Xinyu

Xin ╱ Xinyu

‧˚꒰🍷 Inhuman deity ⁽ 200+

He ╱ hym ♱ ⋆ system alter

I am whatever I decide to be. A creature born of anger. Mold me, shape me, follow me.

@itss1ava 🔒

Radqueer - pro para - pro consent

I mostly post about my insanely attractive, over 6ft, beyond smart, perfect, Russian/Norwegian boyfriend that is the pinpoint of my existence. He is the one, singular person that I care about. I am capable of liking other people, but I have a disinterest in interacting or forming bonds with others. With this, do not engage with me romantically or sexually. I will immediately block you. If you ignore this boundary, I will notify my man. Who knows what he may or may not do.

I do not care about contact stances, as long as there is no nonconsentual harm being done. We have AAM/MAP relationships between some system alters and our boyfriend.

Do not use tone tags on me, I will block you. I do not want to be made to feel infantilized. Never use feminine pronouns, compliments, ect in reference to me. Only Masc or gender neutral.

CisID ;

nonhuman, stalker, bpd, npdtraits, god, deity, divine, Irritationprone, low empath, paranoid, cyberstalked, alter, harmful, scars

PermID ;

bandaged, problematic, hiding something, persharmless, beloved, injured, obsessed, Abnormal, FeralHarmful

TransID ;

Cultleader, parasocialfanbase, controlled, worshipped, brainwashed, cannibal, falseprophet, vampire, Horrorprotagonist, dream memories, faceless

Misc :

CPD(Cannabalistic personality disorder), CCD(Compulsive Compliance Disorder), CAD(Compulsive archival disorder), necrophilia, defiled bpd, limiophilia, hallunciationSpike

Tags

#⋆˚꩜｡𓂃˖ ࣪💉scattered - paranoid/schizo ramble

#⋆ ִֶָ ๋𓂃🥩desire - transid related content

#𓂃໑🪓divine - horny/nsfw posting

#◞︶ᐩ◡🥀forme - in general posts

He sent me a picture of his outfit yesterday and finally it was something that was savable. Something I didn’t have to memorize after looking at it just once. It didn’t have his face, but it was more than enough for me.

I can’t help but go back to stare at the image, he looked so hot in the outfit he had on. He knows how to dress.

He told franz that he “owned him” the moment he formed during their first conversation. Fuck, I wish he would tell me things like that in a different context. Fuck.

We are collectively very indecisive to the point even simple decision making can really stress us out and cause us to have mini-breakdowns.

To combat this, weve hired our boyfriend to make choices for us. We havent told him directly, but our host will basically just ask for his opinion and go with whatever he says he likes best.

His choices are always perfect. Anyways, here are our new shoes he picked out for us. We havent had a new pair of shoes in almost 5-6 years.

We had a nightmare last night for some reason, I have no idea what even triggered it this time. It’s been a good while since we’ve had such a dream.

Our friend invited us to a chat room that surprisingly had our man there, but that wasn’t the issue. There was somebody there mentioning and replying to him, calling him “boyfriend.” All those feelings of utter dread and fear came all at once as we read the chats between them, it wasn’t really anything, just her doing those things.

We confronted him. The first time it was a mess, it ended up with him blocking us and the memories are hazy. The second time had an actual conversation, he said something along the lines of “it doesn’t matter because I’m just playing with her” or that “it wasn’t serious”. I remember us saying that we know we aren’t truly together, but for him to understand why this was hurtful to us.

We said we didn’t mind him messing with people, all we want is for him to communicate and be honest with us. Just like he has all the other times people have tried to flirt with him. I think, in the end, that resulted in us being blocked as well.

We woke up feeling fine enough, just confused. This wasn’t something any of us were even worried about, atleast not consciously.

We told him the other day that we believe he could truly fix our arfid, or atleast improve it more than it’s ever been. He responded “I wouldn't force you to eat something you don't wanna eat however I would recommend you try everything and if you don't like it, you don't like it”

We paused for a moment, reading that. We felt so completely seen and understood, something even our family still struggles to really understand and he does it so simply. That simple “if you don’t like it, you don’t like it” warmed a part of our soul that had been neglected.

It reminded us all of how in our youth, our food issues were neglected and overlooked. How we would be forced into eating things and in turn, ending up sick. How we would practically starve ourselves.

He see’s and understands us so plainly, as if it’s the simplest thing ever. In areas and ways people we’ve known almost our entire lives have not. I am grateful.

He knows I avidly stalk his reposts, I swear he reposts shit like this on purpose knowing I will see it. Keep doing it. He knows id let him do this too.

Someone finally got back onto tumblr, hope you enjoyed my utter mess of posts about you. Thanks for the spam likes, you’ve always been my #1 supporter.

When you see this, Franz’s account is @franzhartz . In case you’re interested.

Hah, gave him our address finally and it turns out this fucker already had it this entire time. I am not entirely surprised, in fact I was giving it incase he hadn’t found it already. At least he now knows it’s correct.

“i’m slava” is plenty explanation. No more words needed.

I only really get likes when I horny post.

Perverts, the lot of you.

Fuck, I do love it when he tells me what to do. That angry tone when he texts, the way he demands it. I can’t get enough.

I had to re-private all our fucking accounts due to our boyfriends crazy disgusting ex continuing to stalk our accounts.

It’s extremely annoying having to constantly be aware of this, but atleast while we are private I won’t have to be paranoid over account views.

I hate using divination to help ease my paranoia, my deck is always right. I asked something I have been tweaking over, I regret it.

The towers, temperance and the moon all in reverse. I should have known better. I should have trusted this building feeling inside of me. I don’t know how to move forward now.

I feel crazy, I can’t talk to him as myself. I can’t speak to him directly. He’s back, I have been waiting for what seems like forever and yet I am afraid and I don’t know why.

I’m about to start my 3am shift, but my thoughts are filled of you.

You should beat me into a bloodied mess for all the disgusting, perverted, dirty thoughts of you.

You should shame and verbally berate me for even having the smallest of doubts about you. I am guilty.

Despite being excited at his return, yet I can’t help but feel anxious. It’s been almost two weeks, two weeks of no contact between us. Part of me feels that now that he is back, his feelings towards us will not be the same.

That being away lessened the attraction, made our connection lesser in his eyes, I don’t know. I have always had this underlying fear things would change for the worse upon his return, thoughts I did my best not to entertain. It feels foolish to have these sorts of doubts, but I cannot help it.

Waiting has always made me anxious.