F23

You thought you were in control?

CNC is not a specific kink. CNC is a category of kinks most people will encounter in their lives and does not have to be about sex.

CNC is about having informed consent to engage in activities with or make decisions for a partner at a later time, typically for decisions/activities that require consent when they occur.

The practical use case of CNC from a kink perspective is that you can create blanket rules for certain kinks ahead of time so that the dominant has the authority and the liberty to freely initiate an activity with security in the fact that the submissive will use their safeword to stop play if needed.

That authority can be used for any variety of things, from agreeing to eat a food they dislike to letting someone freely use their body for sexual pleasure. That authority would be given to the dominant because both partners have built up trust in how the dominant handles that authority.

With that being said, CNC is way more common than people realize. You have probably engaged with CNC without knowing it. Some examples of CNC include:

A person ordering for their partner at a restaurant without consulting their partner because they know what their partner wants to eat.

A dominant that will spontaneously spank their submissive whenever they want to because they know their partner enjoys feeling pain.

A person taking their partner on a date without asking or telling them where they're going because they know how much it means to them to receive a surprise.

A vanilla wife that asks her vanilla husband to just initiate sex instead of asking because she just likes it that way.

Notice that I kept the reasons why in the examples. This is where a lot of people get tripped up on the concept of CNC.

If a submissive has explicitly stated ahead of time that they want to be made to do things by the dominant, then the dominant has the authority to do those things that were specifically agreed to ahead of time, even when the sub doesn't want to. Here's why this can be okay in some scenarios and abusive in others.

The submissive always has their safeword in case of any imminent risk or injury, but outside of those scenarios may actively choose to submit to their partner's desires, even if it's uncomfortable, obstructive, or degrading. This is because a submissive has desires too (revolutionary concept, I know), and may desire to prioritize something like not having control over their own comfort and CNC gives them a framework to safely give away that control.

It's up to each individual to assess and decide their own risk profile for what comforts and autonomy they are willing to give up in that framework, i.e. soft and hard limits.

People have complex preferences in their kinks just like they do with food or entertainment. People desire to consume very spicy food that physically hurts to eat. People desire to ride rollercoasters that terrify them. People desire to go to haunted houses to be scared. People can enjoy experiencing negative sensations in a safe, controlled environment with people they trust, there is nothing abnormal about that. It is something we already do and seek out in our everyday lives. CNC just gives us words to understand how we can consent to safely experiencing those things.

Remember, if someone is convinced to do something they don't actually want to do because their partner pressures them by saying "it's CNC," that is an example of coercion. The presence of the CNC framework does not make something abusive or make it safe. What both people want matters and if somebody's wants are being disregarded, that is a problem.

CNC is just a tool, and like all other tools, it can be misused. And there is no researched evidence at this time that this particular tool is any more dangerous than what is already out there. On the contrary, all the studies I've seen show that people educated in sexuality and best practices in BDSM tend to have overall safer and more fulfilling sexual encounters.

Abuse is, at its core, forcing someone to do something they don't want to do, regardless of whether CNC is involved at all. And CNC is forcing someone to do something they don't want to do within pre-negotiated parameters because the act of forcing them is what they want while they still have access to a failsafe mechanism (a safeword) in case of emergency. And these distinctions between them makes a whole world of difference.