hyphy bb

this year i swear to God i am in love like never before. i thank God before i go to bed and when i wake up for showing me that maybe there is someone that does care about me as much as they show and say they do. i’m sure the first relationship i’ve ever been in was an introduction of what could be, the second being whatever, and this connection i feel with a specific someone is just.. something i wouldn’t want to trade for anything in this world. because to me, he is warmth and he is radiant. he is comfortable and i feel like i fit perfectly into him, as if i was meant to do that. i’m scared that he will just leave me too. scared that he’ll find a reason, get tired of me, or maybe even find someone new (or old?) and be happier. scared that maybe i’m not enough because no one has ever told me that i am enough. no one’s ever convinced me that i am worth the stay, worth the fight, worth putting up with? this is when my anxious thoughts get the best of me and convince me by saying maybe i am just filling a void. maybe i am just temporary and always have been for every person that’s ever interested in me. i don’t want to feel like i’m wasting anyone’s time. i don’t want to be anyone’s second resort, second choice, or “this is fine” sitting in fire meme. i want to be another reason why someone wants to wake up for the next day. i want to be another planet in someone’s galaxy and welcome them when their planets are getting a little rocky. i want to be someone’s additional safe place and comfort them, letting them know i will never leave their side and will always root for them. i’m so scared no one will ever feel to do the same for me. scared. just scared of the future even though i have a clear idea of what i want and how i’m currently working towards it. one thing i want to work on is to not really worry about how things are going and how they turn out. because i’m sure if i get out of my head, i’ll be happier and more focused. i’ve enrolled in a gym, picked up a couple of books, started to vent/journal on tumblr without anyone knowing who i am or where i’m talking.. so its not a finsta for an audience or a tweet for others to see on their tl. this is my safe place where i can just word vomit and feel better afterwards. but if anyone knows the answer to not having to worry so much anymore, i’d love to hear how i can get over that mountain too. because this mountain has haunted me for the past 3 years now. 

after i enjoy my ice cream

its been so tiring. ever since my heart surgery, i’ve been feeling tired, unmotivated, still, like a loser. then i corrected my mind not to think these things anymore. i’ve got a different outlook and perspective on life where i am grateful to have been given this life. i could’ve been born anywhere else and could’ve became any one else and i’m so happy to have been me. i’ve faced so many challenges, complications, setbacks, everything horrible imaginable! yet i still came out on top, every time. i come out of the flames like a rising phoenix. i keep swimming even though the current is against myself and is strong. there is no way in hell that i’m ever going to let small things get to me. there’s no way i’m allowing anyone to grab me down to stoop to their level. there’s no way i’m gonna allow myself from previous years be so cooked up and worked up over not looking a certain way when i’m ready to have it my way. to accept that i’m all i’ve got and i’m all what i’ve got to offer for anyone in the future. this is me. i am me. i am brave, strong, confident, committed, determined, warm hearted, positive, sensational, radiant, and filled with so much love. i am happy to have survived this hard part in my life. i’ve also been blessed to not be alone during this time. i’ll remember that for as long as i’ll live. there’s no way i’m forgetting someone like that ever.

that month flew by fast. not many things have changed other than my waist. i’m starting to notice the changes by the little things. fitting into pants i couldn’t fit into before. fitting into jackets i couldn’t button up 3 months ago. i’ve physically changed due to finding leisure in walking every day. making sure i drink tons of water and eating healthy portions. i’m very proud of myself. i attended work every day that i could and only missed 3 days. i revisited my favorite person because i missed them and learned a lot of things about myself. i am still very determined to relocate with my best friend and be within the same city as them too. i can’t wait for new adventures. i’ve learned a LOT this month that i am a BIG work in progress. there are things that i need to work on myself before thinking of giving anything away for anyone. i don’t want to hurt, confuse, add on anymore stress onto anyone i love. i’m very appreciative and very grateful to have spent more quality time. even on mundane days i enjoyed staying in and just being. i loved waking up to seeing palm trees, hearing the beach, hearing the sounds of birds chirping, breathing fresh air, being comfortable under my own skin, and being tucked in at night. waking up next to a very unique and kind soul. this month i’ve learned that i’m very protective yet there are still things i can’t do. the best thing i can do is to listen and to continue to be supportive in any way i can. i’m not perfect. i do have wants and needs but i don’t ever expect anything from anyone. how can anyone handle the pressure of meeting expectations for others? its a lot. i’ve learned that when i do binge eat or allow myself to eat more than usual, it doesn’t equate to myself being ugly. i love me for me and i accept me as i am. i could only be grateful for someone else to love me for me, as i am for who i am too. march gave me flow. and hopefully in april i could finally start seeing progress with my finances since i’m out of my hole. i’m going to work SO hard because i have never felt as if i’ve accomplished something for myself. i am going to accomplish this move and will be happy. i know it in my heart that in 6 months time, i will be in a happier place because i know i’ve worked for it. i’m going to reach new heights i’ve never known i could ever achieve before because now more than ever i just feel motivated to better myself. right now, i’ve seen that there are still things i need to provide for myself such as: a better tone, attitude, outlook, and confidence. confidence that i will always look and feel sexy no matter what i do! confidence that i am magic. i am indeed a positive and warmth to anyone’s life. i’m going to have a beautiful car with a beautiful person in my passenger’s seat. i’m going to be able to buy nice things for someone one day because i can afford to and i want to treat them. i’ll be able to buy food for someone and fill their bellies with good food. i will provide gas and laughs. i’m going to be the best i can be because thats what someone deserves. i don’t need to be with anyone right now to show that i can change and grow. i’ll let myself and my actions show that. work is going to be amazing. my career path is only peering through now to show me my path later. i’m strong. i’m resilient. i matter. i am enough. and it’s only up from here.

it’s april. all i gotta say? turn me the fuck up.

i didn’t work until the 3rd week of feb which is fine because i had spent quality time with someone i deeply care for. for privacy purposes and as much as i would love to share how much happiness and positivity i have in my heart, i’ve decided to write about my personal life in my physical journal. i have two different journals. one for manifestations and another for venting (which i’ve had for about 4 years now). my venting journal is almost all filled up so i’ll have to look for a new one soon! in short i’m very grateful and happy to share this experience with someone so enticing and intriguing. i’m surprised of where i’m at right now but so very proud of myself for allowing myself to surrender to the universe and to allow things to fall into place without forcing anything. that’s how things should be. i don’t believe in forcing things to happen because to be in control could lead to an obsession. i’ve figured out that i don’t want to be in control of my situations. i want to be able to be at a same-level playing field with my friends, family, and duo. it’s not my job to put anyone on a pedestal but rather to be their equal. of course there are those who will need reassurance and i will happily give that to whoever. my emotions are so damn clear from these past 28 days and i’ve learned to be more in control of them. i’ve done a lot more reflection when given time alone and will continue to journal, do shadow work, and manifest throughout next month. i’ve finally met my client and have signed up for a covid vaccine! my client is beautiful and i can’t wait to impact their life and in return have my life get impacted. at the moment i am in a tough financial spot but by april i will start seeing things come into fruition. i’m very proud of myself for starting out my career and consistently attending to their needs.  i am so very proud of my friends for having the strength and courage to take on every day, one day at a time. ultimately i’m proud for finding myself during this time through learning the things i need to tend to (for myself as well as others), having set realistic adult goals, and for being the best version of myself at the current time every day i’m called forth. good job, L! keep up the good work. we both know the future is good. your right eye keeps mf twitching so it must be hella good.