No Longer Human

|| Indefinite hiatus.. 

As much as I love this fandom, I have zero interest writing Dazai (or any other bsd character) at the moment, so I am going on a hiatus and chances are I actually won’t return. 

                    “Oh, do forgive me. I didn’t mean to.” The spirit pulled both hands away. Attempting to take a step back to give the man space. Byakko had become used to getting in close to Dazai and had thought nothing of it. “I assure you Dazai I would never harm you.” He would stay back now though.

           The affirmation is merely a sound. Short since the ‘question’ seemed rhetorical. To steady the man’s nerves a hand laid over one that clung to his clothing.

                      “The forest,” soft and low the spirit’s words poured out as the scent was drank in. “Wood and moss, shadows and hidden life”

He wondered what shadows and hidden life smelled like.. Did things like that have a scent as well? Or perhaps it was linked with familiar smells? When Dazai thought of the sun, he remembered the scent of burning sand. That was what he assumed the sun would smell like... but what about shadows?

           “Of course. You have always been. Is there a better word I should use instead?” Dazai seemed shocked at the words he had used. Was it wrong? Byakko knew all about smells though. Heighten senses had always been a perk. So he leans in, nose brushing messy brown strands.

          “There may be plenty of humans but you certainly have always smelled different from them too. Nice, warm.”

             “That can’t be right. You aren’t big or round but you’re also comfortable.”

              “Buff, big, round.” Byakko glanced at his arm where the hand patted. “Is that a good thing?” 

          It just seemed like he needed it. The words were so strange. Not unlike him but rarely spoken aloud like that. “Buff? What do you mean?” This was not a word he knew.

Leave it to a tiger to come and wrap his arms around solemn shoulders.

Crab? Crab! He liked that. “That’s very thoughtful of you, Byakko~” he mused as he let him through. “I wasn’t sure what to get you, to be honest with you,” he then continued, putting the bento and sake on the table. 

He knew the tradition behind chocolate in Japan (as it was apparently different in the rest of the world). There was giri chocolate, meant for those one had no romantic attachments too, and then there was honmei chocolate, meant for a romantic confession, lover, husband and so forth. It was usually women who did this, so it did make Dazai feel odd as he had no idea how this would turn out or why he was really doing this (odd to be thrown into the unknown, he thought). Perhaps he did want to clarify something. 

Dazai handed Byakko a small box, shifting uncomfortably on his feet. His face was smiling however, not wanting to betray the nerves he was actually feeling. Inside the box were a few chocolates (lesser amount because these turned out to be quite expensive). 

      Was there meaning to it? No matter how gifted an individual is, they can always be replaced. Loss, tangible but not sempiternal, following death was more present than the actual dying. What is dead, is gone. The living remain in their wake. Whether the dead die twice is principally determined by its remnant pieces. 

      “To die beautifully is to die by one’s own volition?” A cause worth dying for, its criteria, reversed the adherer‘s inherent instinct. Where does the blame fall? Who planted the seed?What is dead, is gone. Whether the dead are honored or butchered is principally determined by its remnant pieces. 

      “If…you accomplish what you ‘wanted to do’, then,” He looked down, falling silent for a moment. “What must you do before you die?” 

   “When children are taught something, they are taught the value of the lesson, the meaning behind that which they learn.. and why they have to learn it. When they know the answers to these questions, they accomplish far more than one who merely recites books and follows instructions in great detail. He, who learns to walk by himself, find meaning by himself.. is an accomplished man.” 

                it is just as one would expect from the prodigy : questions asked about himself in relation to the past, the present, comparisons between the two meaningless concepts — for which Akutagawa CAN’T build up enough courage to give an answer deemed proper. a firm response – in all its absolute negativeness – is missing upon recalling the outrageous number of times he watched his own blood splatter across the cold concrete. the strength of his fearsome ability barely helped, for if it could be summoned in the most masterful of manners… the toll it took on the psyche remained unmatched.

                ❝ you are not — ❞ dainty crescents hide in the black of his pants, ❝ — really surprised. I know why you agreed to this. ❞

                it does not mean, for a single moment, that the mafioso despises it. scars will not fix themselves ; some scars do not ever disappear, and who’s to say he has forgiven the detective at all? most of him would take that loathing to the grave and curse the traitor who left his rightful home too early. should Dazai succeed and die first, his ex-pupil would crawl along and tear all the flowers tossed onto the hollow carcass. however…

                … it is, after all, thanks to the directions taken that he has made it this far ; only wicked fools would be so lost in their own ignorance that they fail to recognize true power once they see it. so hesitate he does, an attitude so rarely adopted when in the presence of others. ❝ … I have yet to fulfill your expectations. ❞

         @detortum / CONT .

As a matter of fact, Akutagawa never failed to surprise him. Or perhaps that was the wrong word? Perhaps he was often astonished by what Akutagawa accomplished over the years? Or simply the fact how willing he was to absorb the lessons heard and mixing it with his strength and experience? 

Akutagawa always had great potential. Dazai wondered how different the boy would have been had he led a different life. Would he have been stronger? Or missing out on opportunities to become stronger, be it physically and mentally? 

Despite his growth, he still clung to the mentor it seemed. He yet wanted to gain that which he missed out on in the past. However, once that was over, what would happen then? 

   “That was what we agreed on, yes.” 

Did that thought displease him? Wouldn’t he be happy to be independent again after these six months? Dazai thought the promise would be bothersome to Akutagawa, but apparently the training itself.. he seemed not to mind as much. 

Waiting for the target as they were seated in the park, Dazai hid his hands within the pockets of his trenchcoat and crossed his legs. 

   “I’m surprised to hear it from Akutagawa-kun. After all I did in the past, what is different now? Do I really treat you better?” He knew he changed his ways to an extent, but scars would always be that, scars. “You do deserve this at least, I suppose..” Which was what one would call ‘morally good’? It didn’t take away what he did in the past, but creating different memories.. would it help somehow? Or was it too late? 

@detortum said they wanted to deal with this loser.

it would only take a minute to see if the rain outside has stopped : an effort ( perhaps more of one, in fact, given the weak physique and lethargic condition ) to climb and look over the unstable crates for the cue that it is all right to go outside. not for long, it wouldn’t have to be long at all— he must admit the air inside the warehouse is stale and could improve some, though. at the very least, it was acceptable enough a roof over his head… a luxury in itself and a wonderful shelter from the storm that barely allowed him a little rest hours before. so, before imagination takes on the shape of reality, it’s just him : alone with not a thought nor solace, but his own physical self.

` lonely ` is not a word whose meaning he knows well, and perhaps those who aren’t him would take a life or two if it meant they could taste that sort of oblivion instead. now he recognizes the silhouette the moment it comes within sight, and he’s filled with a hint of repulsion and a need to disregard the man.

( wouldn’t it have been better if he hopped off the crate and left when he had the chance to? before engaging in unfulfilled scenarios? )

❝ … go away, ❞ yozo’s tone is even, despite the message behind his words. ❝ I don’t want to talk to you. ❞

    “You should find a different hiding spot, Yozo. The warehouse again? What about it fascinates you so much?” 

Was it the lonely vibe the warehouse gave off during the night when no one seemed to be around? Or the quietness all around, except for raging sea nearby? Perhaps that was comforting in a way, at least to himself. However, to the ability? How alike were they in their thinking? Or how different were they? Perhaps the latter was a better posed question. 

There was no smile present to decorate his features, no joy apparent as he stared neutrally at the being. He didn’t feel the need to. Yozo, after all, knew what he truly was.