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@deeply--insecure

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The Amount
If I could measure you I would've tried lined you up against rulers and reasons converted you into something manageable something I could explain without sounding like I'd lost my grip on reality
But you weren't numbers
You were the extra second I stayed awake for no reason the way my phone felt heavier when you didn't text back
You were the difference between a room and a place between breathing and feeling like it meant something
Tell me what's the unit for that?
Because I would've counted it all every laugh I didn't deserve every moment you chose me when you could've walked away
I would've kept track of the nights that didn't feel empty the mornings that didn't feel like punishment the way your name made everything else quieter
But how do you measure the absence of noise when it's replaced by someone
How do you quantify the way a person becomes the baseline for everything that follows
I think that's what scares me most not that you're gone but that everything now is compared to you
And nothing quite adds up
Because whatever you were whatever we had it tipped the scale so far that I'm still trying to figure out how to live with less of it
with less of you
And no way to calculate the amount
I hope you forgive yourself for the ways you coped when you were hurting.
The poet exists in fragments, so does the poetry.
This
Funeral, Phoebe Bridgers

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Olga Knipper-Chekhova, from a letter to Anton Chekhov featured in The Selected Letters of Anton Chekhov
“If you ignore your feelings they will get your attention in other ways.”
— Kathy Kalina

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