Just Let Me Know

It finally feels like I’m home. I wish I could stay longer. I didn’t even realise how badly I needed this week off, but it doesn’t feel like nearly enough time.

I can’t stop shaking. It feels like I can’t breathe. I haven’t been sleeping. I haven’t been eating. I don’t know what’s happening to me.

It seems like I just can’t catch a break.. I’m struggling at work, they say I’m getting too deep into the role so they give me a week off to try and preserve my mental health. Okay, I could use a break. I come to la to see Zendaya and I get the cold shoulder. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I feel I’m losing my mind. Somebody please just help me.

It’s been a tough few days on set. This movie, the subject matter, its dark, and it’s something I’ve never tackled before, and I’ve gotta be honest, it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be. Some days are particularly taxing and I just wish I could come home to Z at the end of it. I understand why she can’t be here.. I just miss her a lot right now.

My family is so important to me. My brothers are my best friends, my parents are so supportive. My parents are my heroes to be honest. It’s because of them that we could start the brothers trust, it’s my mum that keeps it going. She’s the most selfless person I know. My family keep me grounded, they keep me sane. I’d be lost without them

God I’ve missed her. I’ve missed us. I’ve missed all of this. This is exactly what we needed.

I feel like I’m losing her. Maybe this is too much and I’m being overbearing. Do we need some time apart? Maybe I should go back to London for a little while.

It feels like Z and I have hardly seen each other this week, and I’ve gotta admit, it’s been tough. It’s nobody’s fault. We’ve both been busy with work. I’ve just been feeling particularly needy these last few days. She feels guilty and that makes me feel guilty. We’re actually spending time together today and it’s been good. I’ve missed her.

Why can’t I get anything right?

It’s Z’s birthday tomorrow and I feel like such a failure. She deserves the world. Hopefully the main part of her gift won’t be as much of a let down as the rest of it has been

You came back, you stayed. I can breathe again. I thought I had lost you. Please don’t scare me like that again.

How can it be over? Just like that? I don’t even have words right now. You left.. and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to even process this. I can’t even breathe right now.

What the hell is wrong with me?