? what can they do for me? how can they help me when i don't even know how to help myself?

i can joke about it. "yeah i volunteer as a scratching post at a cat cafe." but how would they know that the jokes are a hidden cry for help. how do i explain that i joke about it because i have no other way to talk about it.

and even then, even if i can talk about it. what can they do. if i share my problems, i still have them but now so does somebody else. that's not fair on them. and just think of the security risk!

i love you for who you are, even if it's sometimes difficult. that just shows i love you more, because what is love if it is easy?

my love for you doesn't depend on how easy it is to love you. i'm not friends with you just because it's convenient for me, i'm friends with you because i love you with all my heart, even when you feel like you don't deserve it.

i carry your love like i would carry water through a desert. it may be a heavy package but i could never live without it.

i help you through your toughest moments even when i'm barely handling my own, because i know you would do the same for me.

i allow you to rest on my shoulder because i know that you are struggling to hold up. and i know that if you don't allow yourself to be that small weight on my shoulder now, it will be harder for you to accept help later when you will need it even more.