in case i forget

Today’s chapter is so complicated that I have to do some reading on the basics of Christianity. Ridiculously, I attended catholic schools both in high school and college but it’s only now that I truly try to attempt to understand God and His existence. It’s unfathomable to me the love God has for us. In literal sense. I mean, all my life people would always say “everything you do should please God”, “all that you are is because of God”, “our ultimate purpose in life is for His glory”. I don’t think I would be able to fully comprehend these because I have so many questions in my head and I’m just too focused on living not only for myself but also for those people around me who need me to live their own. How am I supposed to give my all-- my hardwork, my aspirations, my life for someone I have not even seen nor heard? When there are bills to pay, there are parents to look after, there are problems left unsolved... 

When I was younger, after I graduated in college, I loved to read the bible very much. I used to fill my old tumblr account with scripture readings, bible quotations, verses. Back then, I didn’t have to think of anything other than getting job or finding myself and where I fit in. But I had faith. 

Today, I have found a job and I may not have a clear idea of where I should be in the long-term but right now, I belong to something. But I lost that faith. 

I do not mean that I stopped believing in God but I just lost that connection and eagerness to serve Him. Never a day went by that I did not pray though. For my parents, for the people around me, and for myself. But thinking about it, I often call God in my midst when it is only convenient for me. When I am asking for something. I treated God like a genie who would grant my wishes. 

There was not an ounce of truthfulness to put the Lord first in whatever I do. I have not recalled myself saying, “I’m doing this for the glory of God”. Have I ever?

I have been praying about our family problem for the past two years but I felt like the Lord was deaf on me. I said.. I will continue to believe that the Lord has something in store for us. That we will overcome this. But maybe the Lord’s way is different than what I have in mind. That my prayer will be answered not the way I want it to be. 

Last February 16, 2021 I decided to re-read again the book Purpose Driven Life. I’ve had a this book a couple of years ago when we went home in Leyte and I saw the book lying around collecting dust. I took it home without even asking permission. Lol. I’m certain that I read a few chapters in the past but I don’t that I ever got to finish it. After deciding about quitting DBA, I often spend my time in the evening doomscrolling on different social media platforms or watching another episode of kdrama. At first, I loved it. Very much. But times like tonight also comes. I desire to something more meaningful with my time.

I couldn’t decide whether to write my reflection of the first chapter because as you can tell my handwriting is not the best (I wrote this a few days ago but I decided to post it on tumblr too). And also, I’m not very spontaneous. But I’ve figured that if I want to do this, I might as well show my “rawness”. I don’t want to focus so much on my choice of words but instead on my thoughts.

So today’s reflection is about “my life’s purpose”. The first chapter hit home to me. There’s a line there that says “You cannot arrive at your life’s purpose by starting with a focus on yourself.” And it hit me so much because I realized how selfish I have been these past few years. All I could ever see was MYSELF. What’s convenient for me, what makes me happy, what I like, how I felt, my emotions.. 

Looking back, I started to question myself if I have ever done tiny selfless acts of kindness where there wasn’t even a tiny speck of intention for my own benefit? I mustn’t have. Were those actions done unconsciously because I knew there’s a trade off? They were.