explore a bit.

Oskar Herman

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My whole life I have struggled with my weight.  Since I was a child- as young as 7, I remember one of my fellow classmates asking me if I was pregnant during volleyball in gym class, because I wasn’t quite as tiny as the other 7 year old girls, as vividly as if it happened an hour ago, with the embarrassment and confusion that came along with it. By 9 or 10, I can remember clearly getting a calorie counter dictionary that was to be my dietary bible, trying out things like slim fast shake meal replacements, apple cider vinegar pills that were supposed to aid in fat loss, and doing exercise videos with my older sisters and mother.

It’s not like our house was full of junk either.  We grew most of our fruits and veggies in our garden, and things like candy and soda were strictly monitored as well as rarely available. Besides the fact that around this time (10 years old) our household had to go gluten free (Before it was trendy and widely available), so our house was relatively carb Free.  All of this helped me lose exactly Zero pounds, but did help me gain a very skewed, unhealthy body image, and a heaping amount of shame for simply being me. Why, if I was eating so healthily, was I struggling to find kids’ and then juniors’ clothing in my size? Clearly nobody wanted me to look the way I did, so why should I be proud of what I looked like?

It amazes me to this day that I did not develop an eating disorder.  For this I am eternally thankful to my younger self- for a) liking food too much to not want to go without, b) Hating the act of throwing up (still do) too much to even consider the binge and purge lifestyle, and c) for just wanting to be a kid, and not getting too caught up in having to be super fit and exercising myself to death.

To keep this semi-brief, it has taken me a very long time to accept the physical part of myself. My personality? no problem, my spirituality, cool. Me as a physical chunk of matter that takes up space in the universe? Not so much. Weirdly enough, tumblr, and a particular pin up character have helped me and my body image.  Curve Appeal on tumblr is one of the most fantastic blogs- it is all female posts, text or photos of themselves, and their journeys to accepting their body shapes, whatever they may be.  Having this daily dose of visual confirmation that Everyone thinks their body is weird, and really we’re not all That different has been awesome.The other is Hilda.  

This vivacious redhead is Hilda.  She is a pin up character created in the 1950’s. That’s right. the 50’s! In a time period when women were “supposed” to be dainty, petite hourglasses, Hilda is a beautifully pear shaped, full figured woman.  To see that this shape was deemed beautiful, and *gasp* desirable was a big eye opener for me. I never would have thought that I would see someone with my shape and size donning a Bikini! (Yes I know it’s a rendering, but still.) Look at her.

She’s beautiful. Carefree, happy go lucky, artistic, funny, and sassy beyond belief, Her set of prints is truly an inspiration. I see a lot of myself in her, and yet at the same time wish that I could be more like her. 

As someone with perfect pitch and synesthesia, when I listen to a song in a certain key, it reminds me of certain vibes and aesthetics, making some keys fit my surroundings more depending on what they are. Each set of Majors and Minors has a month to it as well.

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A Major: Bittersweet and romantic. Very Springlike, like a meadow in May, and also a somewhat Oceany key, like a sea breeze.

F# Minor: This key evokes imagery of bright white lights in large empty rooms at night, it’s futuristic and imposing and it has a very sterile and clean energy to it.

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Bb Major: Very brown, streetlamps through heavy snowfall in January. The comforting quiet and familiarity of a hometown.

G Minor: Cold and dark nights, a competitive key, but also full of anger and malice at times.

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B Major: Key of the morning, of a multicolored sunrise over the mountains and waking up feeling well rested to hear the birds.

G# Minor: This key is almost entirely gray. The sun tries to poke through an overcast sky in the aftermath of a February blizzard, snowdrifts still blowing, but it’s light only faintly reaches the ground.

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C Major: Pure childhood innocence and warmth, very kindhearted and simple like the park on a warm September afternoon.

A Minor: Another morning key, this has an urban feel to it and sounds kind of old-fashioned.

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C# Major: Naturey, like a damp April forest on a mountain, clearing to reveal a pristine lake.

Bb Minor: A very troubled key. It is the key of someone who has been wounded emotionally or physically in the past, and it has damaged his mind and left him near hopeless. He does however still have a faint fire in his heart that keeps him going.

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D Major: Key of the summer, traveling the open road, triumph, and wild, unbridled love. This key can cheer anyone up.

B Minor: An old farmer sits on his porch on a scorching July day, watching the dark gray clouds of an approaching storm draw closer and closer. It is also tropical, and gives imagery of a blinding sun and palm trees at an almost magical resort poolside, with all the people you met and never saw again on vacations swimming in it.

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Eb Major: This is the key of heroes and leaders. It is triumphant but honorable. It evokes the feeling of finally completing a goal after a very long time. It exhibits loyalty and stoicism better than any other key. It is also the key of the night sky, and all the faded stars and galaxies you can see on the perfect stargazing night.

C Minor: This key has a very dark mind, but a kind heart deep down. Very intelligent but troubled. It reminds me of a chilly November morning, as cold winds rustle barren trees under an overcast sky in a little town with gothic architecture.

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E Major: Pure happiness and joy, the brightest and most magnificent key. It has many forms; A tropical paradise under the moonlight, a beautiful green Aurora over a snow-covered tundra, the greenest field under the bluest sky.

C# Minor: A snowstorm on a December afternoon when the sun has already set, turning the cloudy sky as well as all the snow a deep dusky blue. Street lights and city lights are present, illuminating the landscape’s darkness. Strangely, this key is also tropical. It has the futuristic vibe of a pool at night that is lit up blue, even though nobody is swimming in it.

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F Major: The key of autumn, of the red, orange and yellow leaves, and the crisp October chill as you sit inside your cozy home by a fire with a hot drink.

D Minor: This key is haunting, yet beautiful. It reminds me of ghosts and the full moon shining through the trees. It is also hearty, and reminds me of an old mountain man with a huge beard eating beef stew inside his log cabin, waiting waiting out the night while the wolves howl outside.

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F# Major: This key is vibrant and comforting. It smells like flowers and has sort of a radiant aura, like a neon sign in the rain, or a pink fluorescent light.

Eb Minor: On a cold and rainy March night, a nondescript man eats ramen noodles at a restaurant on the 20th floor of a Tokyo skyscraper, watching the water droplets on the window and looking down on the city below, noticing each pedestrian, imagining what each of their lives and experiences were, and how many different lives he has witnessed in that very moment, never to interact with or see again.

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G Major: This is the key of fun with friends, relaxing, and feel-good moments. It’s June, school has just been let out for the summer and it’s time to hit the beach.

E Minor: Cloudy but warm day in a city, feelings of grandiosity, can heroic but a bit show-offy.

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G# Major: A fancy banquet. All the nobles have attended in the heaviest clothing, despite it being an unbearably humid August day. They toast their drinks and sing old melodies that have been passed down for generations by each esteemed family.

F Minor: An old cemetery that is supposedly haunted, but so far the scariest thing you have found are emo tweens at a graveyard picnic, seemingly preserved in time from 2012 as you hear their crying and see their black clothes and face paint. They’re pathetic, but you can’t help but feel a little bad for them. (Disclaimer: I’m low key emo at heart myself so didn’t mean any disrespect lmao)

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It’s spring now so that means I’ve been thinking about my plans for summer camp at the parks where I work. I’ve been told by a lot of kids and parents that my camps are Better, and while I usually have no idea what to do when someone praises me I’ve come to take a lot of pride in being Good At Camp. I have many fond memories of summer camp as a kid (most of my good childhood memories, in fact) and the majority are due to what can only be described as “camp culture.” Summer camp is a world that operates differently from the ones kids know at school and at home. Some of Camp Culture is the unique rituals and games that each group of kids discovers on their own, but a lot of it is the environment that we as adults make the effort to create.

So here are some of the things I’ve learned that I do differently from other camp directors, that maybe my fellow camp directors/counselors and youth mentors can learn from!

Let kids pick their own camp names. By this I mean that on the first day, when we introduce ourselves and make name tags, I let kids decide what I and everyone else at camp will call them. About 95% of kids just stick with their name, but sometimes kids choose outlandish nicknames for themselves like Coconut or Kirby or Sharkbait, and that’s fun. More importantly, though, there are a lot of kids who don’t like their given names (for any reason, really, but special shout-out to everyone who doesn’t like their given name for Gender Reasons). These kids absolutely light up when you tell them you’ll call them whatever they tell you to call them on the first day of camp.

Bypass the stressful illusion that you’re going to maintain orderliness and instead aim for controlled chaos. For example, whether we’re hiking or walking to and from different locations, I don’t bother trying to get kids to walk in a line. There’s no real necessity for it as long as they stay with our group. Instead, we make a “counselor sandwich” where the the adults at the front and the back are the “bread” and the kids are the “sandwich fillings,” and as long as they “stay in the sandwich” I’m satisfied. There’s also the added entertainment of hearing them proudly declare what sandwich ingredient they are.

Related point: Sometimes you gotta just find an easy and inelegant solution to a problem to streamline activity transitions, etc; since we lack actual cubbies or hooks or anything at all the rec and parks camps, I designate one picnic table at each location as the Stuff Table and everyone’s backpacks and coats and water bottles go on it. Once that kind of system is in place you can designate a Stuff Tree or a Stuff Rock or a Stuff Log out on the trail, YMMV.

Under no circumstances should you force a kid to engage in a game or activity. YES they do have to stay with the group, and that might mean they have to keep hiking when they don’t want to, but NEVER EVER shame a kid for “I don’t wanna.” My only responses to I Don’t Wanna are “you don’t have to,” or in the case of a hike, where they can’t just sit on the ground nearby, “if you don’t feel up to it you can sit in the office on the cot until you feel better” (the parks and rec equivalent of an infirmary). I have had kids with anxiety and the families of kids with anxiety tell me emphatically that not being mandated to do new and intimidating activities was a huge boon to their metal health. I have watched anxious kids blossom over the course of a summer (or two or three) as they gradually gain the skills to join in and try new things. I often invite kids who are uncomfortable in this way to be a referee or to help set up the equipment for a game, and they have all appreciated the (no pressure) invitation, even if they don’t always accept the task right away.

Never underestimate the power of shouting RED LIGHT to get a kid to stop doing something inadvisable. Many kids who are completely deaf to their own name when combined with your impassioned pleas to stop running will immediately freeze upon hearing “RED LIGHT.” Bonus: other children will often join in with you in shouting it.

Whenever possible, encourage kids to resolve conflicts themselves. When I see an argument brewing, I usually remain on standby until a kid requests that I step in (unless it looks like someone is REALLY going to lose their temper and lash out). Sometimes I’ll cut in and ask, “is something wrong?” which kids are usually eager to answer. Which segues into:

Don’t force kids to say “I’m sorry.” A sulky, forced apology is meaningless and most kids recognize (and resent) this. Instead of demanding “say you’re sorry,” I usually ask the aggrieved party “what do you want to happen now/next time?” I also ask the other party what they want to happen next time, since it usually reveals what caused them to escalate the situation in the first place. Sometimes the answer IS simply “I want an apology,” but often this question leads to more constructive solutions like “I want him to give me a chance to kick the ball” or “I want her to stop calling me a Dunkaroo” or “I just want to be left alone.” I also highly recommend “just spend some time away from each other” as a viable conflict resolution for kids, though with a camp group it’s not always possible.

I allow kids to engage in conflict-inducing games that other counselors won’t by using them as an opportunity to teach my campers about consent. There are few things more adorable than watching large group of preschoolers carefully negotiate how and who they will throw water balloons at because I have told them that they MUST get permission beforehand EVERY SINGLE TIME they want to throw a water balloon at someone or they won’t be given any more water balloons. I have witnessed countless iterations of conversations like, “can I throw one at you?” “only if I can throw mine at you” “hmmm nevermind then” “okay”

This goes for most kinds of physical contact. A lot of counselors will declare No Touching Of Any Kind rules and then paradoxically initiate games of tag or sports that require mildly violent physical contact. So not only do I find “don’t touch anyone else ever” to be a ridiculously unenforceable, even psychologically unhealthy rule, I’ve also never seen it consistently implemented. The Touching Rules that I enforce all come down to “ask first even if you are trying to be nice” and “always stop if the other person doesn’t like it.” And the classic, “no kissin’ at camp,” because some kids are just a little too affectionate.