unspoken

September 2018. Got a 74 grade and failed in one subject. I am ashamed and untill now I don't want to talk about it. My mother scoulded me, and ask me, "why do you get a low grade? How? Is it hard for you to take up the lesson? your sister is way better than you because she is smart. You were educated in a good school but this is all you give to us?". And at that moment, I started hating myself, losing myself as well.

So I decided to transfer back at my recent school where I finish my junior high. I even shift into other strand to start a new one. It was hard but Im trying. Trying to make my parents proud. But sadly, I notice I started to gave up. It was useless for me to show them what they want. I started losing interest in everything. The more I became a rebel and the more they hated me. The more I also hated myself. I'm so tired listening to "you weren't like that before, what happened to you?" "is that how you behave? fix that". My parents even advice me to stop studying and they will stop paying my tuition. After that we had a deep conversation with my father, he asked me if I still want to go to school and then we made a deal. "I will fix my life and they will support me".

Until now, Im still fixing and trying to find myself. What do I really want to become, and who really am I? For now I am not aiming for high grades, good image in school, gaining popularity in school or in any aspect. I am just being me, living my life.

To my mama and papa, everyone who keeps on expexting something from me. I am very sorry If I cannot be who you want me to be.