Everything Richard Armitage Knows He Learned From Robin Hood (And Here’s Why)
richard armitage! ever heard of him?
handsome lad, bit of a toff, sizeable nose, nice arse?
i mean, he’s never really done much in the public eye; he was in a little series of small indie films that you’ve probably never heard of called hobbits (or something); and then there was that show about cannibals, who even watched that thing? sounds weird. and of course he’s in a film with some nice ladies at the moment, something to do with gambling, ocean’s 8? some sort of low-budget gambling psa? it’s nice to know he’s doing his bit. anyway. the point is.
OH RIGHT. THE POINT IS THAT IF YOU HAVE EVER SEEN RICHARD ARMITAGE IN SOMETHING AND THOUGHT ‘OH CRUMBS, THAT BLOKE LOOKS QUITE NICE RIDING THAT HORSE / TAKING HIS SHIRT OFF / BROODING MANFULLY / GLOWERING AT HIS ENEMIES / WIELDING THAT SWORD / REPRESSING THAT ANGST / KISSING THAT WOMAN, I’M QUITE ENJOYING THIS ACTUALLY, MAYBE I’LL WATCH SOME MORE’
I CAN SCIENTIFICALLY GUARANTEE THAT THERE IS A 1000% PERCENT CHANCE THAT HE ALSO DOES IT IN - WAIT FOR IT - THE BBC’S TELEVISUAL SENSATION, ‘ROBIN HOOD’
AND I AM HERE TODAY TO PRESENT YOU WITH EMPIRICAL, PERFECTLY FACTCHECKED PROOF OF THAT VERY FACT, PROOF WHICH I DID VERY SERIOUS RESEARCH FOR, AND WHICH I WILL NOW SHARE WITH YOU, OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF MY HEART
AND ALSO BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO GO WATCH ROBIN HOOD.
WATCH ROBIN HOOD. THEN I WON’T HAVE TO DO THESE ANY MORE.
RICHARD ARMITAGE’S SKILL LIST, AND HOW HE LEARNED TO DO IT
what do thorin, john thornton, and john proctor have in common? TRICK QUESTION, IT’S NOT THEIR DEEP AND SOULFUL BARITONE, IT’S THEIR DEEP AND PAINFUL SEA OF ~FEEEEELINGS
pictured here: guy (right) and horse (left), both repressing their emotions
AND NOBODY DOES FEELINGS QUITE LIKE GUY OF GISBORNE
To be fair to the man, he’s got a lot of baggage:
his father was banished to a leper colony and he grew up in shame
his mother turned out to be sleeping with his rival’s father
both his parents died in a horrible fire that he feels vaguely responsible for
his long lost sister turns out to a) have Significant Baggage of her own and b) be a Homicidal Maniac
the woman he loves is in love with his rival
the one time he meets someone who actually sees some good in him, she dies horribly and in pain
the other time that happens, he accidentally* kills her in a jealous rage
his best friend (?) / employee (who he has some… strange… bisexual feelings for) betrays him by going BACK to work for his rival
all of this leads to some GOOD GOOD BACK-SMOULDERING**
pictured here: angst angst angst ANGST
**i will never tire of this quote, you hear me, NEVER
pictured here: spot the majestic™ difference
they say you should never work with children or animals! but in robin hood, richard armitage does both of those things, although - i will be honest with you here - mostly with animals, and those animals are mainly horses.
can i prove that those heady days filming in hungary taught richard a lifelong love of horses, which in turn prepared him for his star turns in the hobbit and pilgrimage? can i prove that the scene in which he sets a lion loose in sherwood forest was a direct inspiration for francis dolarhyde cuddling up to a tiger? no, i can’t, but you can’t prove they weren’t and that’s good enough for any of us.
pictured here: richard watching a woman stroke a large pussy. i don’t know what’s happening here, fannibals, and frankly, i’m not sure i want to.
in the vicar of dibley, richard plays the straight man to a very diminutive, very hammy, very melodramatic, very passionate co-star.
pictured here: totes adorbz
GUESS WHERE HE LEARNED TO DO THAT?
DID YOU GUESS ROBIN HOOD? IF NOT, I’M NOT SURE YOU’VE GRASPED WHAT I’M DOING HERE.
pictured here: slightly less adorbz
pictured here: i’m three for three on using this picture in my mg2m posts and i don’t intend to stop now
in my meticulous research for this post, i’ve turned up the following transcript of a 100% real conversation between bryan fuller and richard, it’s completely genuine and real so don’t both looking for a source because it’s so real you’ll only embarass yourself okay good
BF: Richard, heyyyy!! Have a flower crown! Are you excited to be in Hannibal?
RA: I’ve Already Started Tattooing Myself With Dragons And Eating The Works Of William Blake As An Aperitif.
BF: That would disturb most people, honestly, but I’m Bryan Fuller so I probably think that’s kind of neat and kooky.
RA: The Paper Is A Little Sharp But The Paint Gives It A Pleasant Tang
BF: Hahahah!
RA: Ha.
BF: But listen. We’ve got a lot of nudity in the upcoming season, and I just wanted to check you were okay with lovingly shot lingering closeups of your naked chest?
RA: …
BF: And also we’ll probably do some shots of you working out what you’re going to wear to go about your great quest, probably shirtless?
RA: …
BF: And if you could be brooding on your issues while you’re naked, that would be great?
RA: Bryan, I Was Born To Play This Role
pictured here: Bryan, Have You Ever Heard Of A Little Show Called ‘Robin Hood’?
in robin hood, guy thinks it’s a good idea to seal himself inside a suit of armour and gets accidentally set on fire.
in the battle of the five armies, thorin thinks it’s a good idea to seal himself inside a mountain, and gets attacked by a dragon.
in spooks, lucas north uses a gun. in robin hood, they use arrows.
arrows were a precursor to bullets.
DO I NEED TO SPELL THIS OUT FOR YOU.
ocean’s 8 is a heist movie; it’s a little known fact that every single heist movie ever created is actually an homage to robin hood s02 eo2: the booby and the beast
pictured here: you gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em
guy is a deliciously evil bad guy who works for a charismatic(?) leader who wants to rule the world (or at least nottingham) and is foiled by handsome men, at least one of whom is wielding a shield, and he routinely threatens children to get his own way!
unrelatedly, here’s heinz kruger, a hydra spy from captain america: the first avenger!
pictured here: ugh what a beautiful scumbag
guy of gisborne has a lovable but often useless lackey called allan a dale, whose defining characteristics include being cute, wishing he was better at stuff than he is, wanting to be taken seriously by his leaders, and having a really big nose.
mahal bless him, he tries.
pictured here: i’m not bein’ funny right but i think i’m getting deja vu
you may be aware that the crucible, in which richard played john proctor, is about the salem witch trials. robin hood s02 eo2: ducking and diving is about the locksley witch trials! it’s so nice he was able to put this experience to good use.
it is a well known fact that richard armitage got his role in north and south solely because of his ability to look good wearing black, something he learned in robin hood.
the fact that robin hood was filmed three years after north and south is unrelated at best and i’m frankly embarrassed on your behalf that you brought it up
nobody likes a derailer, karen
richard armitage did the narration for the great sperm race and you know how he learned all those facts about conception? by fathering an illadvised and accidental child in robin hood s01e04: parent hood! everyone thought it was weird how seriously he took it at the time, but WHO’S LAUGHING NOW?
to conclude: i have spent far too much of my life on this essay. i hope that you, my esteemed tumblr user, will agree with me that whatever richard armitage is (a Nightmare In Dad Jeans), he got there from his much-beloved, much-maligned role in robin hood -
- and that, in the spirit of the day - what day? ROBIN HOOD APPRECIATION DAY! HAVE YOU SOMEHOW MISSED WHAT WE’RE DOING HERE? I’VE BEEN NOTHING BUT FRANK WITH YOU -
- you should probably honour his sacrifice, and go and watch some robin hood on netflix. it’s what he would want. probably. it’s what i want, anyway. it’s a silly, wonderful show and you’ll love every crazy minute of it. GO WATCH ROBIN HOOD, YOU BUNCH OF FITHY INGRATES. i’ll be here, waiting for you to return, finding more shirtless gifs.
pictured here: i didn’t say which gifs.
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