Through My Blurry Vision.

You know honestly I think I’ve been avoiding writing this, but truly anything for a while. I used to write any time I felt the heaviness of life and I guess back then, heavy was nothing compared to what I feel now. I’ve been trying to heal for a while now, my head, my heart, my family, my existence. Life these past few years have been filled with of course both wonderful experiences and at the same time years of sadness. My family fell apart in such a visible and heartbreaking way. Maybe it felt slow at the time but in hindsight it crumbled so fast before I could scoop it up and put it back together. Like sand running through your fingers, it’s beautiful, soft, and yet it cannot be stopped. I miss my life deeply. I miss my grandma who helped raise me most of my life, who would have done anything to make her grandchildren smile. She was the glue to our family and the day my Grandpa was unable to stay in this life, her broken heart couldn’t keep her here. She fell so deep into a depression she never really came out, her mind took her memories and scrambled them all up to protect her poor heart. I took so many years for granted with her. All the laughs and the memories will be so precious to me for the rest of my life. My poor mom takes care of her everyday and watches her slip away every single day. The worst part is they don’t recognize each other anymore. I just want so badly for my loved ones to have a good life, I don’t want to watch them unhappy for another second, I wish I could fix everything and instead I know how to fix nothing. How do I pick myself back up and want for a “normal” life when nothing around me feels normal? So much hurt, I just want help. I’ve always known this life can be wonderful, but I didn’t know how awful it could be. Even now, I’m more at peace with death than I am with knowing you can have a horrible existence. Life keeps passing me by but my eyes burn with pictures of my past. Everyday it feels I push people further away to survive this sadness. I’ll never really understand.