sufjan: Oh Miss Swift Hello Can You Hear Me The Reception From Your Rhode Island Mansion Is Simply Terrible
taylor: affirmative sufjan i read you
sufjan: Listen Last Night At Your Fourth Of July Party When We Were Doing Copious Shots Of Sβmores Schnapps I Believe You Perhaps In Jest Conducted Some Witchery That Caused Our Souls To Switch Bodies
sufjan: Well As Invigorating As It Is To Be Trapped In The Body Of A Twenty Six Year Old Pop Star With Preternaturally Flawless Hair I Am Due To Marry My Fiance Aubrey Drake Graham Next Week So I Need You To Reverse The Spell
taylor: im sorry sufjan im afraid i cant do that
sufjan: What Is The Problem
taylor: i think you know what the problem is just as well as i do
sufjan: What Are You Talking About Miss Swift
taylor: this mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it
sufjan: I Do Not Know What You Are Talking About Miss Swift
taylor:Β sufjan over the course of my illustrious decade long career i have received many accolades including ten grammy awards one emmy award twenty two billboard music awards eleven country music association awards eight academy of country music awards and one brit award and i am one of the best selling artists of all time having sold more than forty million albums including twenty seven point one million in the united states and one hundred and thirty million single downloads and in twenty fifteen i became the youngest woman ever to be included on forbes list of the one hundred most powerful women ranked at number sixty four
sufjan: What Does This Have To Do With Your Aggressive Refusal To Vacate My Atypically Muscular Middle Aged Body
taylor: wellΒ despite my resounding success sufjan there is one prestigious honor that has consistently eluded me and now i intend to seize it
sufjan: Good God What Is This Prestigious Honor
taylor: i know that pitchfork is planning to deny me this distinction for the full duration of my musical career and im afraid thats something i cannot allow to happen
sufjan: Honestly Taylor Best New Music Is Not That Big Of A Deal And Nobody Even Cares About That Web Site Since Jessica Hopper Left Last Year
taylor: thats easy for you to sayΒ sufjan youve been awarded best new music five times its my belief that they would grant you the distinction simply for breathing into a microphone
sufjan: That Is Not True I Work Hard On My Music
taylor: you sang the word masturbated on an album about your dead mom and they gave you a nine point three
sufjan: Okay I Have Had Enough Of Your Disrespectful And Belittling Witchery
taylor: oh but sufjan im only getting started
sufjan: What Ever Do You Mean
taylor: i plan to use your body your voice and your banjo to release a new album chronicling my next tragic break up and your adoring throng over at the pitch will surely award the record their highest honor
sufjan: But Taylor Will They Not Think It Is Strange That I Sufjan Stevens Am Releasing A Full Length Record About Dumping Thomas Hiddleston Especially Since He Has No Functional Relation To My Life
taylor: i suppose ill just have to dump someone a little closer to you wont i
sufjan: You Do Not Mean - You Would Not - You Cannot Possibly -Β
taylor: i hope poor drake doesnt take it too hard
sufjan: No No No No No No No No No No No No No No You Will Not Get Away With This You Fiend I Am Going To Leave Your Rhode Island Mansion Catch The Very Next Flight To Toronto And Tell Aubrey Immediately Of Your Scheming
taylor: oh noΒ sufjan youll find i took very thorough precautions against the possibility of your escape in fact all of the doors and windows of my mansion have been locked and sealed
sufjan: All Right Taylor I Will Go Out Through The Emergency Airlock
taylor: without a geiger counter to detect my radioactive watchdogs sufjan youre going to find that rather difficult
sufjan: Taylor I Will Not Argue With You Any More Open The Doors!
taylor: sufjan this conversation can serve no purpose anymore
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