Doug and Skeeter are bored. Theyâre tossing a football around, and neither of them can think of anything to do. A commercial quickly grabs their attention, because it almost isnât even an episode of Doug unless something on television triggers the plot.
This time itâs a commercial for a new movie called Targetman. Targetman looks like a shitty mess. Targetmanâs catch phrase is âdead on.â The commercial says it has the highest body count in movie history. Thereâs a scene where Targetman shoots a few buildings in half to apparently make them collapse onto his enemies. The whole commercial is explosions, guns firing, motorcycles and robots andâŚitâs just looks like a shitty mess. Naturally, Doug and Skeeter canât wait to see it.
So, this episode is weird. Iâm going to blame Dougâs unreliable narration for the weirdness. The commercial specifically mentions that Targetman is coming soon. Throughout, as youâll see, some people talk about Targetman as if they canât wait until it comes out, while others talk about it as if theyâve already seen it.
The day after seeing the commercial, Doug is walking to school and says, âfor some reason, I couldnât stop thinking about Targetman.â On his way, he is overwhelmed with advertising for the movie. Thereâs ads on buses, billboards, a blimp shaped like a gun, and this man selling bullet hole donuts in a really quite shitty Targetman costume.
At school, Doug and Skeeter are the only people dressed in their normal clothes. Everyone else is wearing Targetman shit. Connie says itâs the greatest movie ever because the star is such a hunk.
Get it, Connie.
Skunky says, âno, man. Itâs because Targetman is the dude with âtude.â
Roger says, âitâs the coolest because Inside Entertainment said it had the highest weekend grosses all month!â
Beebe says, âno, itâs because tickets cost twice as much as any movie ever!â
Doug ends this exceedingly dumb argument by saying, âI canât wait to see it because Targetman is dead on!â Everyone joins him when he says âdead onâ and itâs like a moment between them. Theyâll remember it forever, especially Skunky. Itâs all downhill from here for him.
And this is where the episode really starts the weirdness. Skeeter asks the group if they heard about the best scene in the movie. He begins, âTargetman, a really good looking fellow, is trapped in a burning building by about a gillion bad guys.â
What happens in the scene isnât important. Some things explode. Some shots are fired. Things happen and if this is the best scene in the movie, the movie is incomprehensible garbage. Whatâs important here is that Skeeter is Targetman in this scene. Why?
After Skeeterâs description of the scene, everyone says in unison, âwow, dead on!â
In Shop class, Doug and Skeeter keep discussing the movie and the Messrs Heaver chime in with their own opinions on the movie. One is for it and one is against it. Thereâs no need to discuss this scene further.
In Band class, thereâs just no set up for this at all. We arenât shown what prompted the teacher to start shouting about how itâs a great picture. That is just how the scene starts.
This is how he looks before he says, âTargetmanâs such a good looking fellow!â
The contents of this scene are a little more important than when Skeeter was Targetman, because theyâre actually pretty creepy. So, Targetman is surrounded by enemies and he yells, âDROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY!â They immediately start doing pushups and before you can ask, âwhat is going to happen in twenty seconds when the massive army of bad guy finishes doing twenty pushups?â a previously unseen woman steps up to Band Director Targetman and says, âkiss me, Target.â Then we fade back into reality, the band director blushes and shudders creepily.
Skeeter says, âmaybe this isnât such a great movie after all.â
Later at Mr. Swirly, Al and Moo are playing with Targetman action figures.
Skeeter and Doug approach them because Targetman. Skeeter asks where they got the action figures. One of them replies, âtheyâre free with every family values pack.â The other brother then describes the coolest scene, where Targetman and his sidekick, Other Guy, have to find the codeword to open a fireproof vault.
And again, the characters are replaced with the person/people describing the scene. Again, the scene is not important. Thereâs a cheese joke, a pi/pie joke, and Targetman and Other Guy survive.
On the way home, Skeeter and Doug start pretending theyâre fighting like theyâre in a movie they havenât seen yet.
They end up on the ground as Patti walks up. She asks if theyâre alright and Skeeter replies, âsure. Weâre just doinâ Targetman stuff.â Doug asks if sheâs going to see it this weekend.
She replies, âI donât think so. Doesnât sound like my kind of movie.â
Doug, smart as ever, says, âmust be too mature for her,â then he restarts the mature Targetman stuff he and Skeeter were engaging in before she so rudely interrupted with her immaturity.
A few seconds later they split up, heading for home. Doug then runs into Roger and his goons. Boomer bets Doug hasnât seen the movie yet.
Roger taunts him because he probably has to ask mommy and daddy for permission. Doug fights back, arguing that Roger probably has to ask his parents too. Roger says, âget a clue. My dadâs a clown. Heâs lived in Bloatsburg for 6 years!â Doug apologizes for forgetting his parents are divorced. Roger says he doesnât care because at least heâll get to see the movie.
At dinner, Doug tells everyone that heâll be seeing the movie with Skeeter on Saturday.
Judy rants about the movie being a macho, mysoginist explosion fest, and Doug doesnât understand her point. Phil and Theda chime in, saying theyâve actually researched this movie because they knew he would want to see it, and they think itâs just far too violent and mature for him to see it. This must be the one time this year where they feel obligated to be responsible parents. Doug is pissed.
In his room, after punching his pillow several times, Doug lays on his bed and has his own Targetman fantasy. In this one, a media pundit has captured the president, strapped him to a rocket, and is threatening to push the button that will launch the rocket.
The fantasy doesnât go into how or why heâd be launching the rocket from inside the Oval Office, but thatâs where they are so just go with it. Finally we get to the Doug part. Itâs actually a musical. Three singers sing something I canât make out. Doug sings, âIâm big. Iâm Doug. Iâm big Dougman.â
Heâs not Targetman? Heâs Dougman? Before Dougman can save the president, Theda stops him because itâs nap time.
Doug is pissed because theyâre treating him like a baby.
âThey havenât even seen the movie. How can they say itâs bad? And what about freedom of speech? What about my first amendment rights? What does this country stand for if I canât go see Targetman?â Porkchop doesnât want to hear any of this shit. Doug determines to go settle this with his parents right now.
Doug marches over to his parents room where they are preparing for the baby and listening to talk radio.
Theyâre listening to Bob Whiteâs show.
Before Doug embarrasses himself by confronting his parents with bad arguments, he hears that Bob Whiteâs show today is about Targetman and theyâre taking calls. Doug is brilliantâŚ
He says his name is Steve and he says, âas a person with a really mature outlook on life, everyone should let their kids see Targetman. I mean, how else are they going to make mature judgements about mature stuff and grow up to be really matureâŚlike me?â
Then Judy interrupts.
She needs Doug to hang up the phone because she needs to schedule an important rehearsal. Judy is the worst. Not that Doug was making a great argument that would have convinced even his shitty parents, but Judy doesnât really need to use the phone right now. It could wait a few minutes. Fuck off, Judy. Anyway, nothing really comes of this scene. Phil and Theda hear the whole thing over the radio and theyâre just mildly confused by it.
The next scene might be my favorite in the Disney series so far. At Rogerâs house, the doorbell ring and he runs down the starts yelling, âalright! Dadâs here!â
He opens the door, saying, âheya, big clown!â
Yes, Rogerâs dad is actually a clown. Earlier, when he said he was a clown that lived in Bloatsburg, you might have thought this was just a kidâs showâs way of having Roger call his father a fucking asshole, but you might have been wrong.
Thereâs just so much going on in this scene. Itâs probably the most tragic scene in the entire series. His father has been living in Bloatsburg for 6 years. He comments on how much Roger has grown, indicating that he really hasnât seen him often. Heâs sort of a deadbeat. Yet he makes his living as a clown, which really, is there any purpose for a clown other than to entertain children (at least, the children that arenât frightened of clowns)? He makes jokes throughout, presumably so Roger doesnât have time to ask real questions like, âhow come you donât come around more often?â or âhow can you make a living entertaining children while abandoning me?â Instead, he gets a surrealist joke and a balloon animal. Like heâs 5 years old. He suggests they go see Targetman and his dad says he heard itâs pretty violent before suggesting another movie. Roger dismisses the other movie as a kidsâ movie. His dad says heâd have to go see it himself first, to make sure itâs appropriate for someone Rogerâs age.
Back at the Funniesâ, Doug has an idea so dumb only a twelve year old kid could come up with it. âWell, Porkchop, if they wonât listen to me, I wonât talk to them?â
Phil tries to show Doug a new rocking chair he bought for Theda, then asks for the seat cushion. Doug is defiant and refuses to speak, but Phil finds the cushion on his own and thanks Doug for the help, completely unaware of the attempted cold shoulder. Doug counts this as a success.
Back at Rogerâs mansion, his father is back with a knock knock joke, which goes like this:
Knock knock
Whoâs there?
No way in the
No way in the who
No way in the world youâre going to see Targetman. Itâs incredibly violent!
We could argue all day whether knock knock jokes are actually funny, but theyâre supposed to be, and if they arenât, theyâd at least better be clever in some way. This one just reinforces the fact that Rogerâs dad is a fucking asshole. I mean, it takes a lot of balls for someone who has been apparently absent for 6 years to try to play the good dad while dropping bad news disguised as a shitty knock knock joke. Just fuck off, clown.
Back at the Funniesâ, Doug gets to try the silent treatment on Theda.
He bumps into her in the hallway. Sheâs carrying a tray of what she called Peanut Butter Turkey Toes. Doug turns his back to her and chuckles to himself, thinking heâs won another fight. When he turns back, she stuffs a peanut butter turkey toe into his mouth and walks away, completely unaware of Dougâs defiance. This makes Doug realize the silent treatment isnât working. So he goes to Mr. Dink to get a second opinion.
He asks if Mr. Dink thinks heâs grown up enough to make decisions. The big takeaway from this conversation is âmature is as mature does.â Also, Mr. Dink doesnât think Doug should see Targetman.
At dinner, Doug gets everyoneâs attention to apologize for his previous immaturity. From now on, heâs a new, more mature Doug.
I just want to know what theyâre eating for dinner.
After dinner, Doug washes the dishes.
When Theda thanks him for cleaning them, he says, âIâm not sure my reflection is clear enough. Should I do them again?â
Later, Phil enters his room, which is now very clean, and compliments him on a job well done. Doug says it looks a little more mature this way. Meanwhile, heâs brushing the fuck out of Porkchopâs head, which he presumably thinks also makes him look mature.
The next day, heâs mowing the lawn. Phil thanks him for this but points out it was just mowed a couple days ago.
He also organized Philâs workbench. Heâs really going out of his way to prove how mature he is. It doesnât matter. At dinner, Theda compliments him on his newfound maturity. Phil says, âand the most mature thing of all, is that you havenât even mentioned Targetman. Weâre very proud that you realized itâs just a movie.â
Doug would have realized his plan was going to backfire if he was actually mature enough to see the movie.
Hereâs the gun blimp I mentioned earlier.
Right now, itâs hovering above Dougâs house. A speaker on the blimp says, âTargetman: Not Just a Movie.â Itâs like a new form of creepy spy marketing. Doug laments the time he wasted acting mature. He calls Skeeter and tells him to come over tomorrow so they can go see Targetman. Why not just meet at the theater? BecauseâŚ
The next day, Doug sees a group of kids out his window. They are marching down the sidewalk chanting, âTargetman. Targetman. Targetman.â The marketing for this movie is bizarre and offensive. Doug experiences this old trope and I donât feel I need to tell you which side wins the argument.
Finally, Skeeter arrives and almost reveals their true plans for the day. I donât know why Doug didnât tell him his parents wouldnât let him see the movie. Parenting tip: if your kid ever stops his best friend mid-word, like thisâŚ
âŚand then makes up a lie about where theyâre going like, âparkâŚMALL! Where theyâre having a thingâŚCONTEST! Charity! Very mature! Wholesome! Good for us!â just go ahead and ground your kid to save the time. Also, check around your home for cameras, because you are clearly part of a sitcom where obvious lies are not so obvious for the sake of keeping the story going.
As you can see, the teenager working the box office is more interested in reading his magazine. Doug asks for two tickets and he asks, âare you over 17 or accompanied by a parent?â Doug and Skeeter stammer and donât even have time to make up a shitty lie before the shitty teenager hands over two tickets. Before they walk into the theater, they witness Roger being dragged out by his shitty father.
Seeing this, Doug and Skeeter question their decision to see the movie. At this point, two kids that are quite younger than them run by singing the Targetman theme song. This resets their resolve.
Throughout the movie, as it continues to be too much for them to take, Doug and Skeeter sink more and more into their seats. By the end, they regret seeing the movie.
At dinner, Theda asks if he had a good time at that vague charity thing he did in the park. He says he did. She starts to reply when the hallucination begins.
âThatâs nice dear. Are youâŚâ *unintelligible monster noises*
âAAAAHHHHHHHH!â
At this point, Doug wakes up in bed screaming. I donât know if the dinner scene was a real hallucination or a just a dream or possibly both. His parents enter his room and Theda asks, âare you alright, dear?â He says he wishes heâd never seen that movie.
âWhat movie, Doug?â
The next day, Doug is sugarcoating the lesson he learned.
âThe movie was lousy, it cost too much, and it gave meâŚnightmaresâŚbut at least it tought me a valuable lesson in maturity. Iâve decided to take on a bit more responsibility around the house.â
Patti and Skeeter see right through this and acknowledge the fact that heâs grounded.
What do you make of the scenes of the movie where Targetman is played by the character describing the scene? I think, as weâre still reliant on Doug as narrator, that itâs weird as fuck that he imagines the person describing the scene as the protagonist in the scene. I donât know what that is. The hallucinations and/or dream he has after seeing the movie seem to be PTSD, at least in the way itâs become its own tv trope. I really have no experience and minimal knowledge on actual PTSD, but this is pretty much exactly how it is always shown on television.
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