Worthy

Yesterday was a wild series of synchronicity! To rewind, less than 48 hrs prior, I was depressed to the hilt, worried as one can fully be about my lack of energy & the financial goals I was about to set forth to meet, dealing with my body dysmorphia issues + anxiety about a warning I got, from DD -> regarding uploading your new ID (this was my 1st time doing this & I was quite frustrated that despite being an independent contractor, whose background check was just recently run, proved my driver's license was already renewed, & this process was going to require facial recognition, & most importantly, I was too medically unwell to work prior to running into this news, I was told I had to be benched til I got that ID physically in my hands + the research I did prior, had been false af, which I think should be a crime, considering what a simple FAQ it is for millions of people doing this). I also had Jrmy. run his b.s. little ego games. Now, it's not that I'm not used to that; but 1. His timing probably could not have been worse 2. He was really showing off his lack of all he should be grateful for when it comes to me & 3. I ALMOST can't believe he's being this foolish. I had spent those 48 hrs. thinking, "Bro, I served you GOLD when it came to this subject. Despite pretending you didn't even believe or care about such things, you would bring the subject up A LOT when it came to me. Not only did I warn you about the hormones/chemical reactions, & why you should handle entering into such new territory like it's your business-built brick by brick, solely by you, & there should be a 3 month trial basis, with certain restrictions, to protect yourself as an asset (along with your physical assets), this 'business owner' completely ignored that --- GOLD ☆ As if my lessons from what I experienced with my ex-husband wasn't enough GOLD to work with + your prior history *which was you're so called reason about why you were "being picky." I know 💯% this is going to blow up in his face->then he's gonna why to bitch to me about it [which normally would had been fine, had he not played these ego games at that very moment...but it gets worse!]. This whole thing made me think of Er. Idk how, but apparently Er. went to add me as a friend on FB 3 months ago & I didn't realize it till yesterday! He seems a TEENY TINY BIT BETTER; but he's still 🚩 material all the way. I probably saw that request, ignored it, & completely forgot; but now that Jrmy. has pulled this shit at the worst possible time, I'm ngl. Unlike Jrmy., I (along with tons of other women of NEPA who have had to deal with his 🚩 behavior), find him attractive af. Iove the way he smells, how aggressive he gets with my body, & how impressive he is sexually. It's actually enjoyable with Er. Er. is also attempting to apologize & has expressed gratitude for me even being willing to talk! This is something I know Jrmy. would be incapable of! He's also offered to help me 💲 Last night, he offered to send me gas 💲. While I do want to take him up on his offer, I'm running on total sleep deprivation. I hate accepting help & I want to finish communicating my thoughts, but haven't had the time. He's been messaging me & repeatedly telling me to drive safe, expressing gratitude, support, & interest. He's not relationship material, but he's great distraction material! F*** I still need to reply to Er. who sent me a good morning message. Again, I don't trust this man as far as I can throw him, but I am enjoying this treatment, regardless of knowing full well - DO NOT TRUST THIS BITCH 😄 I had a customer call me bc he found me so beautiful. He's a dark, tall glass of water, ripped & in town til August. I don't have time to answer these dudes right now, but again, I'm loving the sudden attention for sure! Anyway, not only did Er. & I pick up on where we left off 3 years ago yesterday, the following also happened yesterday (mind you I already shared some parts above so they aren't all listed HERE): I saw Drew & he had to turn towards my car & drive right past me (& I know I looked Hella Good & he...

I am shakingly STILL trying to get ready for my new ID photo (been up since 3-3:30AM) & guess what I found? A friend request from 12 weeks ago from E. I remember telling Jrmy. about what I did with E. at the movies & how Jrmy. didn't believe me. Shit with Jrmy. got me thinking about E.'s fucked up ass...and today, I got he got my attention & I got his. Allegedly, on his work break, I'm getting a 3 year late apology lol Yeah, we'll see about that. I rather he pay me than send me some empty fucking words 😏

...trying to feel a sense of control over all these painful things I'm vehemently aware of [if I had a dollar for everytime I have been told my level of empathy is hurting me - as if I can truly control it? Wtf) anyway...no, I now see myself trying to understand because I'm losing hope. You can't keep going without any hope. I know I can't. I'm speaking from experience. I had previously survived suicide attempts (the last one required air flight - I can't believe I was flown up in a helicopter 🚁 & have 0 memory of it; but I also can; because I was dying fast & put into a coma for 17 hours). I still remember why I went that hard on that one in particular...well to be fair, the same reason was behind all of them, but my point is, I went harder on that one, because my lack of hope had hit the highest degree. I had every reason to expect to just die outside of hypothermia and starvation, & I decided I didn't want to suffer on my way out in that situation..so I tried to make it peaceful. I survived & got in a shitload of trouble. I later convinced myself I must have miraculously survived for some really great reason...but now I wonder if it was just to serve great reasons; but ones that would never bring me joy, safety, security, any real quality of life ever. So many people spend the entirety of their lives like that & then die. Who's to say it will ever be any different for me? There's no answer as to why some of the worst people get to have lives of power, luxury, convenience, & more safety than almost anyone else. We're all born as these innocent babies. We've been arguing about Nature vs Nurture forever...but at the end of the day, it still doesn't tell me how to have hope, that I don't feel is just some bullshit I'm feeding myself (because if you're lying to yourself; your brain will constantly call it out & that makes that fake-ass hope useless). I keep hoping my ancestors, God Consciousness, the Love I live by, miracles, etc. - will show up, & show me that I have every reason to truly hope - that I won't be the statistic that probability is pointing to; but it seems no matter how much I ask or look for such signs, messages, etc. - I'm pretty positive I'm getting nothing...so I'm feeling really fucked in the hope department...and that's really bad - especially when you start naturally feeling numb, the longer you lose hope. I really want that to change & feel betrayed that it isn't. I wish I had more time to discuss it; but I must wake up my ungrateful child now.

While yes, I am still exhausted, violently aware of how I have resilently continued to stand my ground, through a cornucopia of unjust systems • the battles they ensure ensue • and exist to perpetuate the inequalities of all who are not 'members of the white patriarchy - I am still standing, doing everything possible to muster energy & go forward with my day {mind you, most of what I will be doing today, are requirements for me to stand my ground & remain resilient, some I just hope to be able to do to start rebuilding & head towards my ultimate goals...but as someone forced into such unjust positions, & am the true embodiment of exhausted ~ fragmented mentally, physically, emotionally, & even at the core of my Soul, I do not have much hope that I will be able to accomplish nearly what I want to accomplish. I need to upkeep a house that isn't mine, because of some genuinely mentally toxic males, who refuse to clean up after themselves, & certainly won't take any accountability, support the preservation of what is being done for them, through unfair sacrifices, & this entire time, I'm in major need of rest & that actual support. I need to reorder groceries, despite barely ever having the ability to eat for at least 7 days at a time - I want to earn $ doing the only work I can while managing a neurological condition most people never heard of & don't treat as anything serious (it's as if I'm simply "being dramatic over a sneeze" the way they ignore my medical reality) + the PNES is layered ontop of other conditions I have to battle on the daily. What I want most right now, is the partner of my dreams. Someone who could support me, see, understand, & adore me as I deserve. He'd help by getting the groceries. He'd hold my hand & attend this dam Ceremony, at the school that has been gaslit to fuck, by my "sure to suffer on the other side" 'co-parent.' God, I'm so tired of that term-especially because it's like calling my biological father & mother, Mom & Dad - despite acting like my worst enemies...or how I automatically call my 'step-dad'->my Mom's husband, truly without a 2nd thought, bc that guy, nor she, has acted like a step-parent to any of their children. My 'co-parent' has been nothing but an abuser to me. It blows my mind that he made sure to punish me, for doing what I thought was the right thing. I could have never told him he was our son's father & continued to do everything on my own as I was. If I knew what I knew within even the 1st year, that's exactly what I would have done; bc I know this type of abuser all too well. Previously, I was blinded by Stockholm Sydrome; but I've been awake, aware for many years now. I know this abuser never gets better. They just intensify the abuse. I never feared someone to be so likely to seek to kill me, til I went through what I've gone through with my "co-parent." This isn't a term that really applies, as he refuses to actually co-parent...& now I need to sit next to this piece of shit, at the Godforsaken school, that let's him act psychotic af; & despite being run entirely by women, can't seem to see through the abusive tactics & madness? I suppose that's what happens when society refuses to admit, that everyone should see mental health treatment as a non-negotiable part of their well-being. When is this bullshit stigma from centuries ago, ever going to quit?! It's the same for racism, sexism, & all the other fuckery ignorance (which is fear people refuse to acknowledge because of their fragile ass egos) continues to feed. I'm really fed up with the entire quality of life I've been living. When I was self-destructive af, I felt like I was having fun. I was social, I danced, I laughed, I was affectionate; but again, I was being self-destructive & the reality is: none of those people were truly my friends, none of what I felt was real, I was fueling more depression, & doing exactly what caused my brilliant brother to die at 44. I'm pretty sure he never got to live any of his dreams. It sickens me how often this happens. I try to understand things - no longer trying to...

Can I just say, I find it hilarious that my biological little sister is just as fake af with my brother, as our father is. He sent that old Mom Jeans GIF & as usual, she tried to "laugh off feeling like she OWNED that" (like most things in her life that she has no actual ownership of & is completely delusional). Funnier still, is how any jeans she wears, would like Mom Jeans because she's a fucking whale 🐋 🤣

Yo, can we just take a moment to celebrate, that I finally got Jrmy. P. - tree service dude, to stop harassing me for sex & being totally abusive, by politely explaining all the reasons I've been silently tallying, as to why I don't think he's truly hetero. It worked like a charm. That's the 3rd closested narcissist, I got to leave me alone, once I called out the one thing they feared most being called out. The peace has been amazing. It's literally the feeling of the Universe removing awful people to make room for the great people you crave. The blocking, the ignoring cash app, where he'd send literally $1 & say like a caveman "come over" - all of it, is finally over! 🎊 Not only has it been so peaceful & amazing; but also comical. Usually this types will defend any microscopic thing that they feel is a threat to their ego - but when you get honest about their sexuality - after trying to come off as big, tough, hetero, self-proclaimed "kings," & then you get that silence? Omg it's awesome. The silence tells you it all & them knowing you know, is the ticket to freedom. May he get to enjoy his dick fantasies fr & know, I helped encouraged him to live his truth...and as for me? I'm loving the peace like crazy! I can't tell you the last time this guy didn't get defensive over nothing & then harass me for attention & company. Now, it's been quiet since the end of April & it's Heavenly! You go Glen Coco! 😄

I'm concerned about B. He's been reaching out, notices me when I have no clue he's around, when he had his breakup or maybe there was more - he said he wanted to talk with me, because he felt no one would understand the same way; but then backed out of said conversation. Later, he posted on FB, something about how this girl he's interested in, made mention of his routines (pretty sure, that girl was me & I was saying how I wish I had routines like him; but maybe he took that differently? Anyway, he posted this with a video of him working out). I liked his body the way it was. He was also big into motor bikes & cars....but now I see him BMX riding. He's been more expressive than ever with me, hasn't given up on me, despite years of not hanging, & I can't help but think he's trying to be like my ex-husband 🤮 I remember him saying he couldn't believe I married the guy. I liked B's body the way it was. I know my ex was muscular, but he was a total piece of shit, & I have been turned off by gym type men for a long-ass time. The BMX thing is my biggest turn off. Watching 40 year old men, try to be amazing BMX riders, instead of something that could actually be beneficial to so many more people. I haven't had the heart to tell B. I don't want to hook up, I fear he has Hepatitis, that we just don't match intellectually, etc. I wish we could hang & I didn't have to worry about him experiencing sober, uncomfortable me + know he's disappointed I don't want to fuck. I don't know why he's doing this shit & posting this shit. It's ironic because I was SO into B. back in the day; but luckily, it didn't work out. He's definitely not what I need or want. I do still love him, but in a different way...and I'm usually so anti-ego, so I can't help but feel this is intuition. So much, looks like he's trying to be like my ex. So many times, men think there MUST be feelings for an ex (in my case, my co-parent or my ex-husband; but they fail to recognize that I see them as NPDs like my father, I learned why they felt familiar & comfortable to me ONCE UPON A TIME, & today, I find them to be literally the most unattractive 'men' on the planet. B. could just be caring about his body & maybe he's into BMX because he's not as into his motorbikes the same. I could be wrong...but it saddens me to see this softer side of him in communication, his resilience to stay in touch, knowing he actually watches me on FB (he used to not even be my friend there back in the day) & watching him act like my ex-husband is disturbing. I don't want to yuck his yum; & now he's adding to the list of ways I find his yum yuck 😓

...but also have multiple hearings coming up, that I need to prepare for. The Domestics one is coming up fast, but I haven't gotten to focus on that with my attorney yet. We're busy trying to get everything ready & done for a formality, in the form of a hearing, several weeks after the upcoming Domestics Hearing instead + she's informed me that I cannot report my reality-that after taxes, I make less than -$9,000/year. Idk how I'm supposed to claim what she's telling me to claim, when the want records verifying the truth here. It's been weighing so heavy on me, that I haven't been up to getting any work done, that I can document, & receive money from, in over 2 weeks; knowing & being unable to not worry about how this is gonna work. So much is depending on this-nvm how much it's likely not to be fair i.e. the arrears I deserve. I hate to put that out there. I have tried to be positive & trusting, mindful about my energy, my thoughts; but like I said, I've reached a breaking point. I can't deny how I feel & try to focus on how great it'd feel if a ton of miraculous things happened during this all instead. *deep sigh* I keep feverishly typing on my phone, hunched on the floor in painful positions...I have isolated myself from those that care, I'm too tired to explain, too tired to pretend I can function, & don't expect anyone can really do much to help me anyways. I've sought it for a long time & when you're living life differently, being clean, more mature, more aware of what the men around in particular have going through their minds, & how so many other women are also struggling for any fairness, justice, equality, etc. - well, you just tend to see, there's not much anyone can do to help you. It's not like when you're 27 & a night out at the bar makes you feel better + guys want to fuck you, so they pretend they'll have your back - but really, the majority just want to get laid...and I can't even right now with the rest of that topic. The men I was raised to believe were protectors & providers as a child, are the very sources of my wounds, my trauma, & the Hell I'm fighting through right now. They haven't helped me achieve shit. I did everything I achieved on my fucking own. The only good guy I know, is my cat. He's the best, but he can't do much to help me here either. I hate how I'm feeling more energy drain from my body, just as the time starts to crunch & I'm fully aware of how much shit I much achieve, until I'm done with the GAL...and by the time I'm done, I'm positive I'll still be unable to eat, still have no energy for the work that pays money, & still come back to a place that's supposed to be "home," but this is no home. That's for sure 👿

...of the repercussions of what would happen if I did *which clearly weren't unfounded! I'm now getting attacked more than ever, deeper than ever, having more trauma triggers dumped onto me, for the longest stretch of time-one I could never fathom being so horrible & never-ending...and I have to sit there, in this total discomfort, being sure to not say what I wish I could say; bc I know the only way to get anything positive out of this situation-if not just keeping things as they are, ending the litigation warfare, & any further attacks going forward for the next fucking 6 years with this abuser, who deserves to be in jail, I have to do what women are constantly forced to do to SURVIVE. I have to shrink myself, be sure to not take up too much space, speak "too loud" AKA share what I'm truly dealing with, because they are tired of hearing these "buzzwords," they are trained to be suspicious of a parent tooting their own horn, & even if I'm not directly doing so, going into the truth of what I'm dealing with, WILL come across that way & it will feed his smear campaign -> because it's like being the black sheep in the family, because you're the one getting help, working on yourself, & that makes you a threat, a target. Instead, I have to discuss my painful past, show that I have a long history of being nothing like that past, despite the reality of still being trapped & tied to abusers like this, & politely share my concerns - being sure to frame it as: I have some concerns about communication, how despite thinking my son's father is a good father, & I do my best to be a good mother in my own ways; my son's father constantly thinks lesser of me, won't give me any credit, & I feel that it's affecting our son. It enrages me, to know that is the best way, to deal with this situation. I still have to meet with the ignorant guidance counselor, & pray the family therapist we're trying to get involved *as she's the only one left who can take my insurance - all while being unable to say, I have spent 12+ years, trying to shield my son, from the abuse we both suffer, while his father goes untreated with a serious case of NPD. I have watched my son get groomed, brainwashed, have his mental health messed with, watched many people be used as a pawn, & literally tell people that if anything happens to me-especially if my co-parent loses it over not getting his way or not knowing what to do, when he can't use co-parenting, to obsess over me, & constantly come at me, please be sure to have him investigated. I sincerely think he is so unwell & obsessed with wanting to control me, that he may kill me, if he can't control me in any satisfactory way anymore. His behavior, tactics, attitudes have only gotten worse over the years. That's 100% the truth. Imagine going unchecked for over 12 years, with such a deep obsession, & a willingness to do anything to create pain, & feel in control over a woman, bc she rejected your super controlling desires *which probably saved my life fr* & nothing ever happens, as it keeps growing & getting worse - only becoming more fulfilling to the person who needs help for their disorder & isn't being checked in anyway whatsoever. I can't even remember how I know I'm supposed to frame this shit for the GAL. He told me to bring any papers with me, but Iike I said: I have 12+ years of NPD co-parent abuse, living it has been too difficult & while I could seek & print out too many examples to count, I wasn't sitting there, nicely organizing my trauma + I know my best bet is to not even go there. I may be foolish for going in with nothing; but I'm fucking exhausted. I've been up for almost 3 hours-after being woken up by my NPD father for the 7th time *him knowing all too well, that if he wakes me at 4am & I need to be up at 6, 6:30-there's no way I can go back to sleep...so ofc, he woke me up at 4:11, 2nd time 2 days in a row, where he knew I was exhausted & am dealing with not only my usual plethora of appts., document gathering, parenting, trying to survive through an overwhelmed nervous system, but