dear june;

dear june;

I’ve struggled to write this for a few days now, because I know there’s no surpassing my first letter, but here goes nothing.

If I told you I didn’t remember the day we met, I’d be lying. I remember you reached out to me for help with something, and for some reason, you responded the next day when I asked how you were doing. I don’t remember why I felt the need to message you again, but little did I know, that message would lead to a three year long friendship. Those three years would be some of the best, yet simultaneously worst, years of my life. There would be months where we were inseparable , and there would be months where I was convinced you didn’t need me anymore. The latter months were the worst at the time. I was on the verge of cutting my life short, all because you weren’t there when I needed you most. The months we were together at all times would ruin me once our time ran out. Those months were great when they happened, but they would eventually leave a bitter taste in my heart.

You ruined me in every aspect possible. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have friends again without the constant reminder that they aren’t you. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love someone as wholeheartedly as I loved you, because even though I was the one to say goodbye first, it broke me that you didn’t bother fighting.

I’ve heard people in my life tell me that if you really love somebody, you’re willing to fight for them, and maybe you didn’t love me at all, regardless of the connotations. You seemed happy to be rid of me in the weeks following the end of us, and that’s what tore me apart. The fact that you moved on so quickly, unlike me.

“I loved you as Icarus loved the sun. Too close, too much.” I’ve been thinking a lot about that quote, and it’s quite telling of my life. I was drawn to you like a moth to a flame, and you scarred and left me like a sunburn.

You were the element of chaos in my life, whether you realize it or not. You tore up everything in your wake, and by the time you left, there was nothing left of me. There were only shards of my glass heart, the only thing present on the empty wasteland you created from us.

I will never understand how someone as innocent looking as you managed to ruin some of the best things to ever happen to me, but looks can be deceiving. My mother warned me about you, and how no matter what we told each other, there would always be something that you kept from me, and damn it was she right.

Well, that concludes my second letter to you. Maybe one day you’ll understand the state you’ve left me in, but I’m not counting on it.

dear june; a playlist

act I

turning out - ajr would you be so kind - dodie arms - christina perri hearts don’t break around here - ed sheeran i love you - billie eilish be my forever - christina perri human - dodie all of the stars - ed sheeran comethru - jeremy zucker feels like home - bea miller absolutely smitten - dodie kiss me - ed sheeran

act II she - dodie i wish - hayley kiyoko green - cavetown turning out pt. ii - ajr a thousand ways - phoebe ryan feel something - bea miller somebody else - the 1975 u.n.i. - ed sheeran sick of losing soulmates - dodie let me go - hailee steinfeld i can’t breathe - bea miller happier - ed sheeran

dear june,

This is my gift to you. Thirty-something letters narrating my life without you.

If it wasn’t obvious, life without you is hard. You were the first girl I ever loved, so of course it’s hard to live knowing that the one girl who meant everything to me probably doesn’t even remember my name. I loved you more than the air I breathe. Yes, I used present tense, but only because somehow, some way, I’m still breathing. I didn’t think breathing was so hard, not until you left. It was so easy before, just to close my eyes and take in the air in front of me before slowly returning it to the earth. Now, I find my chest constricting every so often when the sun has long left nothing but the moon and stars in its place. I find tears leaking through my closed eyelids, gently falling down my cheeks, sometimes finding their way onto my tongue. The salt was a reminder that life is cruel, that promises were nothing but empty wishes, especially since you broke ours so quickly and carelessly.

I always had my doubts about you, that you’d find someone new, someone who loved you as much as you loved them. I loved you, there’s no doubt in my mind, but there was one thing preventing us from being more. You. You were the reason we were never what I imagined we could be. You didn’t love me, at least not the way I did. It wasn’t your fault we weren’t more. You didn’t love me the same, and deep down, I knew that. Maybe it was the fear of living without you, or the hope that you would change your mind, but for some reason, I stayed. I stayed by your side, I supported you through breakups, and I listened to you giggle like a schoolgirl when you found someone new. I stayed through everything, and yet you left me high and dry when I had breakups, or when I got into another relationship in order to hide my pain.

Pain was always present in our “relationship” or whatever it was to you. I don’t think we ever said “I love you” within the three years we were friends. Not even in a platonic sense.We never shared the big issues going on in our lives, we just kept deep conversations to a minimum. You never came to me when you were hurting, crying out for help in the dark hours of night, but I did. I went to you any chance I got. Our friendship wasn’t all depressing, we had genuinely good moments. Like the night we stayed up until a Wednesday during July turned to Thursday, just playing games and chatting nonsense. I think that was the start of my demise. That was the night I began my journey into the abyss that was my love for you.

I need to wrap this up now, seeing as I could go on forever about us in this one letter, but then what would the other twenty or so letters be for?

I pray you never see this, never know how I really feel, but for now, goodbye June.