big ups armored all might

A knock on the door rouses Rody from a sleep he hadn't noticed he slipped into. He slowly pushes himself up into a sitting position, wiping his eyes and deliberating whether or not he should even bother answering when a voice pipes up from the other side.

"Rody? Are you awake?" Oh. Right. Deku.

"Yeah, jus' gimme a minute." Rody wipes his face again, willing himself to be more awake as he goes to answer the door.

Deku lights up when he sees him, a warm smile curling into his freckled cheeks. "Sorry if I woke you up. Do you mind if I come in?" he asks, his voice as soft as the pillow he was just laying on. He's brought his— oh. Right. That wakes him up.

"It's whatever," Rody answers, opening the door a little wider as he motions for Deku to enter.

A while ago, Deku had asked him if he'd be willing to talk about the ways in which his Quirk had changed. Rody, of course, had said "No?! What the hell?" but couldn't help but change his mind after seeing that puppy-pout of his. Rody was too nice. …but he was a little curious. Since then, it had become a sort of routine for Deku to stop by after finishing his schoolwork. It wasn't something they did every day, just once or twice a week on a school day (maybe the schoolwork inspired more questions? he didn't know). Rody had simply forgotten that he agreed to it for today.

"So, what's the topic this time?" Rody asks, dropping down onto the bed. "Do you wanna know how annoying it is having to trim these damn things?" He raises a hand, brandishing his talons. "Because I can tell you right now, it's pre-tty annoying."

Deku sits down next to him, flipping open his notebook to a blank page. "Well, if it's alright with you, I'd like to take a closer look at your feathers."

"What, like you already don't?"

"I do, but—" Deku flips back a page, eyes darting over his notes, "everything I have down relates to how your Quirk has changed."

"…Okay? So that doesn't include the all of this?" Rody gestures to his body.

"It does! I'm more of just curious as to how your feathers are structured. I mean, Pino took the form of a bird, but she wasn't a real bird and I don't know if you remember what her feathers were like before—"

"I don't," Rody dryly cuts him off.

Deku turns to look at him, faltering when he catches his expression. He frowns, skirting his fingers around the edges of the open pages. "R-Right, sorry."

Rody sighs, angling his head down. He stares at the feathers growing on his arm, short and pink and a glaring reminder of her. He bites the inside of his cheek and closes his eyes, thinking about how much he'd rather not be thinking right now. "So. What's your idea of a closer look?"

The other boy perks back up. "With your permission, I'd like to physically examine your feathers, see how they connect to your body, take notes on their anatomy, and generally keep an eye out for anything else that might stand out."

"Uh huh, and how much do you know about feathers, exactly?"

Deku digs through his pocket for a moment before pulling out his phone. "I was going to pull up an article about feather anatomy to use as reference."

Kinda just feels like he wants an excuse to touch the feathers, Rody thinks. He knew it was out of a genuine curiosity, but he couldn't chase away the feeling of being on display. All he needed was a giant sign that said 'DO NOT TOUCH.' …That wasn't entirely fair; Deku was asking, he's been consistent with that, but… there was a feeling there that he couldn't quite articulate. Something born out of the presence of curious eyes on him.

Rody sighs, rubbing the back of his head. "Yeah, okay. Let's get this over with."

Rody takes a deep breath, bracing himself as Deku presses his fingers into his shoulder. He's gentle, which Rody can appreciate, but it makes his skin crawl all the same. He can feel him pushing through his feathers, pinning the shafts down as his breath falls hot against his skin. After a few seconds, he pulls away, the scratch of pencil against paper filling the empty space between them before Deku's attention returns to him.

The other times they've done this, had these sessions where they'd sit down and talk about how his Quirk has changed, he knew what exactly Deku was writing down. It always left him feeling dazed, the same sort of feeling he'd get when he was so absorbed in what he was doing that stepping back into reality made his head spin. He had always thought it was just that, being so focused on the conversation that, when it ended, he wasn't quite sure what to do with himself. However, he's not doing anything asides from essentially getting a shoulder rub and having notes taken about it. A memory surfaces on the outskirts of his mind, the same one that's threatened him since the first check in with the school nurse but…

…he realizes that it's not an unpleasant feeling.

Rody breathes out slowly, eyes fluttering closed as he reaches a hand over to his arm, burying his own fingers into feathers. For the first time, he lets himself fall into it. Behind closed eyes, he can see white fluorescent lighting bouncing off tiled walls. The hands on him are familiar, working to find a suitable point for injection. He knows the drill by now. When the needle presses into him, he's ready for it. It doesn't hurt anymore. He's not scared of it anymore.

In place of fear, there's a sort of… something, a feeling that numbs his mind and leaves him floating in an ocean of static. The sort of feeling he'd get from laying in bed for too long, just on the cusp of falling asleep. He probably could fall asleep. Maybe he already was—

"—dy? Hey, Rody?"

Rody slowly opens his eyes. He blinks, craning his neck and being met by worried green eyes.

Deku frowns, glancing down for a brief moment. "You're bleeding."

He's… what? Rody looks down and moves his hand off of a bloodied patch of feathers. He furrows his brow, brushing through when he's greeted by deep scratches, angry and only now aching. He sighs, readying himself to move when Deku places a firm hand on his shoulder, careful to not touch the wound. "I'll take care of it."

Rody doesn't protest, watching Deku disappear into the bathroom and return with a first aid kit and a damp, soapy hand towel. He continues watching with dulled interest, eyes following along as the hero student sets the kit down onto the bed. Deku takes the towel to his wound, gently cleaning it before popping open the kit, pulling out a bandage and a tube of antiseptic cream with swift precision. He examines what he has, glancing over at the used towel and promptly tossing it into the nearby hamper.

The feeling of the antiseptic is only mildly unpleasant; cream and feathers don't exactly mix well, but with a newly wrapped bandage around his arm, the wound has been taken care of.

"Thanks, Deku." Rody adjusts himself, moving further onto the bed and sitting cross-legged. "Don't know what I'd do without you."

"You really should be more careful…" Deku replies, returning the supplies to the kit and nudging it aside. "I don't like how easily you can hurt yourself."

"To tell you the truth, I didn't notice," Rody says with a lazy smile.

"Yeah, that's… what I'm worried about."

Rody scoffs. "You worry too much, hero. I got comfortable. Is that a bad thing?"

"Well, no but… how could you not notice that you hurt yourself? I don't see how you could ignore having an open wound, especially if you were so comfortable. Shouldn't that make it more obvious?"

"Two things. One: I think classifying this," he points to his bandaged arm, "as an open wound is exaggerating a little. Two: …" he trails off, thinking about why he had a lack of attentiveness before responding with a shrug. "Dunno. Guess I'm just used to it."

"Used to…?"

"The pain, I guess? I mean, it's not bad, it's just background noise." Rody pauses and then snorts. "Perk of having been a lab rat, I guess." He sighs, rubbing the back of his head. His mind goes back to those walls again, lingering on the image. Lingering on the feeling that came with it.

"…I'm glad you're out of there."

Rody hums. "If I'm being honest, sometimes it feels like I'm still there. Not in a bad way, but, I dunno. It's…" he trails off, now sitting with that feeling. He leans into it like an embrace. "It feels good to have a purpose."

"A… huh? What does that mean?"

"Y'know, to be needed for something."

"Well, I know what purpose means, I… I suppose I'm a little confused."

Rody looks over at Deku. "About?"

"You said— did you feel like you had a purpose while you were a prisoner?"

"I mean, I did. I don't know what I was being used for, but I know it was for something."

"Okay…" Deku trails off, taking a breath, "…can I ask what's causing you to feel like you're still there?"

Rody thins his lips, turning his attention towards the shadow the curtains cast on the wall. He doesn't like the tone of voice Deku's using. It makes him feel like he's done something wrong, broken some rule he hadn't known about. He rubs his palm down his face, sighing.

"Rody?"

"I don't know. A lot of things, I guess."

The bed creaks as Deku leans forward. He can feel his eyes boring holes into him.

"The weekly nurse visits, for one. Being escorted around campus. Being treated like a spectacle. No matter what I do, I'm being watched. Examined. Placed under some microscope and picked apart like some science project. It's… I'm not exactly treated like a person here, Deku."

"If… if that's how you feel, then why, um… why does it feel… good?"

Rody freezes. He… he said that, didn't he. Not word for word, but the implication was there. The thing is… it wasn't an inaccurate statement. The more he thought about it, the more he realized how close to the truth it was. He purses his lips. "I don't know. It just does."

He isn't met with a response. When the silence grows uncomfortably long, Rody turns back towards the other boy, furrowing his brow. "…Don't look at me like that."

Deku's mouth hung open, his eyes wide with horror. His lips start to form syllables but no words fall out, the sound of his voice wrangled in his throat. A strangled noise eventually finds its way out, turning to hoarse words as Deku finds his voice. "Do you… like feeling like an object?"

Rody sucks in a breath. "Can we drop it?"

"No, Rody, you—"

"I what?" he snaps, the sudden jump in volume taking Deku aback, his mouth tightening. As much as he doesn't want them to, Rody can feel his feathers puff up. He closes his eyes and takes another breath. "What?" he repeats, exasperated this time.

"I'm sorry, I… can't wrap my head around it. Why would you like feeling that way?"

Why bother, Rody thinks. It's stupid to expect Deku to understand. No one would understand. He's alone. But, for some reason, he tries. He tries for the same reason he told Deku what his quirk was that night.

"It's familiar," he answers plainly. "If I'm going to keep being treated like… like some thing, then… I might as well accept it, right? And it's helped, so…" he shrugs. "I'm just being realistic."

'Realistic?' Deku mouths, shaking his head incredulously. "That's not— no one wants to make you feel like that."

"Oh nooo, they're making me feel good about myself, how terrible."

"I don't think you should feel good about that."

Rody barks out a laugh. "That's a funny thing to say. What, is it bad to feel good about things, now?"

"About feeling like an object?!"

"You make it sound so terrible."

Deku pinches his mouth shut, studying him. Rody arches a brow, studying him back. The other boy worries his lip, curling his fingers into his pants. He opens his mouth and closes it with a quiet sigh. When he finally does speak, his voice is quiet.

"Do… I make you feel like that?"

It isn't a question Rody was expecting. He glances over at the forgotten notebook on the bed, clicking his tongue. "Like I keep saying, it's not a bad thing."

Deku's shoulders fall.

"It's fine. Really. So… can we please drop it?"

The air grows awkward between them with an all-encompassing silence. Rody twiddles his thumbs, keeping his gaze pinned to the floor. He can feel the mattress shift as Deku leans over to grab his notebook. Eventually, Rody turns his gaze over to it, watching as Deku thumbs the edges of the pages, never opening it.

"It's getting late," Rody says.

Deku doesn't move.

"You should, uh—"

"I'm sorry."

Rody bites the inside of his cheek. "Don't be. You have nothing to apologize for."

"I do. I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable knowing that I'm contributing to, to—" his face scrunches up as he takes a deep breath, fingers curling into the notebook. "I don't want to make you feel like that. Ever."

A pang of guilt thumps against his chest. Rody slowly reaches over, hovering his hand over Deku's before placing it down. "It's okay."

"I don't think it is."

"It's not your decision to make." Deku opens his mouth to say something but Rody interrupts him. "I know I know, you don't feel good about it, but I mean it when I say it helps. Promise." He squeezes Deku's hand but then Deku pulls away, shaking his head.

"I can't believe that. Sorry."

Rody sighs, rubbing the back of his head. Stupid hero, always deciding what's best for other people, he thinks, allowing his budding annoyance to swallow his guilt. He glances back down at the notebook. "So. What are you gonna do with that."

Deku stares at it. "I don't know."

"Hm!" Rody laughs. "What a reeeal pickle that is, huh."

Deku grimaces but doesn't say anything.

There was an obvious answer to this conundrum, that much he knew. Maybe Deku did, too. It's just, when Rody imagines it, imagines this theoretical, heroic response… he's not sure it'd even make him feel better. If he were being honest… it almost made him feel worse. Stupid. Everything about this was garbage. He was garbage. But even garbage had a purpose, right? What was that saying, 'one man's trash was another man's treasure?' He chuckled. There couldn't have been a more perfect descriptor for someone like him.

The silence stretches on a little longer before it's finally broken by a quiet voice.

"I should, um, I should go."

Rody doesn't reply. He only watches, noting how Deku's grip tightens around the notebook as he stands. When he starts to walk, he keeps his head angled down, unable to tear his eyes away from it as memory carries him towards the door. It is only as he's about to reach it that an alarming thought crosses Rody's mind.

"Deku, wait—" he blurts, leaning forward, palms braced against the mattress as though he's about to get up, "before you go."

Deku stops, turning. He studies him for a moment, tilting his head.

Rody stares at him before abruptly turning away, the weight of his gaze suddenly feeling like too much. His fingers dig into the bed, his pulse beating heavy in his skull. "Don't—Don't tell anyone about this, okay?"

"Rody, I—"

"Please," Rody interrupts him. "I just…" he sighs, rubbing his arm, "I don't need anything else on my plate. If they knew about that, I… I don't know. I don't want to know. So… please, I want—I need this to stay between us… okay?" His fingers brush against the bandage.

He can hear Deku shift his weight from one leg to the other. It's a lot to ask; he knows that every fiber of Deku's being is protesting his request. But, if he could just do this one thing, this one thing…

"Okay."

Rody lets go of a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "You swear it?"

There's a brief pause before Deku answers again. "I promise."