"I feel the worst when I'm alone because that's when the monsters in my head say 'hello' "

i can’t do it anymore. i just want to give up on everything. i have nothing left to give.

Immer mehr merk ich wie die Zeit an mir vorbei zieht und ich nicht vom Fleck komme, wie meine Träume immer mehr zerplatzen.

well if it isn't me

I hate everything I am. I hate everything I am. I hate everything I am. I hate everything I am. I hate everything I am. I hate everything I am. I hate everything I am. I hate everything I am. I hate everything I am. I hate everything I am. I hate everything I am. I hate everything I am. I hate everything I am. I hate everything I am. I hate everything I am. I hate everything I am. I hate everything I am. I hate everything I am. I hate everything I am. I hate everything I am. I hate everything I am. I hate everything I am. I hate everything I am. I hate everything I am.I̷͓͇̔̌̎̾̀̇́̀͘ ̴̡̰̙͔͓͎̖̹̭̾̆h̷̛̘̤̋͋͐̈́́́a̶̢̱̼̰̹͍̻͇̳͖̽̄͗̍t̴̨̪̪̗̉ẽ̷̺́͆ ̶̛̞̩̫̖̗̙̗̬̆̊͆̍̓̃̀͐e̸̫͓͕̜͇̼̜̰̲̾̿̓̅̅̕ͅv̷̼̄̔ę̷͙͕͕͑͂̒͠r̵̞̂̋̿͐̓͒͑̄̑ẏ̸̛̹̰͎͊̉͗̅́̅͐̈́t̴̪̥̝̆̌̑͐́͐͂͝h̴͕̰̳̣̻̭̫̩̟̒į̷̯̼̙͓̬̬̹͖̈́̏̃̏̆̈́́̌n̸̹̣͉̽̌͗̄̽̈́̈́̐͂g̵̨͖̣̥̥̥̭̘͑̔͛̈́̏͝ ̶̧̤̩͙̝̻͍͖̖̃͒͊͗̆̔̆͜͝I̷̢̛͍͖̗̺͇̭̼̓̀͊͗͛̊̿ ̴̟͔͆͌̋̐̃̎̈́͘ǎ̵̟̍̍͘m̴̡̛̞̺̻̰̯̔ͅ.̶̞͈̿̓̽̉͘ ̴̭̈͐̽I̸̢̞̱̮͓̜̫͙̿͘ͅ ̵̡̤̯̰̦̳̠͚̩̉̔̈̎̊̋͂͠h̷̖̫̹̫͊́́̃̚ą̷͚̞͇̻̤͖̩̦͎̑̈́͌̀̉͋̓̏́͝t̴̢̧̰͚̼̰͙͆̌͊̄̈̋̂͘ẽ̶̛͉̯̏͒͌̆̕̕ ̴̥͎̣̗̗͓͗͆̃͛̽͗́̏ẻ̷̫̥̮͎̠̰͓̽̏̀ṿ̵̽̎̂̓̇̎e̸̡̡̧̛͔̘̥̮͙͍̞̋̑̔̂̂̾̈́̏̕r̵̼̮̙̟͍̙͓̹̔̾̆́͜y̵̨̢͖͘ţ̷̮̘͚̻͔̝̳̰̥͂̌h̶̢̜͎͍̎ǐ̵̛̩͙͔͕̖͈̰̣̍̃̚̚n̶̛͓̦͍͉̩̳̦̻͆̃́̃̓́̚g̴͈̪̺̬̰͇̝̉̆̌̐̿̒̀̚ͅ ̴̖͔͔̒͒͗͌̓̈́̕͝ͅḮ̵͇̻͙̌̀̃̐ ̷̛͚͓͒̌̾͝a̸̧͇̘̬̩͂̾m̷̼͖̀̓̿̐͆͋̊̚.̷̡͚̩̘̝͚͚̮̑͛̈̿̋ ̴͙̮̰͇͕̑̏ͅĮ̴̟͔̙̗̱̱͑͑̓̊̔̾̋͝ ̵̨̟̲̤̫̼͍̤͎͆̈́̈͋̓̇̏͠h̵̺͉͔̙͎̖̳̙̑̈́͝á̵̧̱̯̲͈̈̉͐̐͗̀͝ţ̴̺͈̼͎͚̼́̒̓̈́e̷̩͎̯̚ ̸̨̡͇̻̺̰̑̎̕͝e̶̠͈̫̪̭͗̐̀ͅv̴̢̰̣̦̯͙̪̑̃͘ȅ̶̼͚̎͆̈̀̓͋͊͜ŕ̷̞͕̪̹̼͊̚͜͠ỹ̵̰̭̺̖̦͙̟̜̈́͋̀̃͘͠͝ṱ̵̡̢͙̹͈̻̤̥̀̃̈́̈́̽̓̚̕ḣ̵͈̰̈́͒į̶͍̖̲̬̦̠͗̑̃́̌̄͆̅͝͝ͅṇ̴͔͖̰̫͙̞̙̖͗̀̇͝g̴͙̼̤͕̤̘͒͋͊̅͘ ̴̨̲̺̦̠̫͔̞͍͐̽̂͊͂̑͆Ī̸̡̠͓͇͈͚̗ͅͅ ̷̦͕͈̣̠̩̌͗ͅa̸̡̨̻͙͚͇͇̝͚͗̃̐ḿ̸̡͇̲̥̭̤̝̈́.̶͚͔̗̝̯̪͗̀̐̉͝ ̶͍̹̣̠͋Ị̴̥͚͇͌́̀̊ ̷̛̠̞̯͓̺̱̤̽̆̈́̂͋͗͘̚ḩ̵̤͇͖̳̥̆̅̋̄a̵̝̽͛̈́ţ̶͎̠̯̖̥͖̠̼͙́͒̏̿̚͠e̶̜̒̈̋̀ ̸̡̧̫̥̱̖͔͚͊̑̏ę̷͓͙̥̙͇͖̞̆̀̀ͅv̸̡̨̛̗͕͔͒̈̋̏̑͊̀́ͅé̸̛̗̻̟̩̝̠̮͌̑̏̌͂̚̕r̵̞̗̫̖̫͗́̀̅̂̈́ȳ̵̗̗͗̒̓̈͐ẗ̵̢͙͍̜̦́̂͒̚ȟ̵̢̢̰̯̥͈̳̓͜i̴͈̮̇n̷͈̹̬̮̄̋̕͜g̶̨͇̫̯͕̥̤͛̐͆̊̿ͅͅ ̵̧̦̦̠̦̟̭̱͐̆͐̿Ĩ̸̳͇̲̱̏͊̓̚ ̶̨̱͕̰̟͔̂̾͋͂̐̾̒ͅą̴̘̈́m̶̙͚̠̞̱͈̅.̷͔̮̼̟̬̤͋͂̋͑͑͋͒̇̆͊ ̴̨̲̮̣̹̠͚̰̦̎̀̊͐͠͝ ̷̫͕͉͇̮͂͊I̷̡̙̟̼̼͉̗͇̗̝͒́̉ ̷̧̢̛̜̲̹͔̼̠̻͙̇͋́̊̕h̶̡͍̬̘̺͓̃̉̋͒̓á̷͔̺̞̣̺̜ͅt̶̳͈̘̏ͅe̸̢̞͛̃̓̕ ̵̧̝̼͓̥̓͝e̵͚͇̣͔͈̾͋̈́̂̄͐̔̚v̵̫͈̥̲̰̮̯̰͐̕̕͝è̷̼̓̉̂̆̌̓̕ṛ̴͉̳͈͈̂̂̃͜͜͝y̶̯̲̳̙̟̳̩͎̪̲̑̑̄̕̕t̵̨̡̻̺̮̹̫̭͈̥̾͗͆̂̏͑h̵̼͈̜̩̪̹̣͎͕̉̾į̷̳̝̝̮͕̮̀̎̓͑̋̽̑͝ņ̴̨̹͇̠͆͊̍̅̌̽͒̌̈g̶̗̥͉̮̀͂͐̒̆̂̄ ̸̗̻̪̺̈́̎I̵̼̫̞͕͕̱͔͓̬͉̿ ̴̹͗̈́͗͆ȃ̵̞̹̮͂̂̆ͅḿ̷̡̪̲̩̾͐̏̕.̴̢͓̤͚̠̥̪̣̐̀̍͆̋͆̑̉͗̃ ̷̧̩̽̐̋̽̅̃̀Ị̴̺̞͚͚̪̘̣̳͑ ̸̨͓̯̲̤͂̇̃̾̈̇̋̕͠h̴̡̙̬̪̰̱̫͙͍̑̓͑ͅa̶̩̝͔̞̦̤̣͎̯͑̌͗̒͊̍̇t̵͖͕̲̹̿̄̌͋́̿̄̐͐͜e̸͕̱̳̙̓͒̈͛̐͒̓ ̴̧̻̩̥̠̹̳͗̿̊̂̋̀̐̒ͅe̸͍̺̘͉̬̲̰̞̰̝̽͋̈̈́̈́̐̌̕̚͝v̶͎̻͍̏͒é̷̱̥̯̈́̌̓͘r̵͕̭̜̗̅̍̅̀̄͜͜͝y̸̢̮͕͕̜͍͎͍̫͛̈́̈͜͝ẗ̵̝͖͎͎̜̟̜́̆͜͝ḩ̵͚͔̿̓̏̍͝i̸̧̜͚̖͆͛̈́́͛̚n̶͎̟͙̲̗̯̫̱̲̔̊̑́͗̾g̸͉̓͂̐̒ͅͅ ̵̯̠̬̞̤̗̲̠̇̎̇̚Ǐ̵̢͓̻͎͕͕̓̄͒̌ ̶̧̢̲̜͔̝͇̭̇̉̎̊̈́̀̆͆͘͝a̸̹̥̥̞̝̹͐̒̓̊͆͜m̶̢̠̮̙͕͍̳̊̿̈͝ͅ.̷͚̝̻̝͖̬̎̑̕̚͝͝ͅ ̶̌́ͅI̸̢̻̟̲̥̻̠̓̑͑́̄̓͝ ̴̗̣̣̱̻̻̰̠̆̇́́͒̈́̐̚h̵̛̞͋̈́̑̽͋̈́̂͒̕ä̸̧͇̭͕̺́̏̎̾̕̕ẗ̷̡̳͕̠͉̬̖͕̟͚̈́͆e̸̛̛̹͎͖̔́̾̂̀̿̋͂ ̴̡̛͍̬̋̀̐̏̓́͐͛e̴̠̲̺̬̥̫̲͖͋̀͂͌̐̃̈́͊͜ṿ̷̧̼̫̟̈́͑́̔̽ę̵̲͕͇̩̞͐͗̈́̑͒̓̾̅͘r̴͔̖̻̾̄̿̚ÿ̴̫́͂̈ͅt̴̼̘̦͝h̷̦̙͚̜͓͚̱͊͛̇͑͆̐̒͘ͅǐ̴̡̹̆͑̄̌ņ̴͉̳̣̌͐̐̽̓͗͘g̴̛̼̲̰̀̊͑̆̚͘ͅ ̷̧̧̪̟̻͆̀͗̎͗̐̉I̵̠̖̓̄̂ ̶̢̛̳̮̇͗̅͌̾͜a̶̢͈͓̰̒̿̃̈́̀͐̏̓̿͜͝m̴̟̪̘̻̓̈́.̶̛̥͍̘̠̲̹̇͆̏̒̎̒̈̌ ̵̲͔̬̪̝͎̱̳͒̄̆̋̅́̅̔̕͝I̷̮̱͕͂̇̔͊̈͂͒ ̴̥͙̲̩̻̗͙͐̑̊̓̀̆̃̏͛͜ḩ̴̡̱̼̓̆͛̎̔a̴͈͎͍̻̦̜̰̭̥̐̑̒̊̒ͅt̷̖̩͊͐̆̇̅̈e̸̡̟̰̮̔͋̄̈͊̎̃̕͘ ̷̤̻̈́̄̌̐̾̏̀̚̕̕e̷̠̞͉̘͚͐̔̓v̷̨̞̔e̶̳͕͍̐̓͆͑͛͐̚͜r̴͙͚̅̎y̵̧̨̥̪̳̠͑̉̐̑̄͐͋̿̊͜͜t̸̨̧̹́͌̃̑̊͋̿͝ḫ̵̛͍͔̞̣̻̊͒̈́́̿̄̌͝i̷̧̡̢̦̮̟̯͌͋͐̀̌̚͜͝ṋ̷̲͐̐͘g̸̨̡͚̱̻͙͈̽̀̍̏̊̚ ̵̱̭̠̘̘͙̣̼͕̲͗͋̄I̶̧͕̞͔̘̮̦̱̗̟͌̔̀͘ ̶̼͎̕a̶͇̪͉͈̲̻̓̀͗͐̇̎͝m̵̧̧̹̳̖̃.̸̯͔̯͓̮̲̆̃̍͒̈͆̓̉͜ ̵̲͖̝̈͑͋̔͋̍̐͘̕͝I̵̼̮̳̲͎̋̅͂́́̒̌̍̊̀ ̶̲̞͎͙̱̯̥͔̟̠̿̉̏̓͠h̵̢̧̳̮̖̥̩̥̙͈̿̎͆̀́̌͂̍ȧ̸̡͇͙͙͔̟̙̰͒̈́̉̓͘t̶̪̥͎̻̕e̷̗͚̰͎͖͗̆̋͗͊̐̉ͅ ̸̢͙̝͙͔̪͔̩̗̈̈́̐̔̒̂ề̶̢͖̯̣̦̱͚̪̥͍̀̽́v̸̪̌̄̀̒̂́̂̆è̵͔̰͛̀̃͌̀̀̀́ŗ̶̙̱̮̩͇̩͕̭̬͂͌͑̅̍̃̈́̅ý̷̢̡͍̟̝̣̤̰̌̽̓̊͂͘͝͠͝t̴̯͒̂ḫ̶̛̹̣̹͙̼̤͔̽͂̓̇̃͘͠͝͠i̸̡̫̹̝̹̥͖̬͍͂̀ṉ̷̹̞̓̉̎ͅg̷̢̛̭̝͙̰̳͎̲͍̳̽̉̑̂̃̑͆ ̸̡̡̡̧̮̱̯̥̆ͅḮ̷̜͉ ̶̨̥̫͈̟̺̰͚͑a̵̜̟̥͔̥͐͗̉̋̅͆͂̃͊̾͜m̵̛̭̹̱̝̯̮̫͆͆͊̅͋.̷̢̻͈͑͋̃̈́͊̑̎̃͘̚͜ ̷̲͕̲̝͎͒̑̐͌̎͛͊̍̿ ̸̨̛̖͉͙̫̬̓͑̉̇̃̐Ĭ̷̺͍̟͙̜̿̈́͊̐͜͝ͅ ̸̧̢͖̲͎͈̥̄̓̄h̷̥͎͈̉̀͝a̷̡͇͎̽́̑̑͌̔͝t̷̨͓̾̈͊̀͑̿͛̓́ȇ̷̖̈̐͝͝ ̵̙͇̻͎̺̭̉͑̉̽́̋͛̕ȩ̸̬͔̝̱͆̽̇ͅv̶̧͈͈͓̻̟̣͖̬̑́̕̕͜e̶̮̼̻̜̮̫͎̊̑̑̄́͜ͅr̵̝̔̄̓y̴̭̯̅̈́̇͑̄̃͗͜t̷̼̦̫̳̝̫͒̄́͂ͅḩ̴̥͋̃͠î̵̗̘͍̫̜͙̼͇̏̂͋̆̈́͒͘͠n̴̳̫̜̩̠̮͈͝g̷̤͍̮̋͗̏ ̴̛̛̝̯̞̲̳̩͔͍̩̃̉̐͛̋̽̚͜Í̶̝͖̤̳̲͓̄͐̉̏̒̔̏̕͜͝ ̵̳̭͚͎̉̓̽̂̽̏̐̕͝a̸̡̲̪͑̅̊̔̂͂̏̈͠m̷̡̧͖͚̼͎̗̞̅̀̓͜.̷͓͓̞́͐̓͗͆͘͘ ̷̢̛͕̣͉̬̹͍̗̌͌̾̚̚̚I̸̗̩̱͖̩͋̓͝ ̷̫͕̰͇̱̭͚̭̌͛ḧ̸̙̜̥̥̭̖̀̑͐̌̑̇͑ǎ̷̟̥̦̣̈́͋̐͊́̚͝t̵̨̫̮̥̥͑̾͒̊͗̍̋̽͝͠ę̵̟̥͕̤̩̿ ̴̧̨̤̥̤̹̬̰̩̈́̃̾̅̓͊͌͑̀e̴͔͍̖͂v̶̢͍̰̪̥̜̟̜̹͉̑́̈́e̶̦̺͕͎̱̗̜̹͉̒̃ŗ̵͈̞̝͖̄͒̓̽̍͆͠y̶̧̬̙̥̰̼̬̩̌̓̾̄t̷̨̙̲͚̥̱̳̘̓̄̎͒̐͑̉̄̚h̸̢̧͍̦̙̔͑̊͠į̷̱̘̹͍̈́̌̈́ń̵͔̥̾̕g̶͓͓͙͚͔̭̯̰̳͆̆̆̄ ̵̙̰͎̘̑͑̍̈́̒́I̵͓͉̺̦̱͕̻̞̿̋̾̀̇͌ ̷̛̼̺̖̂̆́͊̄̓̍̿̏á̷̢̜̥̳̯̪̦̐̐̓m̸̧̜̠̪͈͚̣̪̮̗͐̏͑̔̋̽̄͒̒̽

how can my feelings go from “i wanna die” to “im actually okay!” all within 10 mins ..

the urge to just not exist

Bei jedem Schritt schmerzt die Wunde am Bein. Doch irgendwie mag ich das und lass es so sein. Denn solange es noch wehtut, muss ich mir nicht wieder wehtun.

Ab welchem Punkt meines Lebens habe ich entschieden, dass schmerzen mir weiterhelfen?

Rückfall über Rückfall..