I've seen the right path but I was afraid to take it
I've seen what it is, god, the universe and it's cold cruelty, everyone searching for warmth in it, everyone in the cold and not getting even body heat, psychologically, the soul is cold unless received and offered. It is hard to put it in words the notions and instincts that flash through like lightning.
Anandamayi ma said to treat everything as god and that will save me. I've made a goal and habit to throw everything away to not get hurt by the leading sharp edge of the extrapolated future. The throwing away made me lose sight and lose touch and lose sense in the mental and physical way. It made the pain lost but at this cost. At the cost of almost everything. The solution was to cherish it all again one by one and each and every one, and the world comes into view and comes into touch again and the body is inhabited again as it was born.
I feared life and all it could be, and all it could only be. Maybe it's ADHD, maybe it's all the distractions, maybe it's me being insufferable and obstinate. I believed and at the same time didn't want to believe that this is life as it is. Full of hope and the struggle of feeling and holding on, yet full of a cold emptiness and everything that has to be let go.
