To protect and to swerve

I’ve decided to take a semi-hiatus until mid-May in order to make things run more smoothly at work and avoid that feeling of being over-whelmed or having too much to think about.

I will be on as much as I can, but I also need to take more time to prep units, and take time for myself.

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[pm] Wait, are you mad at me? For getting in an accident? It wasn’t my fault. That’s why it’s called an accident. 

I can remember some things. I just hit my head, probably have a concussion. It’s really no big deal. I can’t remember what I did this morning but I’m kind used to the blackouts by now I’m somewhere safe, recovering. I’ll be fine.

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[pm] You shouldn’t even have been there in the first place ! You could have died Marley. You can’t die !

I was so scared, and then I heard that you weren’t in the hospital anymore? How do you think that made me feel?

That doesn’t sound like a small deal. Probably? Your doctor didn’t tell you if you had one ? You’re not able to see in the future. You could have internal bleeding and not even know it. Such a good doctor you’ve got.

Fine.

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[pm] Shit. Do you know how it happened? I just remember being on the phone with you, then waking up somewhere strange in the hospital. Uh, rare blood condition. My private doctor knows all about it, but I can’t exactly be in hospitals cause of it. Hence the leaving. You can call her, if you want. Name’s Queenie Lin-King. [user insert’s Queenie’s phone #] So don’t worry about it anymore. Everything’s good.

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[pm] I wouldn’t know. What I know is that you shouldn’t even have been in that car to begin with. I hope it was worth it.

Huh uh. And my mom dates John Mulaney.

Are you like Lydia? Are you da

You’re being weird.

I’ll give her a call. Everything’s good except that you can’t remember a damn thing, Marley. This is serious. You lost a lot of blood.

[pm] What the fuck. Right, smart. Like science and shit. You got a fire extinguisher just in case?

Okay, um. So what is it that Should we just not mention it then? Do you need…other stuff? Why would she do something like that? What kinda person does that? 

Is that another reference? Should I know who It’s a good name though. Buster.

[pm] Science and shit, that’s us.

There must be one per building floor, I guess. I probably should get one of my own though.

Heh, I’ll manage to handle it. I just need some time I guess. I’ll let you know if it gets too much.

Because obviously if I cry once, I’ll need tissues that will last me a life time of crying everyday for hours. She’s weird, what do you want me to say. I’m not sure she knows that she’s weird.

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Huh. That’s a little suspicious, don’t you think? You’re a lobster region but this is a crab permit. Maybe whoever’s behind this isn’t from White Crest? Maybe they hate the White Crest lobsters? Or maybe they’re just too into crabs. I’m not really much of a festival person. What’s fun to do there? Anything you’d recommend to eat?

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I don’t find that suspicious. If I was a crab restaurant owner, I’d try to make sure people knew my crabs are better than lobsters. 

I can’t say, I haven’t been this year. I didn’t really have the right mindset for it. Maybe next time. Although if you ask me, anything you can eat is worth trying. Except mime food. Always reject mime food.

[pm] 1. I’m not human, 2. I’m not human, 3. What do you mean? I don’t remember what happened. Can you fill me in?

[pm] You were in a car accident. You hit your head badly, you had blood all over you. It was blue. Why was it blue? I googled it, and either you’re a smurf or a horseshoe crab. So, again: what the fuck.

[pm] Don’t call me gir Ah. That’s fucking creepy. So magic or What if you soak them in water? they would be wet so… I’ve gotten pretty decent at putting out fires now if you need 

I don’t know if you’re being Alright. So it’s not one of those things when you say something but mean another, right? Wouldn’t judge if you cried a lot. Wait, then…wouldn’t your coworker be the one doing this shit?   

Hope so. You gave him a name or something?

[pm]  I had to rush back home to get them off my bed. They managed to deliver them in my bedroom while I was away. That’s fucking terrifying. I just put them in a closed container. No fire if they don’t have enough air, though your solution is good too. I would even say it’s better.

.... Maybe it is. She subscribed me for it, but I don’t know if I wanna talk to her right now. Maybe you could talk to her for me

It’s true,

Once my goat ate my dog and I decided exile was the only answer

Publié à l'origine par richdifeo

So I shipped my goat to London express

-But the EVERY WEEK the goat would come back in a box

No matter how many times I tried to cancel the domestic dispute goat they kept coming back!

Eventually I just had to accept the dog eating goat back into my life

I guess we all have a dogeater in our lives that we just have to make peace with.

Best of luck with yours

[user considers blocking “wizcheese”]

[pm] Okay, that’s fucked up. Like, that’s really fucked up. 

Pain and anguish is where it’s at. It’s not a real party unless everyone feels like shit, you know?

Be careful what you wish for with that one. They could always give you something worse than tissues. And the mayo felt so fucking weird. Like, really gross. Possibly white goo tissue gross.

Lmao I wish fucking demons was the worst thing that’s happened to me. I mean, hey, I’ve seen some pretty fucked up shit in this town, right? That was definitely top five, though.

[pm] Tell me about it. You have to be sick to come up with concepts like those. I don’t know how they do it, but to know that someone troubled themselves to conceive this? That’s just wrong.

I see you are from the Party 24/7 team too.

Mmm, good advice. I’ve been told it’s not good to make wishes and promises. Oh no. I don’t want to touch more of that tissue goo.

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Oh? What would the crab permit be advertising? Does this town have a seafood restaurant that specializes in crab? Maybe this is their crab mascot? Hmm. I can go for some crab, though. It’s been a while. OMG A CRAB FESTIVAL??? [user has attached 10 crab emojis]

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We have a seafood restaurant, although we’re more a lobster region than a crab region.

[pm] What? What do you mean they melted? I get that tissues are kinda flimsy, but they don’t melt.

There’s no fun there at all. Chocolate inspires joy. We’re not here to inspire joy.

I wish I was messing with you. Sometimes I think it was, like, a fever dream? But it was pretty fucking real. It happened. It was creepy. There was a contract that had to be signed.

Super fucked, super wrong, but also super, super real.

[pm] Melted. They turned into this kind of white goo. Gross. Disgusting. Goo. It was almost as if it had been designed with the sole purpose of making me feel sick.

Right? That would be so lame. Pain and anguish? Now we’re talking.

I’ll sign any damn contract if this means I’m not seeing another unwanted tissue for the rest of my life. I am not afraid of their mayo either.

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I got this weird crab permit thing, and I didn’t ask for it, if that helps? It’s just the first week, though, so hopefully I don’t get worse things though if they’re hilarious why not. [user has randomly attached the address and phone number of BUG BUSTERS PEST CONTROL SOLUTIONS]

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Oh, you too? Well I’m glad it’s not just me. [user checks the White Crest forum for more of these] Huh, sounds like the whole town received those crab flyers.

Wait a second, is this some sort of elaborate advert?

[pm] Okay, fair. I had more salt at my house than I think exist in North America. It was something. And…. self-immolating tissues. That’s?… What?

But then they’d be useful, and we can’t have that shit.

Well, uh, we went to the, like, headquarters, and there was this weird office space, right? So there was some contract signing, and they wanted us to stick our hands in a thing of fucking mayo. And I write all of this knowing that it sounds fucked, and I hate how fucked it sounds.

[pm] I also had tissues that melt when you try to use them. It was gross. Worst part was getting those out of my front yard.

Oh no, we can’t have that. We have to be miserable. What’s the fun in getting delicious chocolate?

They have headquarters? Where? Is it like, the restaurant? I could go this afternoon and get this over with.

... I’m sorry what? Why would they need you to do that? Are you messing with me? You’re messing with me. You never got salt delivered to you, did you? ARE YOU  THIS IS NOT FUNNY YOU

[pm] I didn’t need industrial quantities of salt. That was the problem. The shit just kept getting sent to my apartment. I wanted to cry.

Okay, fair. Could I also suggest chocolate? Chocolate is a good comfort food.

Huh. Who? Nope I don’t want to know I already know Huh. I’m so sorry. I’d say it gets better, but, like, they take such sick fucking joy out of this shit. Fucking mimey bastards. 

[pm] I didn’t say you did. I was wondering who could. You did say that you managed to make it stop. Sounds like you could have used my self immolating tissues then. I don’t know how that even works.

That’s true. I probably could use some. They could have shipped me chocolate instead.

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[pm] Well there’s also, like, probably demons, but Yeah, yeah, mostly the fucking mimes. I used to get salt. In large quantities.

Bacon is good, totally. Absolutely. Do what helps you cope.

Did anyone sign you up for these weird subscriptions? Please don’t be Regan. No it’s not all Regan Like, that you’re aware of?

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[pm] I can’t believe I ever tried to defend them. Those ungrateful fucks.

Salt. Why would anyone need industrial quantities of salt? I mean, the town this winter did, but.

You really don’t want me to be drunk. It gets disastrous. Bacon is safe, comforting, tasty, perfect.