DefiningWater

Where it lies  (beneath a shadow I can not break an incorporeal nemesis that is of me) just out of reach (though I strain my arm imagining it longer than it is, wiggle my fingers in earnest, try to make myself smaller to fit)  I can see it as it is but cannot grab it as I am. Struggling against a force of will bound to my own it would be so simple to simply let it be knowing that it would come to me or I to it (like a scared animal, I can’t make eye contact, but only speak in soothing tones). It’s not that easy when waves of habitual self-sabotage  pummel you at the shore, send you tumbling and drowning in the familiar darkness the light little more than shimmers that filter through, beautiful but untouchable. If all it takes is to stand up from the depth emerge from the shadow  see what is true (not what is real)  it should be so easy (not just simple)  to just stand up, arms wide open, and embrace it. How does one stand when their own legs force them to sit?

I come from a broken home Filled with memories where I am sad But I was not sad, not all the time I come from a broken home Where my full-time mother had a full-time job to keep our cupboards full and our bellies the same I come from a broken home Where all our friends would gather on summer break and the streets were safe for us to play dawn to dusk I come from a broken home light and yellow, marred and dark for decades after because it is easier to be sad if you always have been I come from a broken home golden joined by the love we made though not always said I come from a home where my heart will always be and my heart will always be with me

(via https://open.spotify.com/track/3ekNuTF3UpOvIZCfiejpnC?si=Qd_5_NhURDm4Jjd44YIO4A)

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u05S9cq2bLY)

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdwKfbKFnUE)

I don’t wanna think, I wanna feel. How do I feel?