I'm not cool I'm mentally ill

Long time no update, things have been hectic and I just haven't really remembered to update.

I went on holiday! That's the main reason I haven't been updating, I've been away for 3 weeks on holiday, that was really fun, I really enjoyed getting away from everything!

I also ended up kinda cutting things off with the person from before, I realised I wasn't ready and I couldn't afford to develop an attachment, it wasn't fair to either of us, so that was a horrible thing but I had to do it for both of our sakes

I also rekindled an old friendship which I've been really enjoying, one of my old best friends I've recently become super close to super quickly, it's like we never stopped talking, so thats really nice, we've been hanging out loads and chatting all the time, however this eve they had a suicide scare, so I've just got back from the hospital after helping them, but their mum talked to my dad a load which is terrifying because I don't want my dad knowing I've been drinking and smoking and doing all kindsa shit I shouldn't be doing at her house, but hopeeeefully she didn't mention any of that!

All in all I'm a bit emotionally drained... I really really care about her so obviously this has been a bit of a blow, especially as I had no idea things were this bad for her, but hopefully she'll be able to get some more help and I'll be able to work on myself as well

So I went to a Bbq yesterday with a bunch of the old youth from church, got far too drunk and made a fool of myself in front of everyone! Yay! I do this every time, I hate it but I can't change, I can never just be normal, why can't I just go for a couple drinks with friends and that be it? Why do I always have to go too far? I'm so sad about the person I've become, I hate it so much, i hate not having the power over myself to even try and change, I'm scared I'll just be like this until I die. I just can't be happy unless I'm drunk, every day is so horrible, I literally just have to get through it until the next day I can drink, which is hella unhealthy, but its the truth, and I despise myself for it.

In other news, I got a promotion which is really cool! I could do with the money, turns out drinking so much is very expensive, I have like no money for the rest of the month which isn't ideaaal, but I can't do future planning to save my life, so it'll always be the way

I'm on my way to work now, really I just wanna go home and curl up into a ball, but I can't! So here I am! Being a person! Even if I don't feel like one

I've continued to exist which is fun, I'm still going out like every weekend, it's become this obsession to me, to the point where I was really sad yesterday eve that I hadn't gone out all weekend, despite literally going out last Tuesday. It's like it's all my world revolves around, but I can't help it, I love it too much.

I've been working a lot recently too which is good bc I need the money and hours, but I've also had like nno time to relax inbetween work and family time and socialising, I've barely had two seconds to myself to just breathe. I've been sleeping awfully as well because I've been in really bad pain (for some reason now its my back?) so I'm exhausted as well which is just making every day feel like it lasts fifteen years... My boss just left today as well which is sad, the new boss seems really cool, but I'm gonna miss Sam a lot, he was always really cool and chill, he definitely made me feel really at home there, so I'll deffo miss him, but I think I'm gonna start playing d&d with him and some of the other people at work which is cool! Same with Angus who left a bit ago, he plays too so it will be cool to see him, even if only on zoom

I went drinking last night with friends and it ended with me in a police car! Cute! My friends had to go early but I was drunk and stupid and decided I'd go out on my own, got really depressed and was gonna kill myself! Woo! It's been building up for a while, I kinda knew something like that was gonna happen soon, so it makes sense, but I ended up calling the police because I didn't trust myself not to do something stupid, and they got me home safe. My parents don't know though, my dad was awake when I got home but I said everything was all good, but I did have eyeliner all down my face so he probably suspects something, but my cover story is that I got sad about my ex in the uber because the last time I saw these friends it was with him? I think that's believable enough to not let them know, and just hopefully one of the neighbours didn't see me getting out of a police car 😅

They called the crisis team but the team basically said they couldn't do anything to help or support me which is really fun, good to know mental health issues are really important, but I'm safe now which is the main thing. I am however about to get to work which is great, what I really want to do is go home and curl into a ball and cry but u have to work until 5 so that's really fun

The really bad part is because I had every intention of killing myself, I thought it would be no issue if I spent all my money, go out On a bang or something, but because I had my brief change of heart and ended up getting home safe, I now barely even have enough money for the bus today to and from work, let alone tomorrow? Idk what ima do tomorrow, I need to find £2 quickly and then I'll have enough to get me through today and tomorrow bus wise, then I'll clean on Wednesday to get a tenner so I can get the bus Thursday and Friday, but I literally can't afford anything else until I get payed next Monday, I can't even buy myself food so I'm gonna be real hungry at work, I packed the only thing I could find which was dry plain pasta, so that's gonna be my lunch for today I suppose, which I feel like just about sums up how I'm feeling?

So I relapsed properly last night. I'd been clear for over a year, I knew it was probably coming soon, but jesus does it still suck. I'm annoyed because I was doing so well, but I'm trying not to be too hard on myself considering healing isn't linear, and given the self destructive mood I've been in the past few days, it was going to happen, I mean I even bought blades for Christ's sake, it was gonna happen, but it still feels shit. It felt amazing at the time, and a part of me is still happy when I look at my legs, but still, it's that old familiar feeling and I'm just hoping I don't get too addicted again

They aren't big boys because I didn't have a good blade, but they're enough to hurt like a bitch, they didn't bleed much though which is weird, usually they used to bleed a lot more, I think it's probably because my blade was quite blunt, thats probably also why they aren't that big and they hurt so much despite only being lil styros. But still, I have to admit I missed it so much, the feeling, the pool of blood, slowly watching the lines turn red? Nothing feels better

I'm feeling in a really self destructive mood, I tried to cut but I threw all my blades away so I tried to use my tiny blunt exacto knife but all it did was scratch and irritate the skin, so I've ordered pencil sharpeners to salvage the blades from those.

Becahse I can't cut I'm feeling hella destructive and I won't lie, I wanna get fucked up, I wanna drink or do drugs or just not have to think or feel, I wanna destroy myself and I don't know how to and its eating me from the inside, I just want to hurt myself so badly and it fucking sucks

So I was looking forward to today, gonna go to car boot, get a tattoo then go clubbing? All good! Car boot is great! Then I see a tiktok of my ex with a girl doing her makeup in his bed! Which means they probably spent the night together! Which is so cute

It's been less than a month since we actually broke up and he's already moved on just fine! Which is so fun! While I'm still miserable!.

And if they're sleeping together, how long has it been going on? Is she the real reason he broke up with me? I just don't fucking get it, we were fine and then one night and suddenly I'm nothing to him, I could die and he probably wouldn't give a shit!

I'm really stressed my boss is gonna hate me because I feel like I've been doing nothing but fuck up recently, and I keep needing to ask for time off and I'm just a bit of a nightmare employee really, but what I'm really stressed about is what if I've proper lost my keys and they aren't there? If that happens not only will I have got my boss out for nothing and wasted his time, I'll also have fucked up yet again by losing my keys which is like, a big deal, and ill probs have to pay tk get news ones cut which I can't afford and it's just all goign wrong bro

Also Ive managed to convince myself I've lost a tampon inside of me despite the fact that the chances of that are stupidly low, and I probably just forgot to put one in or something, the chances of losing one are teeeeny tiny, but that doesn't stop my paranoid brain going off the rails and stressing me out like nobody's business. I'm trying to calm myself by thinking, chances are I didn't, but even if I did, I would know pretty quickly I'm sure, and even if I didn't know, tss is super rare, and even if I did get tss, I can always just off myself! Wooo

I kinda wanna go to the doctors now just to put my mind at ease but that's so stupid, what's the point considering chances are theres literally nothing there and I'm just wasting someone's time. If I start to feel ill or anything tho then maybe I will. It sucks tho bc they say one of the symptoms is pain around abdomen and stuff but I always have pain in my stomach and abdomen bc I have ibs so how would I even know?

Anyway I'm just stressing myself out even more now, maybe I'm a hyperchondriac or however you say it? If I'm thinking of the right thing? Someone whos always paranoid about their health and stuff? But at the same time I don't bother to look after my health so I doubt I could be, if I was surely I'd be more bothered about looking after myself?

I think I'm coming to the conclusion I might actually have a drinking problem? Like if I don't like the person I become when I drink, why don't I stop? But that's the problem, I can't, I don't want to. I love how it feels to much to stop, it makes me feel happy and free and I just don't feel that anymore without the help of alcohol. It sucks, and I hate it, but I don't want to not drink, but I also do and I hate it. I can't tell anyone either because then they'll stop me drinking and idek if that's what I want? I don't know anymore honestly, I'm just sad and embarrassed and I feel hella empty.

Basically I send nudes tk this guy for money, not a huge deal, I didn't think I was that kinda person but I jusy don't care really anymore and money is good, plus I knew he was trustworthy bwcause I know him, but that got me too confident and someone said they wanted to pay me nothing and I gave them information for my bank because I'm dumb, I only gave them my name and sort code and account number but they scolded me saying I shouldn't give out information so freely an they're right! I can't believe I was so dumb! Luckily it seems that they're a nice person who won't scam me, but still, i was so so stupid to give out information so easily! I'm such a dumbass and I'm still panicking becayse what if they aren't as nice as theu seem? I didn't think you could get scammed with only an account number and sort code but I don't really know anything and I'm scared