dezi

Everyday feels like such a struggle to stay inspired and keep going. I don’t want to make it sound like I’m ungrateful for any of the opportunities that come my my way because I was recently told by a good friend that “hardships occur to help ordinary people become extraordinary”…and none of the things worthwhile happens overnight, as much as I want it to. “When praises go up, blessings come down”… And patience is a virtue. These are all words that I was taught, but to really learn the lesson and to put it into action is the real test. It’s so hard not to give in to society’s expectations of being “successful”; being financially stable, having an awesome love life, maintaining great relationships. I’m really starting to accept that it ain’t all glitter and gold. Traveling abroad and living for all of these experiences never felt so unattainable and far away. I see my friends and family around me graduated, working, in love, starting families, all of that and it can be really tough not feeling like I have to have all of that right away. It feels like I’m nowhere near “caught up”. It feels like I’m missing out. Essentially, I’m the only one in my own way and I get why it’s hard for big dreamers to keep going, because this sh*t is hard to get past. It take a whole lot of humility, patience and motivation to do all this. It’s so incredibly easy to graduate, find a job, make money, but it’s the tough route to chase experiences and learning to live with nothing; to be working at my own given time and really being patient with what is supposed to happen for myself and not anyone else. Sometimes I honestly wish I didn’t make my goals so high as funny as it sounds; maybe i wouldn’t be in this position and I’d be content. I really feel like I’m going nowhere sometimes (when I know that’s not true)…all of the opportunities I’ve been given, I do my best to take and it seems like sometimes it’s a step back! I hate that this sounds so ungrateful because I know at the end of the day I am blessed. It’s the fight in my own mind that’s the toughest one to win…to filter out what isn’t beneficial to me even though it hurts, to let go of my past, to break bad habits, to forgive, to be selfless and to remember that it’s not all about me; those are the real internal battle and insecurities that I need to get over.

"He who works with his hands is a laborer. He who works with his hands and his head is a craftsman. He who works with his hands and his head and his heart is an artist." - St. Francis of Assisi

This quote was posted on my good friend John Manalo’s Facebook, who was joyously received in Heaven about four years ago (same year as my mom: 2011). I hate for it to be cliche, but autumn/winter is always the time I spend reflecting on where I am, where I was, and where I want to be. More specifically, WHO I want to be and how to portray myself genuinely, fully, wholeheartedly. John’s excerpt from his eulogy pretty much sums it all up: 

Johnny labeled himself as "NOT HALF HEARTED." On his website, he describes how he came up with this motto: "His passion for art, love for people, and being born with a heart condition has molded into an idea he calls NOTHALFHEARTED - never serving without giving your all and living to your fullest potential." This is exactly what he did during his life here on earth.  We're sure that he is doing the same and giving his all as he worships in Heaven among angels! John is also quoted on his facebook page saying, "Christ in me is all I need." His life was full of fruit that clearly displayed that he was SOLD OUT for God.  John touched many lives and inspired all those around him. 

To me, I find this so admirable because it’s extremely hard to attain. Not many people have the will it takes to live with such passion and fullness. It really motivates me to evaluate my own life and how I can be that kind of influence for others, because at the end of the day, it’s what many people will remember me by. 

Lately, I feel like I’ve been in a place of mediocrity; thankful, but lukewarm...and that is something I’ve been in fear of. I dread for the day that I live in mediocrity because, at least in my opinion, that sort of comfortability is a gateway to laziness, and later it eventually becomes an unwillingness to put myself in others shoes to remember what it’s like to have nothing. I am indeed blessed to have what I have and to be offered the opportunities to live a comfortable life, but I never want to forget what I went through that got me here. I never want there to be an excuse for me not to reach out to others who need it or to inspire those who lack passion. 

It’s unfortunate, but I’ve realized that I know a lot of people who have much, but tend to give little...who have the means to do something great, but refuse to because they’re afraid to leave their place of comfort. With another year coming to a close, I am humbled and grateful for the many experiences I had...and with another year ahead, I only hope to challenge myself 10 times more and gain the strength and courage needed to give myself “not half hearted”, but wholeheartedly. Slowly, I hope to be molded into the courageous and bold person I’m meant to be. That is the person that I want to be remembered by. 

Something I’ve always kept in heart: