also u know no guy has my back. or any sympathy. they'll care about a girl being whistled at but any guy to them is just a competitor and they need every advantage they can get. i met one man in my life. no one comes close. it's just these desperate obsessed ... people who have a ... a desperate yearning for sex in the polarised sense but are stuck somewhere in the middle and ... i'll just call them daddy doms from now on. there's no slur that tops that.

he sent an email to my dad telling him his son's a pedophile. like it's not that hard to inflict pain on a person. when this shit came to a head my dad was hysterical talking about how they knock out your teeth in prison so you can give blowjobs easier. like the fear of prison combined with mob justice and maybe it's just scary cos u can imagine this guy is legion. like i used to be that was more detached but still felt good (literally like, moral) to get into that zone of hate and feel yourself charged with righteous anger.

eugh i know it's just some dude. and it's probably just one dude. i remember someone posting on reddit i was a pedophile and it was nou's at that point idk boyfriend or exboyfriend and he was a 'daddy dom' like ... i know these words are just painting the picture of the man in the mirror. second person first person confusion. and then is adrenaline bad for me? or does it matter? am i suffering? pity farming? i guess i am exploiting the feeling by posting while within it. but again: body stuff.

eugh i should be used to this by now. idk why i feel heart / veins / blood like as if one anon is any anything

was just going to edit that post to be more personal. i was in that space somehow. body stuff gets me maybe. heat of summer. passing out lying on grass. running to the lake and jumping in

last time i came to this cafe i was stoned and what did i do, probably squirm about imagining everyone looking at me giving them some performance of my microexpressions. mind probably racing through thoughts i'd already thunk as if they were novel, too fast to write anything down, seprated from the world hallucinating i was being swept up by it like a rip tide

this homeless guy that looks just like me. or rather that's what i thought seeing him just now, he's just like me. he walks around permanently blushing, extremely self conscious, how i must look when i'm stoned out of my mind tripping out in public. maybe he's not on drugs. he just walked up toward the cafe then awkwardly smiled and turned around like he was lighting a cig only now i'm thinking i dont remember him smoking it ... he's almost like any other hipster, except he's permanently sun burned and he wears a puffer and his bag is a bit too large and he walks a bit too slowly.

woke up and recorded that feeling (felt like one of those tall fit asian boys you see nowadays) and then the subsequent feeling of losing my boner and ... couldnt quite capture it. 5am losing sleep over this. like a totally different body. and how to describe that transition? dan graham posting ads in the newspaper about that feeling, which has a word i guess, as being like the worst feeling there is. or most quintessentially male maybe.

i miss the young girl on here that lived on the coast of england, farmer's daughter, lived at home, super depressed, into god, aqua, swimming pools, safeway, would post selfies like she was trying to capture her ugliness.

haha as my boner dies i feel my body deflating. my center of gravity, which had been bound up in my chest, is now lowering and spreading throughout my body

im a couple inches taller than i was a month a go. a couple decades younger.