Never Quite Sure

So seriously, can you just come up and speak to me? I mean, we know each other for like 8 years. Is this truly necessary? 

A page torn out of a notebook

11.35am - Surveillance shift change

12.00am - Everything is quiet

1.49pm - Two cloaked figures left the building. Unrecognized.

2.05pm - E. went in with 3 cloaked men

3.00pm - Silence

4.00pm - Silence.

4.15pm - Getting ready to storm the building

4.45pm - E. left the building and gave the signal.

4.50pm - We cleared out

NOTE - meeting back at the HQ at 6.00pm sharp. Hoping for good news.

A discarded note:

Make sure Elena goes back home. For Merlin`s sake, she needs to keep her cover! You are the only one who can talk some sense into her anymore.

Excerpt from a report:

Fight broke out as we were trying to save a couple of citizens from a Death Eater execution. The Death Eaters were hiding behind the masks, it was impossible to say whether they were someone we have already encountered or not. We saved the couple, but as we were apparating away, Conner was struck. He is currently at the HQ, Ben is doing his best.

We either need to stop sending our Healers to the field or we need to have more healers on the team. This is unacceptable.

UPDATE: Conner was at the scene in case anyone needed medical help. Still, it is not worth losing our  Healers for this.

Small memo:

 Sometimes it seems like no matter what I say or do has any meaning anymore. I know I agreed to this and I am trying to be supportive - but it should not be just my job. Have we not agreed that he would not go public? Have we not agreed that he would keep his job out of the house, away from me and our children?

 Of course, things have changed, it would be impossible for him to stay out of the public`s eye, but he still broke his promise. I would much rather I didn`t see his face everywhere I turn. I am afraid this will end in a disaster. Aurors will come snooping around sooner or later and I am left alone to defend our home and our children.

 Sometimes Malius doesn`t come back home for hours and I am left wondering whether he is alright. I can`t remember the last time he spoke with Elena or played with Marcus. Maybe it is unrealistic for me to expect him to be a family man with all that is going on, but... I miss him. This house needs him, his family needs him - not only Death Eaters.

 I know he loves us. I know he is doing what he feels is right to him. It still does not mean that I should feel okay about all of it.

 Elena worries me too. She`s been sneaking around, doing heavens knows what. I am afraid she will get hurt. On the other hand, I am happy to see her around the house. Hopefully one day she will make peace with her father as well.

 For now, the only true joy for me is Marcus. Whenever he calls me 'mommy', my heart melts. He is a tiny ray of sunshine in this otherwise bleak house. He`s now walking around, playing with a toy wand and giggling whenever red sparks shoot out. I hope that he will grow up in a different world. In a world where he won`t have to hide his magic and where we will finally be recognized as superior over Muggles. It has been long overdue.

 I just hope that all that Malius is doing will finally payoff. And hopefully then he will come back to our family and all of us can be happy. Is that so much to ask for?

 I can`t stand the looks that I get from some DE women that sometimes come in. They see me as some sort of a play thing for Malius. Sure, we are not married, I am not a DE myself and... honestly, sometimes I worry that he will find some young naive DE yuppie. Whenever he comes back late I can`t help but wonder to myself where he has been and whether he still wants me and this family. Sometimes I doubt it. I remember myself at the beginning and how I looked at him. He was powerful, strong, good looking... and I know there are women just like that, chasing after him. But what can I do?

 I am going to give myself a headache worrying about this so much. And there`s really not much I can do, just wait and hope for the best.

P.S. I have not seen Ophelia around, but I swear, if I see her,I will kill her. Knowing her, she`s definitely trying to get closer to Malius. 

P.P.S Staying out of the whole DE business is getting harder. I wish I knew things. 

              They gave me this journal saying that I should record my thoughts. Therefore I must comply and record my thoughts. The constant needle piercing has got to stop. It is barbarian. How have these people managed to survive so long with such primitive methods of medicine is

               I have been trying to get in touch with Noah. He used to have a number to call in this exact scenario. I am afraid it is not in use anymore as all I ever get are beeps. They don`t understand how come I have no one else to call. But I can`t explain them the situation, because it would break the code of

               I tried contacting my co-workers via the regular distress signals. Someone should have picked me up already. That`s how it works. However, there is nothing but silence. I am starting to suspect that something horrible must have happened. Or anyone who is in charge of it is doing a horrible job. Someone in my condition should have been taken a long time ago.

               I could try to leave, but I cannot risk it. It is against our rules to use [unreadable] and I would not want to put anyone in trouble. All I can do is wait, I suppose. Surely someone in my previous workplace will pick up my signal. This system worked for years. It is not the first time a person like me was lost in this world. Someone from my work should be working exactly for this.

               I have heard some news. Bombs, irregular tornados, all that. It sounds extremely familiar. It could be that he is causing trouble. In which case, someone like me would be [unreadable] last concern.

               I am pretty sure they are going to read this journal so I must not reveal anything. Should I be even writing here? I am not sure. It might do me good to put my thoughts on paper. I wish I could just [unreadable] out of here. But that would raise questions.

               I went through training which told us not to do so. Told us to wait. Someone will come.

               What is the point of needles? Why do they keep jabbing me with them? Also, I do not enjoy the feeling that comes afterwards.

               I have daily talks with a man who seems to insist that I have suffered a trauma and now my psyche is damaged. If only he knew about

               I can`t tell them anything. It`s torture. I miss Noah. How long have I been here already? I don`t want to have to sit through another session of them asking me questions that I cannot answer. So, I stay quiet.

               What is taking them so long?!

 This guilt is eating me up alive. Every single time I tried to help Sebastian it ended in a catastrophe. I promise, Bassy, if you ever come back, I will never again interfere with your life or listen to your crazy ideas. Damn it. I just want you back.

               I thought I was going to help him. Granted, I myself wasn`t in the right state of mind. Voldemort has come back, everyone was panicking and Bas was slowly fading away. And it was all my fault in the first place, because I brought him into this world. He was torn between what he knew as he was growing up and what kind of world he suddenly appeared to be in. Of course he was torn. He loved Noah and Voldemort the same - it was naive for me to think that those two sides could just calmly coexist in his body. And when he came to me with that absolutely ridiculous idea, I went along with it, hoping that it would help him. That he would be back to me.

               And now he`s gone and all that I can blame is myself. I should have never listened to his crazy idea. Or I should have at least been there by his side.

               He somehow managed to convince me that the only difference between him and the Sebastian I knew were his memories. And it sounded plausible - I mean, they were the same person, same chromosomes and same DNR. The only difference was that he grew up in another world, where he believed that following Voldemort was right. And he cried that he couldn`t do it anymore, he couldn`t keep tearing himself apart and love both sides equally. He couldn`t even choose one. So, I told him I'd help.

               I went around trying to collect the memories he would have had naturally. I talked with people, some gave up their memories willingly, some I had to steal. Bas went over to Noah to acquire the needed memories from that side... I was so lost in what I was doing, thinking about how to do it that I completely forgot to ask myself whether I should do it.

               I should have been there for him when he took the final step even if he wanted to be alone. I should not have listened.

               And then the whole hell broke loose. Sebastian never came back, Voldemort attacked and suddenly I was the minister, trying to fight back with what little resources I had. By the time I came to it, the last trace of my brother had disappeared. I have no idea where he is and it`s killing me. The only thing that keeps me going on is the hope to find him alive. Then again, I'm afraid of what I might have done to him.

               What if the spell failed? What if his head is splitting because he has two sets of memories, unable to figure out which is the right one? This guilt is driving me insane.

               And on top of all that, I have to battle Voldemort. I know I`m not supposed to put my personal problems up front and instead I should focus on saving the wizarding world, but it is getting increasingly difficult. I just... I need to take a step back and get my head straight. I need to fight the bigger evil and only look for Bas when I have the time. I need to be someone who citizens could believe in.

               And yet, all I can think of is Bassy. I can`t function.

“Look, everyone knows that you`ve done great. But you have to go home now.” 

Elena breathed out in frustration as she kicked off another heel. “No, I don`t. You may have forced me to pretend to live there, but I can`t do it anymore. I`d much rather do any of the other jobs. Like what I`ve been doing lately? This I`m good at. Pretending to tolerate Malius so that I might be able to overhear something is not what I can do.” 

Conner crouched down to her eye lever and looked at her with sympathy. “By bringing DEs to us, you can only take out few a week. By staying around Malius, you potentially could get information that would allow us to bring back hundreds of them. Elena, I know you hate seeing him, but... this is what you can do to help everyone.” 

Elena was quiet after that. She wanted to help people fight Voldemort. And she did. However, facing her father always made her shudder. Staying in the same house as him was torture enough. “Oh man, I hate you sometimes...” Elena murmured as she got up to her feet. “Fine! I`ll continue this charade. BUT! It will totally not be my fault if one day he wounds up as a mouse...” 

Conner grinned as he watched how Elena retreated to her room. He was definitely glad to have her on their side.