𝐀𝐏𝐎𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐘𝐏𝐒𝐄

Love letter to winter walks

Winter walks deserve a love letter. I am staying at a friends' house in a countryside, and it would be a dishonour to not take a walk around the village and all nearby countryside.

There is something about winter that I love so heavily...it might be the mix of crisp air merged with sun and bright sky, the sunlight falling onto the barks of bare trees on the hills. And as you look down between, the bare trees will reveal views and things you haven't seen the whole year until now. On the very day if the winter solstice. And yes it can be a metaphor there if you wish it to be...

This small digital corner of my inner world

It has been over two years I have written something on this digital corner of my little world, the digital corner that I loved so much. But in the midst of all the discourse about social media, being chronically online, digital detox and staying away from your phone, I logged in and fell in love again with my little digital archive I have been curating for over 5 years. It is like a digital scrapbook, not to mention that I have been keeping physical journal as well that is filled with much more thought than my tumblr blog has ever been. But I love it and I love coming back here. I am true to myself and will admit that I am not good at creative writing or writing in general in that matter. I do it for fun mostly, I like writing and getting my thoughts out but sometimes grabbing physical journal and pen straight away is easier than typing on keyboard (make it make sense).

I also find writing in online space more polished, less raw, the thoughts written in my journal are pure mess and flesh but that's how I love it, that's what makes us human. The entries are also a lot longer... I might see if I can transfer some of it into here. I like the idea of having an organised digital journal, separated by tags but nothing will beat the pure raw form of physical one.

I have been on tumblr since 2013, and since then my presence here took on so many forms. I have lived through it all, it's 'high peak' years. Unfortunately my first blog has been deactivated and can't get into my archive. 7 years of digital curation and images. But I am glad I have set up this one 5 years ago. It's like a treasure, a safe space, a reflection of my personality. I am glad that I can still see activity on Tumblr and people being engaged.

I can't even tell how I have been tired of TikTok and even Instagram recently. I have this temptation to delete it and come back here where it is so much quieter, also now that Substack grew in popularity I feel like we are beginning to centralise blog based social media again. I like it here, I like it here mainly because it feels less intimate, no one knows me here so I can be fully vulnerable without being perceived. I am glad that I stayed active (even with little breaks) on Tumblr for over all the years, even when Instagram and TikTok took all the popularisation. The funny thing is, that I never took posting here seriously either, I was just venting or rambling, putting it out there for no one specifically, even grammatically incorrect or without proper styling, just for regular folk like me, who scroll on tumblr and find something that resonates with them, a little piece of thought from one stranger to another.

Unhinged behaviour ikr

I miss you and I should not. On the one side I would like to try again, but on the other I would rather forget everything and erase all the memories we have together.

Look what you have done to me. I lost myself. Because I let myself be vulnerable for someone who doesn’t even valued it but all he can see was himself. I hate you but I can’t hate you. If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be healing now. I needed to heal for a long time. Then you came, and The Universe decided that you will be my biggest lesson to the date.

You have sent me a message three weeks ago saying “thank you for everything” but cannot even say hi when I occasionally see you in town. This town. Because of you I hate this town now. All the places we were been to, all the music we were listening to together. I wonder if you feel the same, i bet not, your love was a perfect lie.

I will never forget myself how vulnerable I let myself be for you. Then you blamed me for breaking your heart while you broke my heart million times before to the tiniest little pieces that can’t be glued together anymore.

You will never know how I truly felt, that there are scars on my body because my love for you was as sharp as your razor that you kept in your bathroom. And then you just took it and used it against me. As sharp as your words that hurt me. I will never forget.

The worst thing is that the memories we have feel so good, so ethereal. So nostalgic. But it’s all in black and white now. And underwater. Sinking deep, sleeping with the fishes. Our love was undying until it wasn’t and but you pushed it down to the ocean, drowning, but you, you let it sink. I could not save it on my own.

But you have never seen me trying, the only thing you saw was yourself, being blinded by the sun and expected me to live in your shadow. And for a while, I did. But I could not thrive in the shadow, sadly you wanted all the sun for yourself, I was just your foundation, but even the foundation can’t last forever. Someone has to destroy it, and you did. You destroyed your foundation. You destroyed me. I wanted to build but there was nothing to build on anymore. Just ocean waves. You can’t build on ocean waves, they take everything away, as they did.

Now we have to build our own fundation. Alone.

I have kissed you for the last time. For the love, for laughter, I flew up to your arms. It’s just an old movie now. Let me let you go.

Quiet when I'm comin' home and I'm on my own

I could lie, say I like it like that.

I like it like that.

Everytime you get into relationship, fall in love with somebody, there is this feeling…how this one is going to end…and when…and how.

You feel like this isn’t right, that there is something wrong with you because you adore and love the person to the pieces…and you shouldn’t be feeling that way but the knowing that everything, one day, has to come to an end is preying on you every minute you spend thinking about that person…

It comes to the point where you start overthinking whether you and the other person are even meant to be with eachother…

Living in the moment is hard. Because it doesn’t matter how much you are enjoying the moment, you always expect the dreaded end of it and how you will cope with it all when it happens. What will you do when the loneliness and abadonment will start to creep on you again…

And of course you will always have yourself, but there is always space for another one, to share everything with, memories, touch, intimacy, kisses and deep connection…being alone is healing at the same time as depressing…and you just know that even if you are full of self love, you just don’t want to be alone again.

But we are manifesting it so unconsciously, that we are not even aware of it. We are expecting the end to happen because we were taught that good things doesn’t last long.

We live in a world where longevity is a rare thing now, and the feeling of stability and security is never there…at least that is how I feel. Everyone’s experience is different.

You just keep wondering…how and when is this one going to end…and then when the damage is done you are not even that much hurt

For at least once in my life, I want to feel wanted and appreciated. I want to mean something for someone...maybe more than just friends. I deserve to have someone who notices the emptiness in the air when I am not around. I want to be missed...just for the sake that I mean something for someone, and I am making their day better. I want to be the person someone think about the first thing in the morning and the last thing before sleep.

I wish I could give all the love I am giving others, to myself so I will never feel so empty and unwanted again. What has made me to dislike myself this much...

I feel so lonely and empty, I can hardly express any emotion. I don't know who am I anymore and find it hard to connect with myself again. I can't even feel any joy and excitement anymore, I am just numb.

I think about you a lot, even though I shouldn’t.

I even had a dreams about you, wondering what that means.

I miss you a lot, and I know I have to move on.

But I miss the first moments, caressing me and the delicate movements of your hands. I am wondering why we even started talking, what was it all about...I can’t even be true to myself, why would I let someone to show me affection. I fell with the idea, that they will love me, truly, instead of me loving myself first.

And I made them go away now. Because I could not take it anymore. But there is a hole in my heart, and everytime someone leave it grows and take big pieces of me.

I don’t even know myself. Why I made them go away.

What if it were just sweet nothings, could it be a lie after all? Maybe they didn’t care all the time.

I wish It was me.

I want to be able to live in my dreams, where walking through garden full of roses in the clouds seems like daily routine, and pouring tea into small floral cups with my dead relatives isn’t a big deal. Watching warm pink sunsets while lying in the garden and no need to be present at all.

I think I am not where I am supposed to be, yet.