Belle

It’s one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced. Except it’s not a “new someone”, it’s her ex-girlfriend before me. Watching her fall out of love with ME and back in love with HER.

She’s my first love and I honestly thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her.

I’ve tried to get over her, but I can’t. And it’s hard because she got over me so fast and it makes me wonder just HOW LONG before she broke up with me did she lose her feelings for me.

I’ve been so lost the last five months, and my emotions are so unstable. I’m angry, anxious, depressed etc. I’m EXHAUSTED.

Crying myself to sleep

Taking my anger out on anything and anyone

I feel no remorse for it

I’m heartbroken

I feel nothing else

And her?

She seams okay

Like nothing is wrong

Like what we had never happened

Now I can’t speak for her

I don’t know what’s going on in her head

I mean everybody leaves.

I get comfortable and happy and then they decide to leave.

It’s why I don’t have many friends, but she’s my friend now.

Except she will probably leave me too, and I can’t stop her because she’s her own person

Said she still loves me

But that she just needs to be single right now

She still wants to be friends and hang out

Says she’s not trying to hurt me

Well guess what? You did

She wants me to get tinder, so I can find people to hook up with

Which feels like she’s pushing me away

Like there’s no chance of us getting back together because you know…

They were together for five years

How can she not understand why I get jealous and emotional

She tried to compare it to a friendship

But the thing it…

My friend and I didn’t share kisses

We didn’t share a bed

Or plan on building a life together

We are just friends

She’ll read them and not respond

But her ex?

She’ll answer those almost immediately

Only when she feels like it

Only when she’s drunk

When she’s lonely at night

So why assume my emotions without asking me anything?

They’re your family..

I would never be mad at you for spending time with them

The only reason I would be upset is because I’m feeling left out

But I can’t tell you that

You’ll say I’m overthinking it

Or that “maybe you should get days off with me”

Guess what?

I do, every other weekend that matches yours

And we have yet to make plans on those days

You need your space? You got it

You need time to get your head straight? Absolutely

But please put yourself in my shoes and tell me how you would feel

If the person you loved

Who you lived with for six months

Said that they needed space

Needed you to move out

Without any reason other than that they needed to get mentally okay

~~~~

I’ve seen you on your worst day

I’ve seen you on your best

And when you’re not feeling mentally stable

Filled with anger

Anger you don’t even know where it’s stemming from

You push me away

I know anger

I’ve seen it my whole life

I’m not a scared little girl anymore

I’m a woman who can stand up for herself

I may get tears in my eyes

But it’s not out of horror, or hurt

Probably with your mom and ex

I’m at work

We never do anything like that

Just stay at your house

Doing nothing

Beginning

Heavy touching

Lustful looks

Intimate evenings

Joyful laughter

You listen when my emotions are high

My clinginess is cute

What is it about me, that made her “choose” me

She said it was my eyes

And that she hasn’t been able to look me in the eyes since she met me

And my personality makes her feel like she HAS to get to know me

And that she’s drawn to me

We’ve known each other for months

And it took me until now to notice that she never really has looked me in the eyes until now