Im so tired or people saying stuff like “the stars will still shine if im gone and the sun will still rise” because no it wont. Because thays not how it works. Because the people who knew you arent going to care anymore and they won’t see these things. Because your mom will stay in bed all day wondering when your going to get home from your friends house and knowing you never will. Because your dad is going to spend every night pacing and shaking so hard he cant even stand up straight and wondering if your stressed out about the geometry test next Thursday and momentarily forgetting that you will not be there to take it. Your sister will forget everything she needed to do to get ready for college and she’ll have three panic attacks on the first day alone and she’ll have to get a therapist and medication just so she can study for a future she no longer sees a point in. Your brother wont know how to explain why hes crying to his third grade classmates and he’ll have to be picked up early almost every day for a month. Because your english teacher will get choked up when he finds your essay in the pile and he’ll grade it anyway just to see how you would have done; its your best so far. Your science teacher will look away from her computer screen everytime she has to take roll until they remove you from her roster and she’ll keep your A+ project displayed in the back just so she can pretend youll be back on monday to talk about thermodynamics. The kid you passed in the hall everyday after third period will always wonder if they could have done anything to help you, if they befriended you could they have helped spot the warning signs and convinced you to get help? Everyone will always feel like you are just around the corner, just down the hall, just taking a bathroom break, and you’ll be back soon. It will be a wound that will never close and saying “i really wanted to go” wont help anyone at all because its a shitty excuse. You will haunt them for the rest of their lives and the will see you everytime they close their eyes. They will feel your eyes on their backs forever, accusing, saying “why didnt you help me?” Your best friend will break down crying with her sister because she should have seen the signs and youe boyfriend wont eat for three days because hes crying so hard he throws up. The kids who sit at your lunch table will have to move because no one wants to see the place you carved you name into the wood because no one wants to remember what they cant forget. The girls in your choir section will spend weeks trying to figure out how to fill the gap your missing voice has left, and your director has resigned himself to knowing that there will always be a rough spot that your voice used to cover. The barista you tipped ay Starbucks every Thursday will wonder what happend to the kind girl with the beautiful eyes and they’ll be completely crushed wjen they ask your study group members where you are. The kids you read to at the library twice a week will wonder what happened to the girl who did the silly voices and they’ll ask when you’re coming back.

“You once said you didnt believe in war. I thought that a little strange. How can you not believe in something that is so common around you? How can you not believe in something that you are? Your words like bullets, you use your mouth like a machine gun. You sparked a revolution, i bet you didnt expect it go this far. You’ve got hands like barbed wire, but you managed to soften them for me. Or so I’d once thought. The thing is, though, you cant go using your heart like a hand grenade. You cant blow yourself into shrapnel just so they feel the same pain they caused you. It’ll come back to you, in the end. But, then again, you dont believe in war. So what do you believe in? Certainly not peace. Not with the continued battles that are our relationship, And the trench war that is our great war love. We cant just give up ground anymore, the trenches in our skin made sure of that. Your barbed wire hands became fences. You wanted to keep me out, but, Love, I was already in. I can’t remove the horror from your blood or the battle lust from your skin. But can i stop your heart from becoming a weapon? I’ve certainly been trying. And yet, again and again you throw your heart away. Your own pieces flying and embedding themselves in those who are not worthy to carry your heart. But you still dont believe in war, do you?”

“My soul calls to yours, and yours to mine. We meet and we fall I’m waves and you’re shoreline. You shared my nights as much as my days. Now you’re everywhere but here, I still hope you’re okay. You are wildfire and now I’m darkness. I will not fight them, but release my madness. “I’ll come back for you.” Liar. No one is coming. No one is coming… No one.”

Hey guys. It's me. I still exist. Barely. I know I've been off the grid for a long time and I'm sorry. So much has happened. I lost my mom not too long ago after being her primary caregiver for years and financially supporting her and her funeral arrangements, moved half way across the country (not really by choice) and back, and now I'm trying to live in on my own for the first time. And it's fucking hard. I'm currently failing at it, despite trying my fucking hardest. I've just received an eviction notice and i am financially tapped out. I've always spent all my finances on taking care of my mom and her care that I never was able to build up any saving. And then the saving I did build up I had to use to move back home, very suddenly. I've come up a couple hundred short on my rental payment. And currently I feel like the definition of fucked. I have no back up options currently. I don't even know what else to do at this point.