wild musings

I want to be intimate with you.

I know we’re strangers, but I want to lie beside you and dive into your innermost thoughts. I want to make sense of your tangled words so I can finally figure you out. I want to hear you talk about your dreams and everything you want to do before you’re forty. Keep me awake until the wee hours of the morning and let’s share the sweet mediocrity of 2:00am.

I want to buy your favorite ice cream flavor without the need of asking which one I should get. I want to experience giving you the first bite of my food because I saw how you eyed it as the waiter brought it to me. I’ll drink two unnecessary mugs of coffee in the morning because you didn’t see the first one I made and you got up to fix me a cup. Make fun of me and drown me in laughter. Let’s create fake dialogues with our dogs and let’s get matching shirts. Hold my hand when we cross the street and use my shoulder to rest your head on.

It was a fateful Thursday night when our story began;

In the midst of the chaotic world and our even more chaotic minds,

Across worn out tables of drunk and ecstatic people,

Right in the middle of liquor bottles and sea of cigarette smoke,

I found the person I want to be with for the rest of my days.

Our innocent smiles and silent conversations

Were passionate strings slowly weaving with each other;

Souls dancing in the faint light of judgement.

The loud music was no longer, laughs became inaudible,

You were all I see and hear, the next thing I knew.

Everything was still, everyone fell through ,

The abyss I created, so there only will be me and you.

Nothing else mattered but your eyes, your soft breath against my neck;

And the overwhelming wish that you'd be waiting,

By your phone, for my call, the next day.

That story continued; beyond that night, beyond those words,

You caught me in your arms when I decided to jump.

From there to here, from then and now,

I will go back to that fateful Thursday night,

Marami nang nagsabing mapait at nakakahilo ang alak Pero patuloy ka pa ring nagpapakalango at umuuwing sumusuray-suray.

Marami nang namatay dahil sa sigarilyo Pero patuloy ka pa ring humihithit at sunud-sunod pa rin ang sindi.

Marami nang nasirang buhay ang droga Pero heto ka't adik at maligaya sa huwad na tuwa sa ibang dimensyon.

To My Bestfriend

This is a eulogy that will never make it to the podium of the church. This will never be said in front of your dear family and our old friends. This will never be published in the obituaries or something that would be written in a book. This is a eulogy that I never thought I'd make.

I never claimed to be your best friend although I certainly feel like you're mine. Best friends bond often; they see each other every weekend or if there's a good movie to watch. They party together, tell each other's secrets, cry together over heart breaks, share everything, and knows each other's likes and dislikes. We were never that kind of best friends. We grew up together but I never really knew who your first crush was or what shirt size do you use, or what ice cream flavor are you disgusted with. We've spent thousands of days with each other but I never really knew if you prefer coffee over chocolate, or if you like ketchup with your fries, or if you like the egg beaten or sunny side-up. We know each other well but I don't know if blue is still your favorite color, or what courses you found hard in college, or if you had a girlfriend. I don't even know if you like the sun better than the rain. I can't even figure if you're happy or if something's wrong because it's always hard to tell with you.

I do know certain stuff, though. I know that you like laying your head on my lap as much as I do. I know how you smell. I know that you keep on fixing our stuff in the locker that we shared in high school because if I'm to put our things there, it wouldn't fit at all. I know that you prefer sweeping the classroom floor than erasing the board. I know that you once slept behind my desk one time because you were so tired from volleyball and you don't want to be in class but you have to. I know that you can always beat me in our little game back in grade school where we crawl under the chairs that we lined up and try to crawl faster than the other. I know that you're my automatic seatmate during field trips. I know that you would offer me first bite of every food that you have. I know that you once barged into our house a Saturday morning while I was sleeping to cook me breakfast and help me clean. I know that you're a good person and you would never speak ill of anybody no matter how pissed off are you with them. You were my first and last dance at prom.  

I know I like playing with your hair while you sleep. I know I like looking at your beautiful hands. I know I liked lending you my homework and let you copy it. I know I liked it when you gave me gifts on Valentine's day without me expecting anything from you. I know I loved smelling your shirt whether it's new or drenched in your sweat. I know I felt very happy when you hugged me during that retreat in Baguio and you just held my hand and didn't even say a word although you're supposed to say something. I know you were my first love. I know I felt jealous when you started getting close with our other friends. I can't remember why but I know I was crying when we were dancing in prom. I know I'm happy every time you ask me to watch a movie with you. I still kept the letter you gave me saying you were sorry about stuff and that our friendship will last a lifetime, along with Swift's album and the purple teddy bear. I never deleted the last thread that we have on my phone when you said you wanted to go to our house because you have nothing better to do. And I know that there is nothing I regret more than being a coward and not being there with you in the hospital when you needed friends the most. I wanted to do something for you, to ease your pain or take your sickness away but I never went because I'm afraid of what I'll see. I'm sorry for not wanting to see you like that because I don't want to remember you that way. I don't want the time to come that when I hear your name, I will remember the hospital bed and gowns, the beep of a machine I don’t even know how works, or the smell of something sterile. I wanted to remember you the way you always looked; that shy and awkward person who turned into a selfless, independent man.

There is just one thing I wanted you to know; that I loved the little kid that you were, I loved the boy you turned into, and I will always love the man that you have become. And most importantly, I want you to know that you'll always have a place in my heart.

Greatest Tragedy

Our languorous steps towards wanting; The lackadaisical men we have become. Our listless eyes wandering around an ocean of strangers; The spiritless spirits we failed to overcome.

Past broken, beyond wretched; Our bodies incarcerated in the cold. Waist deep in thought and making sense Of the overwhelming new replacing the old.

Dreamless sleep and sleeping dreams, We have become empty whiskey bottles. Without meaning, without reason, Spring flowers blooming out rotten.

Would You?