imunhinged🚬

And God, I'm stuck. I feel so violent but have no subject to inflict this anger or violence onto. So I plate it up myself and eat it too.

"You know, I don't think I'll ever move on from my first love. It's been 2 years. Yet I feel the same way I did 2 years before."

And this just reminded me of my own first love. And how I still haven't forgotten her yet. It's not because we are still talking or something but simply because the space she occupies in my heart, will never be able to accommodate anyone else. It's made for her and only her.

And sometimes I feel guilty about it. Because I know that whoever I will love next, will never get that version of me. The one I gave to her. The one who wasn't scared to voice her love out loud. The one who always texted first without ever letting ego or even self respect get in the way. I was down bad for her. And the craziest part is, I would do it all over again if given a chance. I wouldn't waste a second thinking about it.

I would let myself love her again. And this time, I'll try to love her better. Try to correct any of the mistakes I made. I would look at her with all the love of the world and I would make it very clear that the only person I want is her.

I will leave no blurred lines between us.

I have always felt this way. For as long as I can remember. And its not about not being confident enough, or doubting your own potential, but its more about not being able to trust that someone could actually love you. With no conditions or expectations attached.

I know im pretty. I know im smart. I know that im filled with so much love. But I dont know if im lovable. You can look at me from afar, admire my beauty or intelligence, toss around a few compliments here and there, crush on me but when it comes to loving, i feel deserted. And when I stand alone, i wonder if they can smell the rot of my heart. I wonder if they see through me enough to know that im overflowing with love. And then I think they take advantage of that. Of my love.

Tearing pieces away, til there's nothing left. A shallow pit. A hollow heart.

And then I realize why no one can ever love me. Not because im unlovable but because im too lovable. To the point where my love suffocates your air and you need to push me away and stand a bit further away just so you could breathe.

This Tumblr page is my safe space where I'll post stuff like poetry, literature, bl series reviews and recommendations, kdrama reviews, kpop rant, art, quotes, politics, rant about my non existent love life, and etc.

But season 2 definitely held more surprises. I'll talk about the couples one by one because I feel like I'll miss important details if I don't.

1. ArnoldTua- This couple was easily the most least toxic one. Seeing Tua's character reminded me a lot of Mew. Although at first I felt like Arnold was friend zoning Tua, later I realized that he just needed time for his own feelings to become clearer and that's alright. It also felt good to see how he wanted to clarify their status as a couple as soon as he was ready to do so.

2. RomeRaffy- I feel like Rome was the most sensible and non problematic character. I also liked it when he clearly turned down Pete because he was in love with Raffy. And there was a scene when the video of Arnold and Dean is leaked and everybody naturally assumes the culprit to be Raffy, so I thought that Rome will do the same and maybe even be angry at Raffy. But I was so happy when instead of jumping to conclusions, Rome first talked to Raffy sensibly. And the fact that he was ready to let go of Raffy, also showed his own realization of his self worth. He seemed like the most relatable character to me personally.

Now talking about Raffy, I feel like he is so misunderstood. I get that he wanted Jack and Dean to break up so he could be with Jack, but still he wasn't all that wrong. Jack also kept leading him instead of turning him down fully, so its only natural that Raffy felt like there could be a future for them one day. He was only in love. And thats not wrong. And he never actually hated Dean. His hatred was born from his own insecurities. He had pressure from his mother and was also in love with Jack. And on top of that he was constantly competing with Dean for the role of Romeo. Due to these factors, he hated Dean, but I feel like this hatred was also burned down in the glow of the lit cigarettes they shared in a scene. And I felt good to see that Raffy, in the end, chose to respect himself and turn down Jack when he realized that he was nothing more that a replacement for Dean.

3. JackDean- This was the most toxic and problematic couple in my opinion. I felt like Dean's character was so toxic and portrayed so well, I was literally applauding for actor Mix. His character perfectly showed how far people sometimes go to rekindle their relationships for the person they love. Although his ways were toxic, his end goal was always the same- Jack. All he wanted was to keep being his number one actor. And now that I write about it, his character seems way more vulnerable to me than it did on screen. He was confident and a little self absorbed, but I felt like he needed that level of self confidence because of his situation. He wasnt a nepo baby like Raffy. So he worked even harder. I feel like his determination and self belief was really applaudable throughout the series. Because all the while, he was hated, but never once defeated. And that shows how perfect he was in his craft. Other than that, no matter what situation he faced, he fought against it proudly. Like increasing his followers by making content with Arnold, confidently admitting to be a host when people at university were gossiping about him. But after the misunderstanding in the end, when Jack had made up his mind, instead of pushing, he quietly accepted his defeat. That felt very emotional to me. He also didn't get together with anyone, also turned down Gameplay. In the end, he, too, just wanted his boyfriend Jack back no matter what. But he could only do it when he was sure that Jack loved him too. And in the end, when Jack made up his mind and offered him just a friendship instead, he went back into acting mode and took his friendship like scraps to a dog not fed for a long time.

I dont have much to say about Jack but I did hate him for giving mixed signals to Raffy and leading him on.

Also when I saw Boston refusing to sleep with Tua when he was heartbroken, i was so shocked. Boston really had changed a lot. But then again, in the previous season too, it was said that he never forced people. But still, seeing him pass on such great opportunity was shocking and heartwarming. But when I saw him and Nick seeing each other after so long, that too with Nick's boyfriend being there, it felt like a flashback. I think Boston really did love Nick. I kinda wished for them to end up together, but I guess its just better this way. Not every relationship always has to turn into something beautiful and eternal. Sometimes it ends before time and thats alright. Some candles are better left unlit.