unica

have not been able to enjoy a single day of autumn and nature aand it's really getting to me

feeling this large amount of overwhelming peace that i cannot suppress

i have this handwritten note that my mom made a while ago saying "be diligent and smart like you always are" or something along those lines that I always keep inside my journal pages and even though she is completely fine and well it always makes me cry when I look at it just because it's so much unlike her and it reminds me that she always means well even if she doesn't always show it

i always wait for september to come and for autumn to start since I love going out when it's rainy and the colors of the fallen leaves are everywhere, but I always manage to then end up falling into states of melancholia that keep me from enjoying anything. I associate so many albums with autumn specifically like Carissa's Wierd's Songs About Leaving, Grouper's Dragging A Dead Deer Up a Hill and Lil Peep's Live Forever, these albums soothe me so much and feel so much as if they were directly meant to accompany these months that create this state of cold air, rain and it progressively becoming darker.

woke up early, made myself proper breakfast and drank coffee. listened to disintegration loops while it was still dark outside and raining. fresh morning air made me yearn living life properly again. some days like this remind me of the potential that life holds.